Secrets

Carmen

Hello everyone,

I found this board and have been reading what a lot of people have to say. I've found it very useful, interesting and informative. I'm 19 and am in a relationship with a JW who is 22. I know that this is a subject that has probably been posted many times but I wanted to see if anybody could offer me any advice.

I'm Catholic myself and studying to be social worker with a major in Theology. Religion has always interested me and I'm always trying to learn about different types. Whilst I have a good relationship with my boyfriend where we communicate very openly I know he is a world class secret keeper. From what these boards have told me this is something that Witnesses engrain in them.

We've been together nearly a year and his parents still have no knowledge of me. In a sense, he's leading a double life. He's in University and is graduating at the end of this year. He has told me that once he can financially support himself he is leaving the organisation. I understand that if he tells them about me now that he will be shunned. This isn't the best thing for him when he has such little time left to finish his degree. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. My family like him as a person but don't want him to see me as the girl on the side, a secret and something to be ashamed of. I understand where they're coming from and it would all be much easier if I didn't care and love for him so much.

The other night in conversation I asked him when he stopped pioneering. He told me at the start of this year. I was very shocked because he had never told me. I felt like I'd been told a lie but he said that the reason he didn't tell me was that I didn't ask. I try not to make his being from a family if JWs a big deal. I'm trying hard to see past the religion and for him as a person because he really is a great guy. I have my own issues (anxiety and past abuse) as well as my own crazy family (and I really do mean crazy) and he actively particpates and loves them.

I'm not good at keeping things inside - when something goes wrong it affects me physically. This is what makes us so different because he keeps it all inside and I never know. He's not lied to me as far as I know - just kept things unless I've asked. When I ask questions I feel like I'm nagging or intruding. I guess I'm just looking for some understanding or advice from people who understand the JW society.

Carmen

Madame Quixote

Carmen - Is your bf a baptized JW? If not, it will be a little easier for you. Is he planning to "fade" away from the JWs and re-locate with you or something like that? You should find out if you're planning on building a life with him. Things will be very, very difficult for him if he is a baptized JW in a relationship with an "unbeliever" (as they say).

Carmen

Yes he is a raised and baptised Witness. He lives nearly an hour outside of the main city I live in and he's spoken about moving here when he graduates. I'm moving out soon and I've said he's more than welcome to move in with me when he's ready. He said he'd seriously consider it.

I don't think it wouldn't be good for him to live in his area with members from his hall around.

zeroday

There have been others like you Carmen who have come to this board with the exact same situation you are in. My advice has always been cut it off NOW run do not walk. If you think it is to painful to bear now you have no idea the HELL you are in for. He has already kept things from you. How do you know if he will leave the WTS. You really don't. Breaking it off now would be like a needle prick to the finger compared to having your arm cut off later. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but believe me, I was a JW for 28 years you have no idea what your up against...

monkeyshine

I try not to make his being from a family if JWs a big deal. I'm trying hard to see past the religion and for him as a person because he really is a great guy

That's cool but u need to understand that it's not his religion it's his entire brain right now so u gotta gradually bring him at least a little bit into the light for him to see how cool you're really trying to be about this.

And, bottom line is he's a grown man and needs to step up and do what he feels rather than leading a life that he's too afraid of confessing to.

asleif_dufansdottir

He wants to leave now when he's young and has you, but if his whole family are JWs and its the only life he knows, chances are, sooner or later he'll want to have a relationship with them. Or, he'll have som crisis in his life and "realize" that they have "the truth" (ie-it's easier to go back to what he knows than deal with the diffculties of the real world).

You do NOT want to be married to him if this happens. Being the "unbelieving wife" of a JW is the worst possible situation of all the JW/non-JW relationship possibilities.

Your instinct is already telling you there's a problem. You should know based on your studies the dangers of high-control militant sects.

dust

Carmen,

Noone should tell you how your boyfriend will react to being shunned. We are all different. My wife (ex-JW) know that she would be shunned, but still she DA'd herself, moved together with me and later married me. She is a marvellous woman, and she knew what would happen when she chose me above them.

I don't quite know why she never decided to return to the organisation, it's probably a combination of things. One of the things was: She learnt to think for herself (I wouldn't let her "agree" with me just to agree -- I insisted that she make up her own opinions, and here I'm talking about everyday situations as well as religion), and one of many nice consequences of this is that she now knows what we all know about the teachings of the WTS. But of course it is never pleasant to discover that a huge part of your life (including huge parts of your identity) has been built on misconceptions and information control.

I have written a few posts on the topic earlier, please see if anything of it can be of use for you.

jgnat

He has told me that once he can financially support himself he is leaving the organisation.

I think a good test of the relationship is to see if he will follow through on this. BEFORE you commit to, say, life together with a family and all that, I'd try and get him to open up more. The first test is if he can walk away from the religion. The second is for him to open up what that life is really like, how he feels. In the meantime, work on having a social network away from family and each other. It will help when he is eventually shunned.

You are right, you don't want to be stuck with someone who is emotionally closed off.

mouthy

Carmen. Someone mentioned to cut it of NOW!!!! I agree .I was one for 25 years. & they are told they do not have to tell the truth to those who dont deserve it. ( AID TO UNDERSTANDING BOOK)
As far as he is concerned ( I would be willing to bet on it) You as a Catholic, is worth leading you into the WT.Yes he may love you, THAT is why he will try to get you in..
I have another one in the group that was in your postion... Today he has two sons, & a wife, that is drenched in the WT organization....She ( his wife) admits she loved him BUT wanted to take him into Paradise with her. So she deceived him...He is a VERY UNHAPPY man now. But wont leave her as he loves his boys..... But as far as they are concerned he is of the devil.... You have been warned...

Sunspot

There have been others like you Carmen who have come to this board with the exact same situation you are in. My advice has always been cut it off NOW run do not walk. If you think it is to painful to bear now you have no idea the HELL you are in for. He has already kept things from you. How do you know if he will leave the WTS. You really don't. Breaking it off now would be like a needle prick to the finger compared to having your arm cut off later. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but believe me, I was a JW for 28 years you have no idea what your up against...

As harsh as this may sound----I agree with this every bit of the way!

As a 30-year JW myself, I know what is being said, is true, although you aren't able to see it right now. If he really wants a solid reationship with you, he will have to straighten out all those "loose ends" first and be free to continue on with HIS life.

I wish you the best,

hugs,

Annie

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