my "father" decided to send me an email!

by theinfamousone 44 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  found-my-way

  ((((((infamousone))))))

  I too, grew up in with a violent father, only I was the daughter..I think it affects sons more deeply when their fathers beat them...I feel your pain, and your anger!!

  Your anger is VALID, your feelings are VALID!!!

  sinis, you said,

  Good or bad, I'm sure your father provided for you while growing up.

  While I'm sure you meant well by what you said, unless you have grown up with an abusive father, the above sentence doesnt mean s%&t. Being a provider does NOT cancel out all the hurt and pain that his father heaped apon him. To read that sentence just made me angry. Being a provider does not excuse beatings, nor does it make the beatings less severe, it means NOTHING. I would rather have a father that was dirt poor and than have a father that beat me.

  The ONLY THING that brought me closure was to have a frank and honest discussion face to face with my father, where I didnt point fingers, I just simply told him how he made me feel when I was a child. I told him that I do not hate the person he is now, BUT, I hated the person he was, and that I wished he was dead. I wished that my mother had called the cops, and I wished that he went to prison so that he could not hurt us any longer. I told him that he was a horrible father, but that there were some good times, but they did not soothe when he went on his angry rampages. I told him that his beatings left me with nightmares into ym adult life, and that I went to therapy for it. I told him everything that was in my heart.

  He cried, and said sorry, and was genuinely sorry. I hugged him, and I forgave him, and my heart no longer carried any anger or hatred for him...I told him that I forgave him and that I loved him, and I felt so much relief to be able to forgive him....

  I hope that you can have a conversation with your father, or at least write it all out on paper and send it to him....he needs to know how his beatings affected you. It is only fair and it is only right. even if he doesnt say sorry, at least you said your peace, and you can let the anger go on your own terms, and take back your power.

  ~f
• 

  sinis

  While I'm sure you meant well by what you said, unless you have grown up with an abusive father, the above sentence doesnt mean s%&t. Being a provider does NOT cancel out all the hurt and pain that his father heaped apon him. To read that sentence just made me angry. Being a provider does not excuse beatings, nor does it make the beatings less severe, it means NOTHING. I would rather have a father that was dirt poor and than have a father that beat me.

  The ONLY THING that brought me closure was to have a frank and honest discussion face to face with my father, where I didnt point fingers, I just simply told him how he made me feel when I was a child. I told him that I do not hate the person he is now, BUT, I hated the person he was, and that I wished he was dead. I wished that my mother had called the cops, and I wished that he went to prison so that he could not hurt us any longer. I told him that he was a horrible father, but that there were some good times, but they did not soothe when he went on his angry rampages. I told him that his beatings left me with nightmares into ym adult life, and that I went to therapy for it. I told him everything that was in my heart.

  He cried, and said sorry, and was genuinely sorry. I hugged him, and I forgave him, and my heart no longer carried any anger or hatred for him...I told him that I forgave him and that I loved him, and I felt so much relief to be able to forgive him....

  I hope that you can have a conversation with your father, or at least write it all out on paper and send it to him....he needs to know how his beatings affected you. It is only fair and it is only right. even if he doesnt say sorry, at least you said your peace, and you can let the anger go on your own terms, and take back your power.

  ~f

  ...and you'd rather be an orphan? No one said it excused beatings, but it does count for something and beats an orphanage, or going to bed hungry, or without clothes or a roof over your head. At what point does a person keep the pain inside them instead of letting go? Life sucks for most people on this planet - try starving to death in a third world country, or being part of the sex trade at 5 years old, or toting an AK and shooting people in some shit hole. Now I'm not making excuses for a bad childhood, but think about how others have lived or live before judging people - things could be better, but they could be a hell of a lot worse.

  It seems he is a grown adult. At what point do you get past the past? When your on your death bed? When his dad is on his? Like I said. memories can fade but are not forgotten. At least try to resolve issues while you or the other party are still breathing and use the life opportunity as a lesson...
• 

  Kudra

  He is feeling guilty and is trying to appease his conscience.
  
  Don't give in to him- I read your original story a while back and was appalled. What a monster.
  
  It seems like he feeling terrible and the only way to keep himself from going crazy with his own feelings (which he deserves) is to have forgiveness for turning your life upside down - this would be like haveing YOU apologize to HIM!
  
  I say don't answer -he doesn't deserve to have his conscience lightened. Keep seeing your mother and sister.
  
  -K
• 

  Mary

  "dear son, i just finished watching the Pursuit of Happyness with will smith. and it made me cry. and i started to think, how could it be that i tried so hard to raise you right, and now you shun me like there was never anything between us. i did so much for you, and now you do not even seem to know that i exist. why is that? and why is it that you decide not to care about your sister and mother anymore? what happened to us, son?

  After reading your story, you've got every right to shun him. What kind of father beats their kids with their fists, belts and baseball bats and then can openly ask why you don't want to see him? It might be therapeutic for you to compose a very detailed response, outlining exactly WHAT he did to you, and the effect it had on you. If he can actually say "I'm really sorry", then that's up to you if you want to forgive him. If he suffers from "selective memory syndrome" and refuses to acknowledge that he did anything wrong, I just wouldn't bother with him.
• 

  reneef

  Writing him an email about your feelings might make you feel better. How is it that these jw parents have selective memory? How is it that they attempt to diminish the pain they caused? Hugs to you.
• 

  BFD

  Inafmous,

  My dad was not a jw but he was very abusive in many ways and I had nothing to do with him for many years, from the time I was about 18 until after I was 40. I surprised even myself when I allowed him back into my life. It helped that when he contacted me his apologies were heart felt while he was begging through his tears. He didn't pretend he was a good father, but he wanted to be. I think in that moment he experienced all the pain he had ever caused me and all his kids. He died in 2001 and I am glad I was able to forgive him. I cry for you as I type this, I can feel your pain.

  The last thing I would have ever believed in my life is that I would hug my dad and tell him I love him and really mean it. I guess what I'm trying to say is there's always hope.

  Be well.

  BFD
• 

  RollerDave

  Hmmm,

  While people CAN change, shouldn't a genuine change also include some admission that the pre-change course was wrong?

  An apology consists of an absolute lack of excuses.

  I think it just comes down to the ability to delude one's self that seems to go hand in hand with advancement within the organization.

  He's offering you the chance to let bygone be bygones and validate the revisionist history he has sold himself by groveling.

  Infamous, I've read through your post and nothing in your body of works suggests that you would stoop so low.

  So, just remember this:

  They can't hurt you unless you let them - Everclear

  Hang Tough,

  Roller (of the gratuitous rock lyric quoting class)
• 

  found-my-way

  ...and you'd rather be an orphan? No one said it excused beatings, but it does count for something and beats an orphanage, or going to bed hungry, or without clothes or a roof over your head. At what point does a person keep the pain inside them instead of letting go? Life sucks for most people on this planet - try starving to death in a third world country, or being part of the sex trade at 5 years old, or toting an AK and shooting people in some shit hole. Now I'm not making excuses for a bad childhood, but think about how others have lived or live before judging people - things could be better, but they could be a hell of a lot worse.

  Sinis, I wasn't judging anyone. Of course there are some bad lives out there, there is always someone who has it worse then we do!

  I was stating that I, personally, think that beatings are worse than going hungry, than not having many clothes, than not having a place to live. Do you know why I can say that? Because as a child I lived that. I will take poverty over beatings ANYDAY.

  I dont know where you thought I was judging anyone, perhaps the father for beating his son brutally? Who wouldn't?

  Does his father deserve forgiveness, sure he does, if he owns up to his mistakes. If he simply ignores all of the abuse and the affect it had on his son, that just says that he isn't ''worthy'' of forgiveness.

  And even if he does own up to his mistakes, it is up to theinfamousone to forgive him, not us. That is not for us to decide. Yes making peace is the ideal solution, and I even stated that if the infamousone could choose to, he could let go of the anger and hurt...but he has to be the one to decide to do that....

  Sinis, I stated in my account that I did forgive my father. That it felt wonderful to do so. Did you not read that?

  Infamousone, I hope that you are able to make peace with your father...and I hope that one day, you can even forgive him, even if he doesnt deserve it, (it never condones what your father did) to let go of the anger one day...as it only hurts you...anger is a useful tool, but only when you don't let it overwhelm you...

  much peace and love to you,

  ~found
• 

  freedomloverr

  it's amazing to me how people can do the things your father has done and then act like they've done nothing wrong. my mother and stepfather are the same way. truly sick people.
  
  do whatever feels right for you. nothing wrong with just letting it be whatever it needs to be.
  
  peace and love to you.
• 

  theinfamousone

  Good or bad, I'm sure your father provided for you while growing up. Sometimes, people don't treat others the way they should, either because they don't know how or they think what they are doing is correct.

  it has been stated before, but i will reiterate that providing for someone does not make up for the shit he put me through! you obviously did not read my story, which is definitely ok, but you later went on and said, would you rather be an orphan? well, i am an orphan! i was adopted by a monster, who one day talks to me like he did in this email, then the next day takes a swing at me for talking to my sister... the man is completely imbalanced and i am wondering if he is delusional, or if he is schizophrenic... either way, he treats everyone else just fine, but always has cutting words and punches to throw... i see no need to put myself into the kind of danger i was once in... and will not until the man is willing to admit he did wrong and not just remember "the good times" of which there were very few...

  at this point, i have forgiven, i have put it behind me, but i have not grown stupid. he was not apologizing, he was taking a shot

  the infamous one