Dad on my case again...Mom to the rescue!!!

by R.F. 10 Replies latest jw experiences

  • R.F.
    R.F.

    As I had mentioned in a thread last week, my dad has been on my case about attending meetings.

    I've been to ONE meeting in about a month and that's not counting the DC.

    Well he decides to question me before he went off to Book Study yesterday evening. He asked if I was going and I told him no. I was energetically drained plus I was feeling a bit nauseated, so if I did WANT to go I wouldn't have anyway. But yea he questions me BEFORE he left for the meeting and after me telling him "NO" he asks..."You aren't losing you're ZEAL are you? You know i'm concerned about you?" I once again told him how was feeling physically and he said.."ok..well I don't have to tell you...you know how important the meetings are. Don't forget about Jehovah." Then he leaves

    So after he gets back home later the first thing he says is..."Sister so-and-so asked about you...AND you're mom too. She said it's not like you to miss so many meetings. So what's been the problem huh?!" His tone that time was intimidating, totally unnecessary, and this was in front of my mom and sister. Then mom spoke up and said.."well I don't think the sister meant for you to question him like that!!" Then my dad backed down and walked out the room.

    First thing is...why in the world was it necessary for him to bring this up so quick after he mentioned it earlier. Just because this sister said something he wants to jump down my throat. The way he came at me the second time wouldn't encourage me a bit to go the the meetings. And like i've said before..he can be a complete jerk sometimes. Even when I was a faithful company man Dub trying to make EVERY meeting it's like he was working AGAINST me..trying to find fault with ANYTHING I did. He is part of the reason I wanted to FADE, but the way he's acting i've almost reached the point of not caring anymore. I might DA myself and just reassure him that I love him and will be here for him and just leave it up to him if he shuns me or not.

    Second...if this sister is so concerned, why not give me a call? She has both of my phone numbers. She is one of those gossipers that gets her kicks out of backbiting anyone she thinks that is "losing Jehovah's spirit". She sees the fault in everyone but never sees her own. I think that's why my mom spoke up because she knows how these "sisters" are and doesn't like the crap. My mom even said many times in the past that that's why she isn't close to the women in the congo(no offense ladies) because of their arrogance. Throughout all that i've been through over the last month, Mom never once grilled me about going to the meetings. She's told me once that I might should go to get out the house and maybe it'll help me feel a bit better but that's it. She doesn't attend much herself, never goes door-to-door, and isn't baptized(yet). She hasn't expressed interest in getting baptized thank goodness...but it still sucks that she's pretty much under the same rules since she's a publisher. But it's really not looking too bad to DA right now.

    I don't even want to tell my dad that I have doubts about the org. He will cave in and tell it to the elders or others if they start questioning HIM. Heck he's such a tattle-tell that he felt obliged to tell the elders that my sister got pregnant without being married and she wasn't even baptized! Not a publisher, not anything!! Just attending meetings from time to time!

    I remember again when I was one of the self-righteous Dubs, when my dad stopped going to meetings how I asked him about it alot. He told me not to worry about him, just worry about myself. I feel like doing the same.

    Venting once again......

    R.F.

  • sass_my_frass
    sass_my_frass

    Our parents know us very well, and know when you're avoiding something. Your mum might be okay with letting you be to work it out on your own, or maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with it. I suggest a polite and respectful approach to it at all times. It can be completely maddening, but don't lose it with your dad - it won't feel good for long.

  • snowbird
    snowbird

    I know where you're coming from. I was one of those smug, self-righteous ones. As soon as I thought someone was slacking off, I made it my business to "encourage" that person.

    It's what we are programmed to do. Please be patient with your dad; he thinks he has your best interest at heart. Yours in this journey of breaking free.

    Snowbird

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    I've experienced that many times. I send my man off to the meeting, all love and smiles, and he comes back angry, accusing. Makes me love the society even more, don't you think? With the society, it's all about appearance. He was embarrassed in front of that "sister", and he took it out on you.

  • penny2
    penny2

    I agree with the others - try to remain polite and respectful. Your dad stopped going to meetings at one stage - he must have his own issues and possibly doubts. He may feel guilty that he hasn't set the best example at all times. Have you thought of having a serious discussion with your dad and asking him why he stopped going to meetings?

  • lavendar
    lavendar

    I agree with jgnat; it sounds like your dad was embarrassed and "losing face" in front of the gossiper & others because you haven't been going to the meetings.

    I wonder why he quit going there for a while? That would be interesting to know.....

    Lavendar

  • BizzyBee
    BizzyBee

    I suggest a man-to-man elbow nudge and the words, "Dad, you don't want to be asking questions that you don't really want to hear the answer to...........eh? A wink is as good as a nod to a blind man.....eh? Wink, wink."

    Seriously, I'm proud of you for just saying 'No.'

  • drew sagan
    drew sagan
    it's all about appearance. He was embarrassed in front of that "sister", and he took it out on you.

    My wife has gone through the same exact thing with her mother.

    JWs always rush to tell you how much people miss you and care about if you are gone from the meetings. It's a shame that none of those people every tell you themselves.

  • bebu
    bebu

    I can't recall how old you are, but if you are old enough to get married, then you are old enough to move out imo. This could really help lessen the contact and stress with dad. You should put some good distance between you, so that you don't have them hovering over you. It is a parent's reflex to hover. You are going to have to spill beans/ come clean/ get discovered if you stay too close much longer because they are deeply concerned.

    Perhaps at that time, you can let them know that you've come to realize that your stress and anxiety has been closely linked to meetings and the need to keep up appearances there. The real questions and needs you have have been being replaced by things that look good to everyone, but are putting distance between you and God. Tell them that you value their prayers, especially to be fearless in pursuing God, which is what you are honestly trying to do. This might give them some comfort to hold on to while they see changes in you.

    Your parents love you very much. Even if they are driving you crazy, or even if they react with a tough JW stance, remember that. Yes, love gets perverted when the JWs get hold of it, but the intention is there. Don't give up on loving them yourself thru the journey ahead. "Love never fails"... I believe this.

    bebu

  • Lady Liberty
    Lady Liberty

    Dear R.F.,

    Hang in there, and of course like anything, be careful not to make a snap decision (about DA yourself) that you may later regret. I know it is hard dealing with that kind of an attitude. But remember, if you do disassociate yourself, you may get alot more of what he is already dishing out. I completely understand though. After we started researching and I knew they were self appointed, I could hardly stand to be at a meeting. I would get so pissed off at what was being said, that I could hardly sit there!! After every meeting my chest would be splotchy and red, like it does when I am mad. Everyone would say, are you ok..of course I would lie and say.."oh yeah..just hot in here!!"

    Sometimes I wish we would have done a slow fade, without the apostate labeling that came from leaving so quickly, and of others learning our questions. Oh well..I guess I just encourage you to be sure and really think things through. Either way my friend, you have our empathy and complete support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sincerely,

    Lady Liberty

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