Hello folks. Mr. Flipper here. My two daughters, both jw's are 20 and 19 and the oldest got married last April, the youngest in May. Because of my not attending meetings and fading, neither one or their husbands would let me walk them down the aisle, which hurt of course, because I always was close to my girls, but myself and Mrs. Flipper showed respect and dignity and attended the weddings and gave gifts, etc. wishing them well. I just want their happiness. I'm a big boy and got over it. But through the years my ex, their mother( from whom I've been divorced 9 years) has tried to influence the girls in manners,respect, and courtesy more than me, simply because I haven't been allowed to be with them as much to help them learn these things. Well, now my 80 year old witness mother is wondering why my youngest daughter has not sent out thank you cards to any of the family, myself included for gifts given. it's been 2 months and I'm thinking of calling her and gently reminding her to do so. I had to call my witness daughter last year to do the same thing. I have a fading 22 year old son who shows more appreciation than either of my active witness daughters do for people's hospitality to them. I try to explain to my mom that my ex has that mentality of who can I use type thinking,lack of courtesy and manners, and I've told my mom I haven't been allowed to be an influence as much as I'd like on their emotional and manners and social skills development as I would have wished. Any suggestions? Should I just go to my daughters and read them the riot act? I know that's not the answer, but it's how I feel sometimes. I welcome your thoughts. How do you create appreciation in young people today? Thanks all, Mr. Flipper
How to teach young adults courtesy, etiquette, and manners? Feedback please
by flipper 12 Replies latest jw friends
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candidlynuts
maybe buy a pack of pretty thank you cards and send those to her as a gift?
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nvrgnbk
How do you create appreciation in young people today?
What a challenge!
It seems that some Witnesses, certainly not all, suffer from the "we're God's chosen people" mentality, thus creating a sense of entitlement.
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Scully
We've noticed the same trend among young adults. A nephew got married over a year ago and we were unable to attend as the wedding was clear across the country. We took the initiative though, and found their gift registries online and sent a generous gift, considering that we rarely see these family members, and they don't generally keep in touch with us. No surprise, there were no thank you cards forthcoming.
Children learn from the examples they see though. I keep a package of nice stationery and thank you cards handy along with postage so that I can send thank you cards and notes as soon as possible after receiving a gift or other kindness from someone. Whenever my kids had birthday parties, we made sure they had thank you cards available to give to their friends who came to the parties.
When Mr Scully and I got married, it was common practice among JWs to not sign cards that accompanied gifts at weddings, bridal showers or baby showers. Everything was signed Agapé, or Warm Christian Love, or some other salutation, but they were all anonymous. It was simply impossible to match up gifts with the people who gave them. What I ended up doing was going through our guest books for the showers and wedding reception and sent handwritten thank you cards to everyone in the guest books, thanking them for being part of our special day, etc.
For the people who did identify themselves on the cards that accompanied gifts, they received thank you cards for those too. They were mostly non-JW relatives, and they had the expectation of receiving a thank you card.
It may be that your daughters need a gentle nudge - it can be a very overwhelming duty to write thank you cards - perhaps they are just procrastinating. You could say "Aunt Nellie was asking if you received the wedding gift she sent, since she hasn't heard from you or received a thank you note. It's appropriate to acknowledge her generosity as soon as possible, dear."
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changeling
First of all, I'm so sorry you were deprived of the joy of walking your girls down the aisle. This was extreem even by JW standards, since you are not DA'd or DF'd. Your gracious attitude should have showed them what a loving parent and classy guy you are.
On the issue of thank you notes: witnesses are notorious for not sending them. I really don't know why this is the case, but I've been aware of this for many years. And yes, I think a gentle reminder to your girls would be in order.
Wish you the best,
changeling
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restrangled
When my boys were very young they both attended private school. They learned yes Mam and yes sir. In every class they were required to stand when the teacher came in.
Now this response was not required at home, but, I taught them young to respect girls, (no, you can never hit a girl, and no, you can never tease a girl!!!!) His father backed it up big time and even instituted stronger rules about women. Bottom line..... These boys are adored by girls, and they both are pretty nonchalant but respectful of women of all ages.
Neither boy has ever used bad language with me, thanked me every time I cook, whether they like it or not, and show the utmost respect.
The secret......early training that women are to be respected no matter what!!!!!!
r.
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BFD
My niece who is being raised a good catholic just sent me a Thank you card that she made herself. She turned 12 on June 13. Her mom my SIL never sent a Thank you for a georgeous gold necklace with all her 6 children's birthstones I gave her for Mother's Day.. Who knows where kids get it from. Maybe a nudge wouldn't hurt.
BFD
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restrangled
I actually didn't finish about manners.
Here is what was taught.....
Use a napkin, say please and thank you, pull chairs out for any woman no matter what her age, open all doors for girls, don't swear in front of women, and by god, don't burp, fart, scratch, or pick your nose in front of any female...EVER! (My instructions)....they have mostly followed the rules, but once the girlfriends have been locked in a few rules have been broken....and only those the girls broke themselves.
Just recently, I heard loud burping in my home after dinner and I proceeded to chastise my son. He said,"MOM it wasn't me it was xxxxxxMy girlfriend!" I just looked at her and said, "You have got to be kidding?" She got the message.
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ex-nj-jw
Mr. Flipper,
Nothing wrong with a little nudging. Parenting is something that is life long, we never stop and there is nothing wrong with letting her know she is lacking in manners.
nj
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kitten whiskers
Just a couple thoughts on the subject: 1. It takes a little while to settle in and get the hang of marriage and all the new responsibilities. I personally feel a thankyou within 6-8 weeks is a great accomplishment after such a momentous life event. The sooner the better, but I believe Miss Manners or Dear Abby gives up to a year.(Way too long imo, I believe you should send them as soon as possible) 2. At such a young age, does she have the money for postage? I would be surprised if she had 20 dollars left at the end of the week. Food and Housing come first. Maybe she is mailing out a few each week? 3. You could send her some blank monogrammed stationary, new bride = new initials! Maybe tell her you thought she might like it to send out her thank-you cards or to announce the couples new address. Hope it helps. She might just not be thinking clearly yet! That new husband is probably occupying most of her thoughts and time! I remember my mil mentioning something to me. I always try to send a prompt thankyou! It had only been 2 weeks, we had gone on a small honeymoon and our basement of our new house had flooded!!!! Don't judge too harshly. Maybe just casual conversation on how things are going, how the new responsibilities and joys of marriage are. Casually mention how you remember how hard it was starting off, getting your household running and wrapping up the end of the wedding responsibilities with writing thank you notes, ordering wedding pictures, getting the dress cleaned/sold, etc.....Good Luck! Kitten Whiskers