by AK - Jeff 58 Replies latest jw experiences
Wow! I could only revisit briefly due to heading to bed for an early alarm.
I am so impressed with what I have read from the newbies [and even from the not-so-newbies]. Please continue. If there are the hundreds of 'lurkers' out there that I suspect there are - let's encourage a few more of you bravehearts to at least check in with a little hello. Nothing like 'breaking the ice' - the first thing one must do to enjoy a refreshing drink.
I shall look forward to checking back in the morrow.
Jeff
Keep them coming newbies! All of you are amazing brave souls to share your stories - I have never wanted to pm so many of you in one thread before! Welcome to you all, we look forward to hearing more from you.
Thank you to those who have shared with us.
We are glad to have you and hope that you feel among friends.
Oh newbies! You have done something special with this thread.
You have given a gift to all of us on this board and anyone who comes here in the future.
This is truly a place of healing.
I'm no newbie now, but when I was this place saved me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate reading your stories.
Welcome newbies! Just knowing that more JWs and ex-JWs are discovering sites like this is encouraging.
You'll be sorry you asked. I can't seem to post anywhere without writing a book :)
Currently I'm 40, married, with a 3 year old son. I was born and raised a JW being the 3rd generation on both sides of my family. My nieces and nephew are the 4th generation. My son is the only grandchild not being raised a JW.
My parents met and married by age 20 but didn't have me until 5 years later, they went on to produce a few more siblings for me and I ended up being the oldest of 5 children. I can't tell you how many times I heard growing up, "you were never supposed to even go to kindergarten." My parents really believed that the end would come before 1975. We meandered along through my childhood going to all the meetings, keeping our entire social life within the congregation and fellow JW family members. It wasn't a bad childhood in terms of missing out on everything, it really didn't bother me, I guess I was programmed to not let it bother me.
I will say that it was mind-numbing though. So much of my life is a big blur. My husband is always asking me "do you remember doing this as a kid?" and the answer is almost always no. It was just a never ending round of meetings and service with the highlights of the assemblies a few times a year. We had some great family friends though that I will never forget.
My dad was an elder quite a bit of my life, my mom the long-suffering wife. My parents are still married 45 years later, very unhappily but still consider themselves JW's even though they are inactive and have no regular meeting attendance. Only 1 out of the 5 kids is an active JW, he and I were the only ones baptized. The other 3 knew it wasn't for them.
To be honest, there was no big bang moment for me when I realized it was all wrong. Nothing like the 607 thing or feeling like I had been lied too. Growing up my dad pretty much scared all the young people to the point that I was left out of all the cool kid groups (a.k.a the ones that were actually having fun) so I remained a very good little JW girl.
I didn't get baptized until my early 20's. Why so late after being raised as a JW? Well, that is a question I ask myself and can't quite pinpoint the answer. I know one of the main reasons I finally went through with it was that I was so upset at the fact that I wasn't finding someone to date and marry. I completely missed the getting married early bandwagon and felt like there was no chance for me. Oh yes...and I wanted to go on an international trip with a JW friend and I knew she wouldn't go if I wasn't a JW in good standing, i.e. baptized. So I did the dunk and got my trip
There were some things that always frustrated me though, the lack of love in the congregation was so obvious to me (and I went to a lot of different ones), I felt so bad for the elderly, the single moms, and the poor families that had to struggle so hard to make all those meetings with no help, the fact that we had no organized charitable services (why couldn't we use *some* of the donation money to ease the life of our fellow brothers and sisters?), why could we accept organ donations but not blood (I knew more than a few that died from refusing blood), field service seemed like the most useless thing possible and it was evidenced to me by the lack of people it brought into the organization.
I saw how unhappy being JW's made my parents. I don't remember an assembly/convention that we went to that my mom wasn't in tears. My dad was "the head of the household!!!!" and ruled it with an iron fist.My mom was the full-on submissive wife (which always ticked me off!) We had the usual spankings and all, but he seemed to take out the brunt of his anger on one of my brothers to the point that CPS was called one time. He controlled all aspects of our socialization and if he said no, we didn't go. My big rebellion in high school was attending a pep rally. Whoa nellie, did I hear about that for a long time. How could I be so worldly?
I know it wasn't this way for a lot of people but being a JW and under the rule of my father (I didn't leave home till he kicked me out for defying his authority when I was 22) made me completely and socially inept. I strugged for years to just have a normal conversation with people I didn't know. To this day I have to have a little rehearsal in my head before I talk to someone new. The thought that I have to fight against constantly is that I'm being judged and anything I say will be talked about and passed along. Congregation gossip much anyone?
I hated the fact that they only option to me after highschool was pioneering or working full-time. I went the full-time route. I wanted to go to college so much, but it wasn't even an option. Funnily enough, last year my sister and I were talking to my dad about the educational system and why we are sending our children to pre-school and buying houses in the "good" school districts. He thought it was ridiculous that we were going to such an extent (hah!) and then he made a comment about "I offered to send you girls to college but you didn't want too"...oh my word, my sister and I both about fell off our chairs we were laughing so hard. He was a tad offended.
See I told you....I can't make a short post!
So anyway, I did the dunk, took my trip, came back and settled in for awhile and the same friend I went on the trip with talked me into moving to the midwest to "work where the need was great" for 6 months and help her pioneer. We made some good friends, had some fun, learned A LOT about small congregation politics, sweated our tails off in 110 degree weather with no A/C in the car or apartment, somehow (it is still a mystery to me!) I became a pioneer the last month I was there. Came home to live with my parents at 26 because I had given up my job and apartment and had nothing else to come home too. Sank into a horrible deep depression that took me almost a year to come out of. I could barely work, thought about ending it all a few times. I went to the meetings at my parent's hall maybe once or twice. Received absolutely no welcome in regards to pioneering or being a part of their congregation (I think that started my funk), never had the elders call to offer support once.
Then came the...duh...duh...duhhhhh....INTERNET!!!
Long story short, I met a guy online (well actually I met a few but this one seemed like he was a winner ). He wasn't a JW, but I convinced him to attend the local KH and start studying (WOW, now that I think about it, that is pretty amazing! I wonder if I have any other superpowers?). We ended up meeting in person 7 months after we met online. He eventually moved across country for me and took up residence in his own apartment (unfortunately, it was managed by some JW friends). After a short time he decided this whole JW thing wasn't for him and I had to decide to either accept him as is or move on. I decided to accept! And I was pretty pissed about being a 27 year old virgin, so I took care of that too! . I still went to meetings and tried to be a good little JW. Eventually someone tattled on me and I had to face the elders. It was just two of them, there was never a JC formed for me, because I sat there and lied my butt off to them. I thought there is NO WAY I'm telling these guys anything, it's none of their business. So I just said yes I understood leaving my boyfriend's apartment at 3am and sneaking back to my apartment with my other JW roommates could be misconstrued as me participating in something "unclean", but brothers, that is definitely not my situation With that I decided to change congregations and eventually moved an hour away from everyone that ever knew me.
I successfully faded without knowing that I was really doing that. I didn't want to make things difficult with my boyfriend/fiancee/husband for something that I was only doing half heartedly so once I moved away I never found a new KH and that was the end of my attending. I've maintained a relationship with my parents and we just don't talk about anything related to me returning to being a JW. They stopped inviting me to memorial several years ago. Although my mom did give my address to someone who lives in my area so I'm now apparently their monthly return visit. I've managed to avoid them all but one time and finally convinced my husband we don't have to open the door when they knock and if he does, he is talking to them, not me!
My heart truly hurts for the situation I see my parents in. My dad has even said that he has been lied to by the society, but I know they both feel trapped and are to scared to even think about leaving. So here they are trying to salvage their last few years in poor health with no retirement (because that wouldn't have been trusting in Jah and oh wasn't "the end" supposed to come by now?), unhappy in their marriage but always still hoping I will return to "the truth." I have a small hope that maybe I can open their eyes a little bit in their remaining years and they can find some relief. Although I don't know if it will be relief or despair at discovering that their entire lives were wasted
I've seen my one JW brother once, by accident, in the last 8 years. He has never met my really cool kid I do have an AWESOME sister that is 10 years younger than me that knew when she was a teenager that the whole JW thing wasn't for her so once I was "out for good" we could relate on an even deeper level talking about what we felt and knew wasn't right with the whole organization. My non-baptized brother married (at 19) a baptized sister (17!) and they went on to have 3 children and eventually divorce. For a long time I maintained a good relationship with my sister-in-law and was really involved in the lives of her and her girls. But I guess something has changed as she hasn't contacted me in almost a year which hurts me a lot. Maybe someone told her about my Halloween and Christmas decorations? Eeks!
Sometime after I was married I went to a used bookstore and came across Crisis of Conscience. I didn't buy it, but thought about it a lot. If I picked up that *apostate* book I knew there was no turning back. Fortunately, I gathered up enough nerve and eventually went in and bought it and the subsequent book. Quite possibly I read through it in 2 days. That was the end for me. I knew I could never go back.
Over the years I have been familiar with sites like Freeminds and Silentlambs, how I missed this one I don't know! Maybe I thought it was pro-JW. Humphf! My husband came by just now and was wondering what I was doing and I explained about this board. He looked at me a little funny but I told him "these are my people! they are the only ones that understand!" We chatted a bit more and I reminded him whatever "issues" I may have (who me??) stem from being a JW for so many years and this is a chance for me to hear stories just like mine and to share my experiences. And to know that there are so many of you out there, brings tears to my eyes. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Well I don't know about you, but this has been very cleansing for me to type all this out! On another board I frequent, when people see posts like this they scream "get a journal!" but I promise I won't be so wordy from here on out.
Namaste
Whats up everyone. Im from Houston, Texas and i have been disfellowship for 7 months now. Im 24 and i have been in the lie for about 4 years. Jah hopeless witnesses always have interested me since my mom had the material laying around her room. I felt like i had the truth and these were the people i should associate with. They had my same thinking on things..which i was excited to hear..i couldnt wait till i set my foot in a Kingdum hell..for the first time. I felt really nervous and i expected the people to act like what i read in the watchtower and awake material. I was greeted with smiles by elders..and a few "male" publishers. It seemed like that they were assigned to approach me. My first book study i ever went to..i dont know if anyone besides myself have experience this but..i couldnt stop smiling and holding in my laugh...the whole thing seemed phoney, forced, programmed, unnatural, and not realistic. I expected more social involvement in the kingdum hell and book study.
The meetings were soooooo boooooring and dry. I felt like i was not gaining anything from these meetings but hello how you doing from people. I did enjoy the luxury of going out to eat after meetings several times with my study partner who was an elder. I have also gone to park ranches several times to. The brothers were playing basketball..and i couldnt believe how good they were..here i am thinking these christian angelic men could not be good at basketball..man was i fooled big time..i almost got into it with one player with his elbowing. I didnt win one game. When we were about to eat..this sister gave this prayer that felt so weird..she never mention jesus in the prayer..it was all about Jehovah with the witnesses..and jesus being a second class person next to almighty jah.
I can admit that i kinda liked the assemblys...only because they had some nice looking sista's! I remember one sista jus putting a hole through my head and we never broke eye contact..she was moving forward..everytime i moved forward..she felt like i was gonna approach her..but i never did..it was so strange..and i cant recall myself doing nothing like that before. It was nice to see all these couples together..and i was hoping one day i,ll find that girl in the "truth" and be at these assemblys together...Never happened! My congregation had no women to select from...even from around the area where i went with my bible conductor to hear his public talks. It was very frustrating...that all these years going by "im unbaptized publisher" at this point..that not ONE female in the truth appear. Im like this must be a joke. i did manage to "hug" some "married" sista's though..but it seem like that what was all there. At my congregation their was one "under age" sista who showed interest..but she was not even close to 18...but i know i wasnt gonna wait till she turned "18". I had needs as a man that needed to be filled. I desired companionship and was not getting it. I went weeks missing meetings..and when i return..it was the same way. I met a sista online from cali who later married that i was talking to. She was very nice and sent me a book bag. I told an elder that i was talking to a sista..and he told me..does she know your not "baptized" im like huh? She suppose to not talk to you...in the back of my head im wondering so that explains why i never had girlfriend in the "lie". The girls will only give you the time of day by doing Jehovah's will..getting baptized..and spreading lies.
Im sure Elders made sure the sista's didnt get to close to me..until i showed FULL devotion to the truth. I deff knew this was happening. I was being judge as possible mate material by the hours i put in Slaughter i mean field service, meeting attendence, and talks. My bible conductor even admitted it. So last year i gave myself to Jah in water baptism..and wanted to do his will...and he would add all other things for me...NOT! I still was getting no action..same married couples and elderly people filled the hall. Here i am 23 and filled with lust, fire, and passion..with no relief in sight. I lost control..and ended up committing the deed that got me disfellowship. I told my conductor who was disfellowship when i was still going..when he got back into the lie as a clean jehovah's Witness. He was like i understand..it aint easy brother...so who u feel comfortable going to confessing your sin? I was like brother..so and so..because he doesnt look serious all the time..and he started laughing. So i talked to the elder and he sets a witch hunt meeting with me. I didnt showed the first time when i said i be there..and he leaves this message..brother we are not playing..this is a serious matter..if u dont show..we will take action against you.
I showed up and spilled all my beans on the table..and they told me to wait outside...the meeting room..i can hear them discussing..but couldnt make out what they were saying. So they welcome me back and made there decision to disfellowship me based on a unrepentant attitude. Been gone ever since..January..and never went back.
Well here is my story. It all started when my wife wanted to go overseas to teach conversational English and to preach about Gods kingdom. Well, that was against the elders wishes for to make this decision on her own. She was a reputable pioneer in excellent status. She wasn’t allowed to make a decision without confiding or asking the society permission to separate herself from me. My wife is a free-spirit type of person and doesn’t like people telling her what to do. She grown, she can do what she wants. I admired her because of that. I didn’t think that her making this decision would jeopardize my relationship with brothers or this organization. I was at first disagreeing with her intent to leave to teach, but eventually gave in. I am currently retired from Army and been overseas many times, thought that she wouldn’t do it. Well to long story short she went to 98.9% Moslem country, Turkey.
Before she left she turn in her resignation of being a pioneer. And her hours drop from 70 to 1 or 2. When I told my friends at work as to where she went they thought that was awesome. My so-called JW friends thought that was terrible and wanted to tell me that I may a terrible mistake. The people in the world were positive about it and the JW’s were negative.
Now, I am alone in KH attending all my meetings. Then I realize who my friends really are. The whole hall stops talking to me and begin shunning me. There’s no scriptable basis for their action. I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this. But it stated making me think, well if something happen to my wife, this is how they will react. If I was to have an accident or unable to get around, who would be their for me. No one from that kingdom hall that was quite apparent. Their was no reason for this type of treatment against me. So of course, I got to thinking that if God was to destroy this world and only the JW will survive. That didn’t make sense. There is a lot good that man has done and it out weights the badness of this world. Why, would God want to destroy us that we have accomplished so much and invented so much? The teaching, the way the organization was going, the promises, the love among the JW people didn’t add up. Bottom line I had doubts. I wanted to stop attending meetings. What kept me going the meeting was of wife who was still overseas. I would digitally record the meetings and email them to her, but deep down I wanted out.
In December, she disclosed to me that she has something to tell me. She revealed to me the Pedophiles cases and that she hasn’t been listening to any of my recorded meetings for the past 6 weeks. I wish she would of told me that 6 weeks ago, because I wanted to leave then. That phone call, that information, those videos of Pedophiles cases, told me to get out of JW organization fast. From that Sunday to this present day, I haven’t step foot in any KH. Two weeks after she told me the information and after she sent the "Crisis of Conscience" book, I got rid of every magazine, book, WT and AK volumes, Bibles and proudly deposit them in the city dump. It felt good dumping that stuff. You all really should try that. I could not reason with myself to return them to an organization that promoted this indisputable sin and cover-up.
Well to be honest with everyone, they did contact me via cell phone. Only one elder was calling me, asking question. I told them that I am dealing with personal problem and they left me alone. But that lie, was eating at me. They finally call me again with a second party, an elder on the line. So I threw them off my saying, I not really sure that I wanted to leave. They wanted me to send letter to discontinue my religion with them. This put me in fader mode for about 6 months. Then, I ran into an elder in Home Depot and told him that I am no longer wanted to be his brother. Guess, I shouldn’t of said that, but it’s true, they never visit me during the past 6 months. Didn’t even visit me prior to the Memorial Day, which I didn’t attend. Well 2 weeks later, they announced me as to being no longer a JW. I didn’t even know that I was up for nomination.
Since then, I have grown a beard, buy my lottery tickets faithfully, attend my co-workers Birthday parties, will accept blood if needed, watch all the R rated movies that I missed for 10 years, curse like a sailor, celebrate holidays, register to be an active voter and drink like a fish. Oh, my wife is on her second tour in Turkey and has been inactive since June 2006.
I have a lot of reading to do - WOW again.
XJWNB is the one I just read. Your heart is with mine, brother.
Is your wife going to return soon? What an interesting way to have figured it out - separated by oceans and continents! Thanx for sharing.
Here's a beer on me.
Jeff
I'm in the same situation as Nameless_one
I'm not a JW, but know a girl that is. It's been really amazing to come here to read all the things you people have experinced as JWs, its really hard to beleive much of what you guys write, for a allways been "worldly" person.
I really don't know what to say, it will probably get long if I first start to type :)
The girl I know, is from another country (in which the JWs are increasing quit much ), well she contacted me in 2003, yes really by internet, and we talked online allmost everyday, I then visited her last year in august, and that's when she told me she was JW, and I didnt really know what to respond with. I didnt know back then all the things about KH meetings, DF, DA.- But when I got back home I had to find out more about it, coz she was on my mind all the time, it wasent untill after I got home I realized, how much I really missed her. (not that we did any "wrong" things acording to JW while I visited, beside spending time together) we barely wasent alone (which I really felt stranges) that we allways had to have someone along with us.
But anyway we stayed in contact, and are still in contact as of today, I also told her that I have read things about JW, and a few time I tryed to get her to say something, when I ask about JW, but it's like knocking on a closed door that never opens, denying I'm not sure why she is ackting this way to me. but my therory is its coz of her family, which are all JWs as far as I know, but deep inside herself she has big doubts about the organization and know it's just a big lie.
A few days ago she told me, that she had told her parents, that she wanted to go stay with me, dont know what they said, beside that she was old enough to make her own decision, but I do think that they will try to pusuade her to stay home.
Well I will let you guys know when she is here with me.
I never thourgh of ever being in this kind of situation
Well that was just a very short version of why I'm here, it didn't get that long
take care you all, and keep posting
