On fading

lola28

So I was thinking about this today and wanted to see what you guys think about fading? For a long time I thought that this was the way to go especially if you wanted to maintain certain relationships be it with family or friends but lately I'm not so sure that fading is the best way to go and here is why.

The stress of having to go to meetings is some times overwhelming
The amount of time you waste going to meetings when you no longer believe is time you will never get back, time that could have been spent doing something that you really do love, life is short why waste it in the hall?
The end results are the same if you are DFed, DAed or Fade. Think about it, at the end of the day if you are not an ACTIVE JW your family and friends will treat you like crap. You are as good as dead. Also I think fading hurts a lot more than just DAing, when you fade you hurt because you have to subject yourself to the visits from the elders you may have to go to a meeting here and there and you will always be walking on egg shells trying not to do something that will bring you to a JC.
Finally, I think many fade so that they don't hurt the ppl they love, so that we don't force them to shun us when we leave however I think that by fading we hurt those we love more. How so? By never making a stand we lead them to believe that we might come back. How unfair is it to do this to them? Why foster the hope that we might come back when we know that's not going to happen? I think that's just a unkind. I think it might be better to just DA and move on instead of spending years in limbo.

Lola

cognizant dissident

Those are all great points Lola. A very accurate assessment. Anybody care to tackles the pros of fading instead of DA'ing? Cog

Cellist

Actually, we had two main reasons for fading and not simply saying, "not interested anymore."

1. employment

2. elderly relative

Cellist

edited to say: Our fade however was very quick. We didn't slowly quit going, we tapered off a bit while we were coming to conclusions and then we simply quit all meetings and service.

lola28

OK, how many of those that are fading do you think stay because of fear that will end up with out a job if they get DFed or if they DA? And is it even legal for someone to get fired b/c they are no longer in?

Lola

Mum

There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Fading is the way for some but not for others.

I don't consider it wrong to let them believe you might come back. So what? My concern would be that they might keep pressuring you to come back. It is kind of you to think of others' expectations, but it is not a good basis for making a decision.

In short, think about yourself and your own needs and priorities. If you need to have contact with your family, fading might work for you (no guarantees in life). If it is just as well that you don't have contact, it's fine to DA.

Do what is right for Lola.

Regards,

SandraC

lola28

Thanks Mum, I was just reading another posters thread and I could feel how much pain she is in due to the fading and I just wanted to scream "Leave just leave!" but I do realize that nothing is ever that easy so it just got me thinking.

Lola

Inquisitor

Speaking from my situation here:

That my family should expect me to come back to the "Truth" or maybe be a more "spiritual" JW, indicates that they are still eager to see how I feel about my "Christian heritage". This gives me a platform, which I otherwise would not have, to disseminate ideas about the validity of JW beliefs and practices. If they already ignore me (and I understand that for some faders that may well be the case), I do not have the opportunity to make my folks think about their religion.

Of course you are spot-on with those observations, lola. Spending those gruelling hours sitting in the KHall twidling my thumbs (I got into enough trouble making unconventional comments) is not fun.

INQ

hilannj

I love point number 4. My sister is df, as am I. but she will go to the memorial with my mom sometimes and is not very clear about if she is not a jw because she lives with her bf who she is not married to, or if it is because she doesn't want to be a jw anymore. I think it is very mean to my mom, because it gets her hopes up and then crushes them. I am very firm with my mom so that she knows that I do not want to be a jw anymore. I would hate to hurt her more than I already have.

changeling

What you are describing with all those meetings and such is not what I call fading. I called fading going to less and less meetings until you don't go anymore. That's what I did. As soon as I was convinced this relegion was baloney I stopped going out in service. Then over the next 7 or 8 months I tappered of meetings, until I was no longer going at all.

I will not DA and hopefully will not get DFd. My family means the world to me.

I know there are some who go to meetings and FS as usual and no longer believe. I don't get that. That's not fading.

keyser soze

For me personally It's better because I have family who take a very hard stance when it comes to DFing. My parents, two sisters and oldest brother would all shun me, though I haven't talked to my brother and sisters since I've stopped attending, so I guess it wouldn't matter in their case. The real problem is that I'm close with my other brother and my nieces and nephew, whom I adore. He isn't a hardcore dub, but his wife is another story. Even though I know he wouldn't shun me, it would cause serious problems in their marriage, especially if he wanted me to come over to their place. I don't want to be the cause of any problems between them, so I went the fading route instead, which apparently she doesn't have a problem with.

On fading

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