Does anyone else feel like this???

by YoungAmerican 12 Replies latest jw experiences

  • YoungAmerican
    YoungAmerican

    Hi everyone,

    I don't post much but sure do love reading everyone else's post. Everyone here for the most part seems so normal (for apostates, haha).

    So, I was born and raised a JW, baptized at 14, disfellowshipped at 17, reinstated at 28. The only reason I think I did that was because after 10 years of no contact with my father, mother and little sister they came to visit me (they lived on the east coast I live on the west coast) and I was so overwhelmed with seeing them and talking to them and hugging them, I wanted so much to please them and have a relationship with them again that I fooled myself into thinking I needed the "organization" and Jehovah's approval to be worthy of their love. Anyway, I tried, tried to stay interested, go to meeting, study, go in service, answer at the book study and WT study, have parts on the service meeting and ministry school, etc... Everything a good JW should do. I mistakenly thought that if I made myself do these things, that sooner or later it would feel "right" and "natural" and I would finally be one of Jehovah's people "on the inside" and not just on the outside. Well it never happened and I became so tired of all the obligations, all the meetings and so tired of the double life. I had a husband and 3 kids, 2 jobs, life was just too busy to be sitting hours each week killing myself trying to stay awake and interested in meetings. So I finally stopped going more or less, faded I guess you'd say and have had no contact as far as meetings or elder visits or anything since my father passed away in 1998, yeah, a long time ago, I know. But I still feel the need to lie to my mother and sister and other family members (who all live out of state) that I am still a JW for fear of losing them again. I go and visit them only every few years if that (can't afford more) but do talk often on the phone with them. They have no idea I have been out for so long. When I visit, I go to meetings with them and assemblies days or whatever and just keep up the cherade. Anyway, sorry I am rambling but sometimes so much just starts coming out when I start on this subject. I feel like such a loser that I can't "fess up", geez, I am a 46 year old woman who is still afraid of disappointing my family. My mom is not well, and I honestly think if she found out the truth it would be real real hard on her and I just can't even think about that, I love my mom! She is a really sweet, sweet lady but believes EVERYTHING the organization says, unquestioned. I keep thinking that maybe after my mom is gone it might be easier, but I don't want to lose my sister either, she is all the family I have left really, that I care about anyway. My grandmother and father are gone and mom and sis are the only true family other than aunts and uncles and cousins and I don't really have any kind of relationship with any of them that I would miss out on all that much anyway. I don't know really what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent, this organization is soooooo wrong in what it does to our frame of mind. Thanks for reading.

  • Gopher
    Gopher

    I'm DF'd and my parents shun me, so I can't feel quite like you do.

    Although I miss what we had, fortunately I don't have to hear from them how wonderful their "truth" is, and don't have to pretend because they know where I stand (although they don't wish to know why, they assume whatever they want).

    Sorry to hear the WTS has twisted another family relationship like this.

    My unasked for advice is be true to yourself.

  • Sassy
    Sassy

    I understand where you are.. probably if I was married, so I could have kept up a facade that I was still a dub, I might have to have kept my mom in my life.. I let a man move in with me 4+ yrs ago so I had to tell her the truth.. had my circumstances been different and I do live miles from my mother, I may very well have not told her...

    we all do what we have to do..

  • YoungAmerican
    YoungAmerican

    I met my husband shortly after I was DF'd. We lived together for 5 years and then we were married. We have now been together for 29 years, married for 24. Funny how our "worldly" marriage has lasted longer than alot of JW's marriages.

  • ex-nj-jw
    ex-nj-jw

    How does your husband feel about this? Does it bother him that you still play the JW game? How do you feel about yourself? We all do what we have to do, and we have to live with the decisions we make.

    I choose to get out and my mother still talked to me and she did her share of interfering with my family. She has destroyed my oldest son and he probably will always be dependant on her, that is as long as she is alive. She still tries to interfere in my life and i'm 42.

    You have to be able to live with yourself and your choices. No one here will judge you, we had enough of that being JW's.

    Welcome to JWD!

    nj

  • Madame Quixote
    Madame Quixote

    It sounds like you have things pretty much under control, YA. I do understand how frustrating it is to have to keep up a facade and a charade. It can be exhausting if you have to do it a lot. Luckily, you don't have to. I tried it as a teen for a very short time, and it just didn't work for me, and I knew it couldn't and wouldn't. But every one is different. We all have different relationships and situations. Family of birth means more to some, while family of choice means more to others. Whatever makes you healthy and keeps your children safe and healthy is what's best.

  • Princess Daisy Boo
    Princess Daisy Boo

    You are not alone!!! Whilst our situations are different, if you read my biography, you will see that I have also lead a double life to a large extent for the last 12 yearsand I hate that I am almost 30 and still afraid of disappointing my mother and losing the fragile relationship I have with her! Although my mom knows I do not attend meetings, I still try so hard to avoid anything that cause conflict or disappointment on her part... but I do not want to spend the rest of my adult life, being controlled by these fears of disappinting my family! My Mom is one of those people who truly is never going to see any wrong with the society and I know that if I officially walk away, she will shun me. My Dad I am not so sure about, he is a bit more down to earth and was DF'd once, when I was a teenager, and I share a very different relationship with him and I don't know if he ever will truly shun me, and my sister, well she is a bethalite and married to a MS and I know that they will definitely shun me. These are hard things to deal with!

    Since reading and posting on this site regularly, I have found a lot of encouragement and support and all I can say is just keep reading and participating in this forum, sooner or later, you will decide what you need to do... I am still figuring it all out!!!

  • iveseenthelight
    iveseenthelight

    Princess I know how you feel, I am almost you age and have lived a double life since i came up from the baptismal pool! Before I used to hide so much from my mother and sister but now I don't I have stopped going meetings and ministry and don't hide the fact that I attend b'day parties or go out clubbing. Its so hard though as you don't want to hurt anyone.

  • changeling
    changeling

    Please don't feel bad. We all yearn for our parents approval. That's normal. What is not normal is a religion that puts restraints on a parents love.

    changeling

  • unique1
    unique1

    You have to do what you feel you have to do. Sometimes that means losing the ones you love. I hope you find your way to a happy resolve.

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