need some help with letter.... this is what i got so far....help

by thebiggestlie 27 Replies latest jw friends

thebiggestlie

Dear Mom and Dad, So you want to here from me and to know how i really feel on certain issues which is understandable. I know how confusing i can be at times ....well most of the time, but i want to first tell you how much i love you. I would lay down my life for you. Your my parents! You raised me and always wanted the best for me. I grew up with you too playing games and reading stories and all of the valuable and essential childhood activities. I still look back on my childhood (even though i am still a child in more ways than just one) with fond memories and a heart full of love and appreciation. I wish i could openly express my feelings on such things and let you know how i really feel without fear of sounding cheesy or whatever although i suppose thats just a character flaw of myself that i must improve on, but I'm taking this moment to express to you my love and admiration and to thank you for being there for me all these years. I have nothing short of unconditional love for the both of you and can only hope to have the same from you. As you know these teenage years have proved to be rough for me. I've always felt like the black sheep in the family as well in the congregation. I've always felt like every last aspect of me has been off of center. I lived most of my life in constant worry, attempting to achieve some kind of normality, to find my groove, my niche as it where in this meddled thing called life. Even among witnesses of my own age I've always felt completely disconnected even from a young age. I suppose this is a fairly normal feeling for a young person as it is often written about both in the pages of the watchtower and many other secular and religious sources. But nonetheless I've tried desperately to find something to cling to feel like i belong. This brings me to the first and probably the major topic i want to talk about. That is the issue of being in “the truth” or being one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Ever since i was a baby i was taught that i didn't have to search for any answers to the entire universe because they were all conveniently laid out in front of me and that i should respect my spiritual heritage. And I must say i do respect my heritage so donut get me wrong but listen to what I'm trying to say. As i was saying, since i was a young child I have been constantly told that Jehovah's Witnesses hold the only truth and that everything else in the world is a product of Satan in a desperate attempt to mislead as many people as he can in these “critical times” and the last days. I was thoroughly indoctrinated. I know you will say that you where only doing your Christian responsibility by “bringing me up in the way of Jehovah.” and i wholeheartedly respect that. I know you believe wholeheartedly in your heart that your doing the best for me. I know how much you love me and i love you just as much. You have no idea how much pain I AM IN writing this to you. Can't you see that? Don't you know how much i love you? And don't you see how much pain this entire situation is causing? But not to get sidetracked off of the topic at hand i wish to elaborate on what i was saying. We as human beings have free will. We have the opportunity to look at the world around us, take in knowledge, analyze this info and then act upon it in whatever way we feel works best. Well, in a perfect scenario anyways this is true but i must say i have NEVER ONCE felt as if i had the freedom to think, choose, or decide on any issue on my life. I was just taught “this is how it is, if you don't believe it then you'll be hurting yourself, your family your friends, and not to mention Jehovah! And you don't want to be one of those that will be destroyed in Armageddon do you?” Do you know how much pressure that is on a young child, especially one that always felt inadequate and different? And to make it even more pressing i was completely separated form the rest of the world. If you put someone in an environment where they have no contact with the outside world and everything outside of the safe, neat little barriers is demonized and evil and soon to be destroyed, what is that person supposed to think? I used to have nightmares of Armageddon as a child. The idea of it being just around the corner and “it could even be tomorrow” always lingered on my mind. I was terrified of the the idea of being turned into birdseed at the day of Jehovah's judgment. The pictures in the magazines of men women and children in pure terror with fire raining from the sky were quite effective in scaring god into me. But then on the other hand theres paradise. I can remember fondly looking into the pages of “My Book of Bible Stories” and wondering what i would name my pet lion and how the giant grapes would taste. And then there the resurrection, being able to see grandma again. These are all strong emotional pulls and they still pluck at my heartstrings. I SO BADLY WISH that they were true but i can convince myself rationally that they are anymore than just a pipe dream, a fairy tale thousands of years in the making. I mentioned before that i always felt like the black sheep, like something was wrong with me. Well if you where to ask me if i believed in God at any age up until about 14 i would have probably said yes because any other option seemed ridiculous and could only originate from the devil, a load of humbug issued out by evil scientist and philosophers who only want depravity and sin to fill the earth. As a witness it really is is an “us vs. the world” mentality where every single religious, scientific. And political organization is seen as being a devious tool of the devil to ensnare the world. This is what i was taught so that is what i believed, but even though i believed i always had the lingering feeling as if something was not quite right. I almost felt like every time i even considered going near the curtain i was told to “pay not attention” to the man hiding behind it. I ALWAYS felt empty even though i was told that “the truth” was the only way to ever feel full. I always felt like there must be something wrong with me or that the Devil was picking on me in particular. I feel almost for a lack of a better term “emotionally blackmailed”. It hurts me so bad to see you cry and hear you say things such as “I'm just worried about you and what your going to do. You know you'll hurt so many people not only your parents?”. I have always felt like i only had one option that you would ever approve of in life and I've always felt like my freewill was severely stunted. I could never think about anything, and in fact thinking was seen as have a spirit of independence and closely linked to the kind of thinking that the devil used on Eve in the garden. Thinking and questioning are completely demonized in the purest sense. Would you even be a JW yourself if it weren't for you thinking at one point in your life “is it really so that the catholic faith is the only true faith in the universe?” You say “Nicholas you know in your heart that its the truth” and within the organization itself the term “the truth” is used so liberally and with such audacity almost as if it is called such often enough it makes it “true-er”. Everyday i feel like a hypocrite. I feel like i am lying to the entire world. This feeling has been building up inside of me for many years. I realize ive made some genuinely stupid and for the most part typically teenage type mistakes in my life and i apologize for lying on many occasions. But do you realise why i have felt the need to lie and hide how i really feel? Do you realise the tremendous amount of pressure weighing down on me and the bench mark that is way to high for me to ever reach. I have been lying to myself for so long and i can hardly imagine being a hypocrite for my entire life. The world is not Black and White despite what some may think. IT is a diverse and interesting place full of subtle shades. It doesnt boil down to a concept of good vs. evil or us vs. them. As i have come to the crossroads of adulthood i am begininning to see just how enriched and complex the world is and that many of the things that i held as “absolutes” as a child were merely just another shade of the infinitely complex spectrum of universal color My baptism, i remember the day quite vividly and i remember feeling very insecure on that day. I wondered to myself if i was really doing the right thing because at this point my lingering doubts were already grown in to creatures of immense size. But for reasons mentioned above, I.E. Wanting to fit in, pressure and love of family, and the fear of being destroyed in the event that this whole idea actually turned out to be true, i decided to go ahead and go for it, not that i had much of a choice seeing that it was drilled into me since a very very young age that baptism was something that should be highly desired and one of the ultimate goals in life. It seemed to me to almost be sacred, like a position that i could almost brag about. DO you remember when matthew got baptised and how jealous i was of him? “But mom! Why cant i get baptised???” I didnt even know what the word fully entailed. Even at fourteen when i got dipped i still didnt fully grasp the immensity of the concept. It has always disturbed me to hear of reports of 7 year olds getting baptised at some assembly. Really, can a child realy make such a decision of such magnitude at that young of an age. According to the bible even JESUS didn't get baptized until he was 30 years of age.
thebiggestlie

argh formatting....hold on...
thebiggestlie

f*** it im in no mood to fix all that...but could someone maybe link me ot some letters to parents to help me sort out my thoughts.. i have to much on my brain to make any sort of logical sense in written from. My attepmts so far have been less than stellar
Chameleon

if you have all that saved somewhere, copy/paste and replace your first post with the formatted text in IE.
SnakesInTheTower

thebiggestlie
I did not correct any spelling or grammatical errors since this is a personal letter not a business letter (except for at the end where you used "i.e." ..latin id est meaning "that is", so I added parenthesis, that drove me nuts). As for the content, you have put it out there but no one will read it because it is a mass of words. I have put in paragraph breaks where I hoped it was appropriate so others here will be more inclined to read it and contribute their opinion...that you are apparently soliciting. This letter is a starting point. Now boil it down to something more readable. If you are typing it, correct the spelling and grammar. If you are handwriting it, then just do your best. Hang in there.
SnakesInTheTower (of the "resisting the urge to edit your letter" Sheep Class)
Dear Mom and Dad,
So you want to here from me and to know how i really feel on certain issues which is understandable. I know how confusing i can be at times ....well most of the time, but i want to first tell you how much i love you. I would lay down my life for you. Your my parents! You raised me and always wanted the best for me. I grew up with you too playing games and reading stories and all of the valuable and essential childhood activities. I still look back on my childhood (even though i am still a child in more ways than just one) with fond memories and a heart full of love and appreciation. I wish i could openly express my feelings on such things and let you know how i really feel without fear of sounding cheesy or whatever although i suppose thats just a character flaw of myself that i must improve on, but I'm taking this moment to express to you my love and admiration and to thank you for being there for me all these years. I have nothing short of unconditional love for the both of you and can only hope to have the same from you.
As you know these teenage years have proved to be rough for me. I've always felt like the black sheep in the family as well in the congregation. I've always felt like every last aspect of me has been off of center. I lived most of my life in constant worry, attempting to achieve some kind of normality, to find my groove, my niche as it where in this meddled thing called life. Even among witnesses of my own age I've always felt completely disconnected even from a young age. I suppose this is a fairly normal feeling for a young person as it is often written about both in the pages of the watchtower and many other secular and religious sources. But nonetheless I've tried desperately to find something to cling to feel like i belong.
This brings me to the first and probably the major topic i want to talk about. That is the issue of being in “the truth” or being one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Ever since i was a baby i was taught that i didn't have to search for any answers to the entire universe because they were all conveniently laid out in front of me and that i should respect my spiritual heritage. And I must say i do respect my heritage so donut get me wrong but listen to what I'm trying to say. As i was saying, since i was a young child I have been constantly told that Jehovah's Witnesses hold the only truth and that everything else in the world is a product of Satan in a desperate attempt to mislead as many people as he can in these “critical times” and the last days. I was thoroughly indoctrinated. I know you will say that you where only doing your Christian responsibility by “bringing me up in the way of Jehovah.” and i wholeheartedly respect that. I know you believe wholeheartedly in your heart that your doing the best for me. I know how much you love me and i love you just as much. You have no idea how much pain I AM IN writing this to you. Can't you see that? Don't you know how much i love you? And don't you see how much pain this entire situation is causing?
But not to get sidetracked off of the topic at hand i wish to elaborate on what i was saying. We as human beings have free will. We have the opportunity to look at the world around us, take in knowledge, analyze this info and then act upon it in whatever way we feel works best. Well, in a perfect scenario anyways this is true but i must say i have NEVER ONCE felt as if i had the freedom to think, choose, or decide on any issue on my life. I was just taught “this is how it is, if you don't believe it then you'll be hurting yourself, your family your friends, and not to mention Jehovah! And you don't want to be one of those that will be destroyed in Armageddon do you?” Do you know how much pressure that is on a young child, especially one that always felt inadequate and different? And to make it even more pressing i was completely separated form the rest of the world. If you put someone in an environment where they have no contact with the outside world and everything outside of the safe, neat little barriers is demonized and evil and soon to be destroyed, what is that person supposed to think? I used to have nightmares of Armageddon as a child. The idea of it being just around the corner and “it could even be tomorrow” always lingered on my mind. I was terrified of the the idea of being turned into birdseed at the day of Jehovah's judgment. The pictures in the magazines of men women and children in pure terror with fire raining from the sky were quite effective in scaring god into me.
But then on the other hand theres paradise. I can remember fondly looking into the pages of “My Book of Bible Stories” and wondering what i would name my pet lion and how the giant grapes would taste. And then there the resurrection, being able to see grandma again. These are all strong emotional pulls and they still pluck at my heartstrings. I SO BADLY WISH that they were true but i can convince myself rationally that they are anymore than just a pipe dream, a fairy tale thousands of years in the making.
I mentioned before that i always felt like the black sheep, like something was wrong with me. Well if you where to ask me if i believed in God at any age up until about 14 i would have probably said yes because any other option seemed ridiculous and could only originate from the devil, a load of humbug issued out by evil scientist and philosophers who only want depravity and sin to fill the earth. As a witness it really is is an “us vs. the world” mentality where every single religious, scientific. And political organization is seen as being a devious tool of the devil to ensnare the world. This is what i was taught so that is what i believed, but even though i believed i always had the lingering feeling as if something was not quite right. I almost felt like every time i even considered going near the curtain i was told to “pay not attention” to the man hiding behind it. I ALWAYS felt empty even though i was told that “the truth” was the only way to ever feel full. I always felt like there must be something wrong with me or that the Devil was picking on me in particular.
I feel almost for a lack of a better term “emotionally blackmailed”. It hurts me so bad to see you cry and hear you say things such as “I'm just worried about you and what your going to do. You know you'll hurt so many people not only your parents?”. I have always felt like i only had one option that you would ever approve of in life and I've always felt like my freewill was severely stunted. I could never think about anything, and in fact thinking was seen as have a spirit of independence and closely linked to the kind of thinking that the devil used on Eve in the garden. Thinking and questioning are completely demonized in the purest sense. Would you even be a JW yourself if it weren't for you thinking at one point in your life “is it really so that the catholic faith is the only true faith in the universe?” You say “Nicholas you know in your heart that its the truth” and within the organization itself the term “the truth” is used so liberally and with such audacity almost as if it is called such often enough it makes it “true-er”.
Everyday i feel like a hypocrite. I feel like i am lying to the entire world. This feeling has been building up inside of me for many years. I realize ive made some genuinely stupid and for the most part typically teenage type mistakes in my life and i apologize for lying on many occasions. But do you realise why i have felt the need to lie and hide how i really feel? Do you realise the tremendous amount of pressure weighing down on me and the bench mark that is way to high for me to ever reach. I have been lying to myself for so long and i can hardly imagine being a hypocrite for my entire life. The world is not Black and White despite what some may think. IT is a diverse and interesting place full of subtle shades. It doesnt boil down to a concept of good vs. evil or us vs. them. As i have come to the crossroads of adulthood i am begininning to see just how enriched and complex the world is and that many of the things that i held as “absolutes” as a child were merely just another shade of the infinitely complex spectrum of universal color.
My baptism, i remember the day quite vividly and i remember feeling very insecure on that day. I wondered to myself if i was really doing the right thing because at this point my lingering doubts were already grown in to creatures of immense size. But for reasons mentioned above, (i.e., wanting to fit in, pressure and love of family, and the fear of being destroyed in the event that this whole idea actually turned out to be true) i decided to go ahead and go for it, not that i had much of a choice seeing that it was drilled into me since a very very young age that baptism was something that should be highly desired and one of the ultimate goals in life. It seemed to me to almost be sacred, like a position that i could almost brag about. DO you remember when matthew got baptised and how jealous i was of him? “But mom! Why cant i get baptised???” I didnt even know what the word fully entailed. Even at fourteen when i got dipped i still didnt fully grasp the immensity of the concept. It has always disturbed me to hear of reports of 7 year olds getting baptised at some assembly. Really, can a child realy make such a decision of such magnitude at that young of an age. According to the bible even JESUS didn't get baptized until he was 30 years of age.
cognizant dissident

Forget about the grammar and punctuation. Anyone here can do that for you. The content is perfect. From the heart, sincere, respectful. Pulls no punches. I have an 18 year old son. I would be touched to the heart by such an open letter from him. If you're parents are not moved to tears then their hearts have been turned to stone by the WTBTS. Either way, you are going to do just fine in life if you can reason and communicate like this when you are only 18. You are light years ahead of many young men your age.
Cog
thebiggestlie

i want to explain the reason for this letter in the first place. Everything is coming to a head. if you read my last thread you know of the "getting caught smoking" issue and tonight at the TMS meeting the sister who "caught me" told me shed give me until sunday to "confess" if i was truly guitly. But she'll be going to the elders if not. And i know i can lie my way out of anything or at least use untruths but seriously dont want to do that. I've lied far to much in my life thus far. My mother asked me pointblank today if i was going to leave the "truth" and i couldnt answer and walked away in a tizzy. SHe was left crying and i hardly could confort her. SHe gave me the old "you'll be hurting everyone" speach which hurt deeply...so thats where i am and i need to communicate despite where this may take me. Im ready to face whatever comes my way.
DeusMauzzim

Corrected your grammar and spelling.
Write a short end paragraph and leave it as it is: perfect, from the heart, like cog said.
And hey, whatever happens, things will get better eventually. One day you will go to the park or some other place to be alone. You will look at the 'wordly' people in the distance and realize you are just one of them, just human. There will be no Jehovah, no armageddon, no guilt-tripping, no emotional blackmail, just life.. And life will be victorious.
Trust me, I've been there.
(((thebiggestlie)))
-Deus Mauzzim
PS: I PM'd you the letter because it wouldn't post here.
Double Edge

Great letter.... here's a few corrections:
So you want to ~~here~~hear from me ..... ~~Your~~ You're my parents! ......I grew up with you too, playing games......
As you know, these teenage years .... has been off of center. ........ to find my groove, my niche, as it ~~where~~ were, in this meddled (muddled?) thing called life.
... And I must say i do respect my heritage so ~~donut~~don't get me wrong but listen to what I'm trying to say. ........I know you believe wholeheartedly in your heart that ~~your~~ you're doing the best for me.
. I SO BADLY WISH that they were true but i can convince myself rationally that they are ~~anymore~~nothing more than just a pipe dream, a fairy tale thousands of years in the making.
“I'm just worried about you and what ~~your~~you're going to do.
... It doesn't boil down to a concept of good vs. evil or us vs. them.
quietlyleaving

thebiggestlie - your letter brought tears to my eyes.
It reminded me of the first time my husband cried when he knew I wanted to leave. But I felt just like you - I was ready to face what was to come. I knew if I stayed 'the truth' would slowly destroy me, my daughter and my hubby too, as it had been doing.
We were having a discussion on sunday evening. I was telling my hubby that I'd had no friends at the hall. He said he didn't have any either. He is very outgoing, he has the respect and love of everyone who meets him and yet still he feels friendless in 'the truth' - an eye opener for me as I am quiet and reserved and always felt that I was friendless because of my personality.
I'd like to show my hubby your letter because of the authentic feelings you express for all of us. Thanks for revealing them.
ql

need some help with letter.... this is what i got so far....help

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