How can I learn to more assertive?

by Apostate Kate2 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  Apostate Kate2

  I think this is left over from dubdays, dunno. When I need to be assertive I fizzle out. My husband was furious when he came home. I hired 2 teenagers who advertised in the paper for yard work. They gave me a price of $180.00. I said ok, there was a lot of work that needed to be done.

  The yard in question is abour 3/4 of an acre. I went out to check and seen they were not getting the rocks. I pointed that out. Asked them to please get the rocks as we agreed. They mucked the corral but could have gotten more than they did, anyways..I basically paid $20 an hour for a crappy job. I knew it. I just couldn't tell them I would refuse to pay until they did the job right.

  Whats wrong with me!
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  bigdreaux

  okay, what you need to do, is just walk up to a total stranger, and punch them in the gut. when they double over scream, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!! it's easier after that.

  actually, believe it or not, i used to be shy and non-confrontational. until i realised that i was the one getting hurt. you need to ask yourself, why do i feel it's okay for people to take advantage of me.

  it'll take some small victories, but, actively try to be assertive. start off with something that's not a big deal, and make sure you get your way. once you see how people react to you, it'll become much easier. good luck.
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  Apostate Kate2

  LOL Ok I'll try the punching thing

  Thanks, I'm going to start with these two boys. I called them and asked them nicely to please come back and finish the job....
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  Bobbi

  Being aware of your behavior is the first step.
  
  Yesterday I got a call from a Sister about a return I need to make(she is a rep for the company in question). In the course of the conversation another sister is brought up who also needs to do a return and I should get in touch with her. I said "no that won't work for me" and left it. The Sister who is also ms super wonderful pioneer, single mom with the world's most irritating child, says "Why Not?" The old me would say, "I Don't want to bother her" the new me said "Because I don't like her".
  
  Super Pioneer then asked "Why" after a long pause.
  
  My answer "Because I can't stand the way she shoves her handicapped son in my face all the time and can't talk about anything else. I have three healthy sons and don't feel the need to discuss hers all the time, so i try to avoid having anything to do with her".
  
  Longer pause
  
  Strangled sound.
  
  Super pioneer then goes back to discussing our business.
  
  I was feeling pretty good about saying what I really felt instead of doing the good Witless thing and bottling up my emotions. Then I realized, If super pioneer had called me back when I first told her about the return, I would have gotten free shipping.
  
  Oh well one battle at a time.
  
  
  Bobbi(hoping no one with a handicapped child takes offense, cause this person is really annoying and is so focused on her kid that everyone else must be too.)
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  bigdreaux

  yes, start off nice, then if they won't do what you ask, increasingly become like the child of satan. so what if they call you names, you'll have your dignity. one thing i never do, is pay in advance for a job. i'll give 1/4 of the cost tops if supplies must be bought. not paying them can be a good barganing tool. just make sure your fair. don't expect something that you shouldn't get. but, never pay for a job, until it's done to the terms of your agreement. be specific in what you want done, and stick to it. trust me, it's hard the first few times, but, it gets to the point where it becomes second nature.
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  patientbrother

  I agree whole heartedly you have to put your foot down, i could give a ton of examples just from our hall alone but one will suffice, a regular pioneer recently moved her and her husband are not in the best of health but they are also not handicapped, alot of our sisters went over to her house to help pack, this sister didn't have any boxes ready, didn't have anything sorted out , alot of the sisters stayed until very late in the evening , mind you they have thier own families to take care of , dinners to make lunches to pack and what not, anyways alot of brothers and sisters ended up having a negative attitude twoard this sister becuase of the way she seemingly took advantage. remember the advice written in the bible about overstaying your welcome and other things like that . If Jehovah wanted us to be walked all over constantly he would've never stood up for the nation of isreal, Jesus said turn the other cheek but he also gave examples of how to be unselfish and how to show true brotherly love to one another, and asking for your moneys worth is not violating his principles.
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  JWdaughter

  I am in the middle of a messy real estate transaction and my realtor was having trouble getting the other realtor to return her calls. (I will spare you the story of getting some straight info from my newbie-thanks for telling me-loan officer.)

  So, tonight I just called her and laid the situation out on the table. I was non-confrontational, but I think she was getting used to putting my agent off, so having a strange number pop up on her phone got her attention (tee hee). For me, making that call was done in sheer frustration, with a thousand out of pocket and several hundred thousand dollars worth of real estate on the line. I guess when it comes to money, I am willing to make a little noise. I was also assertive when I told the agent how I think that her buyer took some advantage, and while we were willing to consider going through with this messy deal, we wanted to meet, lay things out on the table and make sure that in this case OUR asses are covered-so to speak. She understood (we are ready to sign escrow when our buyer had a marital issue which bonked us up-he had not gotten any appraisals or inspections, we HAD, and his backing out wouldn't even cost him his earnest money. We were out our money if the deal doesn't close).

  For me, it really was worth making 'a fuss' about. Many things I let go (like your situation). I think I am too laid back sometimes. This is about my HOME(S), my family, my life.

  I want to be like you and stand up for myself on the less critical issues too-because all of the times we get walked on starts to flatten out the spring in our souls. I'm really proud of you!

  I think that being a witness has a little to do with this for some of us. Think about it-we constantly had to justify those crazy beliefs, go to peoples doors and tell them stuff they didn't want to hear. . .speak in public when it is actually physically painful for some to do so---is it any wonder that we don't look forward to confrontation?

  Of course, I could just be a little bit of a wuss. . .
• 

  Apostate Kate2

  I think that being a witness has a little to do with this for some of us. Think about it-we constantly had to justify those crazy beliefs, go to peoples doors and tell them stuff they didn't want to hear. . .speak in public when it is actually physically painful for some to do so---is it any wonder that we don't look forward to confrontation?

  Thank you everyone you are really helping me deal with this. Other people are going through such terrible sufferings, and here I am unable to do something as simple as this. I hope these boys are smart and come back to finish the job, my husband is taking pictures in the morning and will take them to small claims court if they don't. I feel so stupid to let this happen in the first place.

  He says they took advantage of a disabled women, oh that makes me feel great. I have a medical disability not a vision disability! I seen the job and pretended it was ok. JWdaughter I think growing up as a JW and holding in our true feelings causes problems for me to this day. You would think door to door crap would have made us more assertive not less.

  OK i'm getting tough. ...Bobbi that was brave! lol... You know people can be scarey! I think I just analyzed myself. This is the real root of it all. I have had some very bad and traumatic things happen to me when someone was violent and out of control. Dont wanna make people angry or bad things can happen....hhhmmmm
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  PEC

  Ok, now you can tell me off.

  Philip
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  Apostate Kate2

  Really? OK here goes..YOUR STUPID AVATAR LOOKS LIKE A DAM NASTY OLD ELDER WHO SMELLS LIKE CHEAP WALMART COLOGNE AND HAS THE MENTALITY OF A FERRET AND A BRAIN THE SIZE OF A WALNUT!

  ahhhh that felt good, now I can sleep...