Im down again

freeme

Hello people! i just have to share this to relax myself a little bit. it was very hard yesterday... like not having the strength to go any further. me and my wife talked about the possibility of a new house with more room, since i need more room. and she told me with a smile on her face "yeah, and in the cellar we could have parties with your friends". she expected that i will be smiling too and happy. i normally would be this way. i said nothing but immediately the picture of me completely friendless somewhere in the near future shot into my mind. she got a little upset (because i stayed calm) and asked me why i am so negative. i just told her that i dont know whether i will have friends to invite. that were the second where the yelling started again. i think theres no other topic that turns her into a killermachine so fast. after a lot of fighting and me crying we end up that i asked her why do we always need to yell instead of comfort eachother with love when life is hard... somehow this time i hit a nerve with it and the first time ever she comforted me and i had some relief (so good...). but the day wasnt finished yet... i wasnt at the hall in the evening and of course a witness friend called me asking why i wasnt there and whether we were somewhere else. i answered "no". he asked: "just because you were lazy???!!!!" with disgust in his voice. it reminds me what awaits me when i leave. im not the type of person who can live with all that pressure. the shunning and hate. im a person whos inner urge it is to make friends with everyone. if everyone i love and like walk away from me and see me as a bunch of shit i truly dont know what to do next. but i have another thing in me actually. :-( yesterday late my wife and me drove out of a parking lot. a group of ppl approached the lot and my wife stopped to let them by. a girl in the group told her with a dismissive hand signal that she may drive by. by wife did so, but didnt said "thank you" loudly because of the other traffic she had to watch for. then the girl yelled at her "THANK YOU!!!!" (negative tone). at that second i was so fed up by my fears, my life and that i dont see a solution for all that misery and the pressure im receiving all the time that i was lucky not sitting on the drivers seat. i was like hitting the breaks, stepping out, go to that girl and dont care what happends next. of course it wouldve been complete stupidity... it scares me. im a friendly person normally. but... uh... i dont know. luckily i did nothing but feeling anger in me. im completely at my limits. :( f*ck... it makes me crazy that if i might would do such stuff, because of the pain that my so-called friends and so-called family unleash upon me all my friends and family would see that as proof that im satanic. "freeme never did something like this before. so sad that he left god... so sad in what he has turned into". im still in... but some ppl already sense it big time what im about to do. and im actually giving them the perfect story for it. im stressed, im unhappy, ive fewer selfcontrol... so easy to see that its such a bad idea to leave gods wonderful organization. look at freeme how he ended without god... *sighs* its incredibly f*cked up... i think the last time i cried so much in my life as i do now i had diapers on. :P makes me feel weak too... i never was so weak before in my life. freeme

ness

sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch. heres a hug (((hug)))

Junction-Guy

Im sorry you are going through alot right now. I have been there before myself. Why not try to find some friends from the board? Perhaps if you would advertise for some friends in your area.

penny2

(((freeme))) sorry that you are feeling down.

Spend a little time with us and maybe you will start to feel better. We can relate to you in many ways, such as the fear of losing our friends.

I think the situation with your wife yelling and shouting must really be starting to wear you down. It's not the way you would expect to live in a marriage. You are also very young to have to deal with this.

I hope you can find some calmness, freeme.

penny2

eclipse

((((freeme))))

Here is a JWD hug..I know it does not take the pain away....

It will take time to adjust to the changes...just know that you are doing the right thing..

Continue to shower your wife with love, even if she is cold or angrry towards you out of fear.

That is where all of this turmoil stems from is fear.

Let it all go, let the fear of what they think of you go, I know it is difficult, but just try...

joannadandy

I know right now it's hard to see the end result. The stress, depression, and feelings of loss you have bottled up right now I can completely relate to. Right before I was working on my exit I was a mess - and that's putting it simply.

The good news, I think, is that you said your natural inclination is to be friends with everyone. That bubbly nature in you, once free from the stress you are under right now, will return - and you will have no problems making friends. I do understand the sentiment tho. I was also convinced I'd have no social network once I left the JW's and would end up a crazy cat lady.

Deep breaths my friend. Hang in there.

I am worried tho about you being worried that they will think you are failure when you leave. Undoubtedly, there will always be some who will shake their heads and say, "Oh such a shame" - but if you leave there is nothing saying you will be a failure as a person. You will just need to replace your old measuring stick of success with something new. A failure according to who's standards?

Anyway - I just want to say - one day at a time. And I hope you don't let what other people may or may not think about you continue to stress you out. It's the one variable you cannot control, and no matter what you choose to do you will never make everyone in your life happy with the choices you make. Right now, I hope you can focus on you. Making you strong so you will be able to get through it all ok.

One little anecdote for you from my experiences with leaving. When I finally sat down with the Elders, (I had told my parents I was done being a witness, and a few months later they ambushed me with two elders to just talk to me) they were convinced I must have done something wrong. It was either sex, or drugs, or drinking. I couldn't simply want to leave because I wanted to leave. I must want to go do something bad! When I finally convinced them that no, I really just wanted to leave and I couldn't make the truth my own anymore - their final diagnosis was that I was depressed.

That was probably true. I was depressed. But six years later the depressed basket-case they once new is pretty much gone. Sure I still get down some days, but for the most part - I am really happy.

My parents see it in me. I am a happy fun person to be with now. And any witnesses who happen across my path also can tell I'm pretty darn happy. For me, that's all the satisfaction I need. I made it. I'm not a mess. Sure by their standards, I'm a "failure" - but I don't use their standards as a rhubric for my life anymore. By my new friends standards - I'm a happy healthy person who's fun to be with.

My whole point is - hang in there. It's overwealming now, but just keep breathing, work on what you can control - and let all those "what if's" work themselves out as they come. Stressing about them now is only going to fuel your anger and frustration.

*hugs*

freeme

I was also convinced I'd have no social network once I left the JW's and would end up a crazy cat lady

that one made me laugh :) and yes, i fear that too somehow :) (except being a lady lol... maybe a crazy dog guy rofl)

thanks all for your comments. its really appreciated.

poppers

"I'm a person whos inner urge it is to make friends with everyone. if everyone i love and like walk away from me and see me as a bunch of shit i truly dont know what to do next."

What to do next? Let that inner urge to make friends flower outside the borganization. You'll find lots of friends there, friends who will accept you for what you are and not what you believe.

mentalclearness

The other day I was looking in the internet and I found this site that get ex JW's together. They plan activities in your area. There's a whole bunch of people registered. I'll try to find the web page and post it. But you really should check it out. And they have things in all cities and areas in the US...

Mum

There always will be ups and downs. As time goes on there will be more ups. You are at a very bad part of the transition right now, the worst. It would be good to talk to a therapist about your concerns.

Have you made friends on the outside? What are your hobbies and interests? Taking a class in one of these would bring you into contact with people with similar interests that could lead to new friendships. You will need a support system in place once you do make your exit. People are good and want to help.

Hoping you're having a better day,

SandraC

Im down again

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