I Tried To Be a Righteous Dub, but What Do I Do Now?

R.F.

The topic question has to do with the fact that I tried to be the best JW I could be, which resulted to me distancing myself from certain relatives because they weren't JWs themselves.

These relatives I speak of are my cousins. Most of them are my age, and they are actually a pretty good bunch with their heads on straight, not being the scary, creepy, evil people that the WTS makes nonDubs out to be. As we all know however, if they aren't "in the Truth", they aren't worthy of your company.

The thing now is, I obviously don't believe a thing the WTS says anymore and I want to get closer to my relatives. By the way, they live in a city about 2 hours from me, so it would've always been easy to spend time with them. I want your advice as to how I can go about building a relationship with them again. We all were close when we were alot younger, but as i've stated, I found myself having less and less time for them as I begun to increase my Borg activities, and that's along with the fact that the were "worldly".

My cousins are all so close to each other, but i'm one of the only ones that isn't close to them at all. Should I apologize to them? Should I just try to take it little by little and form that bond with them again? Would they even see any reason as to why I would apologize?

I'll also mention that one of my aunts once studied with JWs perhaps some 20 years ago, but stopped suddenly, and I have the slightest clue why. According to my parents, she was making great progress as a potential Dub and made all the meetings and assemblies. Now she's working for "Babylon the Great". Maybe she understands though. I'm thinking of asking her why she stopped but at the same time I don't want to raise suspicion by her mentioning inadvertently anything that we talk about on the matter to my parents.

Sometimes I want to stomp my foot for being a "righteous Dub".

R.F.

freyd

IMHO, it's near impossible unless you fess up to the fact that you followed a decoy.

OnTheWayOut

I decided to make a confidante of a couple of relatives that were never dubs. I told them
exactly why I had to fade instead of walk away. They don't fully understand, but they
know enough to uphold my confidence. After I did that, I was able to spend some time
with them (even did a Father's Day thing) and they are careful not to blow my cover.

Your question inspired me. I have some cousins that I am distant with mentally, but they
are great people who have tried to be close to me. I think I will try to resurrect their
family friendship. Perhaps, I will have to take them into confidence, and perhaps I can
just be a good friend. I will have to think about it, as I feel that each person is different on
whether they can remain quiet or not.

In general, most people seem to understand that it is important to say nothing of the
cult in the presence of the cult member. You can also find WT articles that support your
decision to stay in contact with family. While I am able to openly go to family events, you
might have to disguise the fact that they are tied to "Christendom" or something too
"worldly" for your JW family. I really don't care what JW's think about it, as long as I don't
get DF'ed over it.

I realize this might not be the information you are looking for, but I hope it helps.

undercover

Should I apologize to them? Should I just try to take it little by little and form that bond with them again? Would they even see any reason as to why I would apologize?

I like the "take it little by little" strategy myself. I've used it with non-JWs I knew at work.

Back when I was an active JW, I pretty much avoided any and all social contact with co-workers. After I became inactive and realized that "worldly" people weren't so bad, I started to associate with them, especially at work. I started slowly by accepting lunch requests or inviting a couple of people to lunch. Then I'd go for a drink after work now and then. I started going to sales dinners and other work functions that meant hobnobbing with others in the industry on a social level.

It was uncomfortable at first. Some people couldn't figure me out. After a while though, I became "one of the guys" and was a regular at the after work watering hole.

The satisfaction I got was that one day a coworker told me that he had noticed that I had "loosened up" quite a bit and seemed more relaxed then I had been previously. I took that at as a sign of progress.

R.F.

OTWO - thanks. I'm not so concerned with what my JW family think. They aren't so opposed to me spending alot of time with extended family. If I was to befriend someone other than family then I think they would get suspicious.

It's mostly me and my doing. I tried to do everything by the JW book. It was even to the point that I was considered the only "very spiritual" JW in my family.

I'm just hoping that my cousins can overlook the fact that I was so distant for all this time.

freyd - what do you mean exactly?

Gopher

I recently went to a family reunion, all non-dubs there. Some knew I had been a dub, and one asked if I still was. I said no, she got this relieved look and then said, "okay then I'll say what I really think about those JW's".

I'd vote for the "baby steps" approach. Unless they have major personal issues, they will appreciate your company even if it's for the first time.

No need to apologize except for the rare case where seems like they were really hurt by your absence. But I doubt you did anything intentionally to hurt any of them, you were just following some stupid rules a religion made up.

lfcviking

I had the exact same problem as you mate. I distanced myself from my relatives and avoided association with them as much as possible because of the Borgs teachings of non JW's. The thing i did years later when i left the Borg was i felt it would be a good idea to get it in the open and admit i made a mistake and was led astray. Being led astray happens in life, it happens to a lot of us and any reasonable person will understand this, as long as you are sincere with your words when explaining this you hopefully should win your relatives back and you can then continue to enjoy your natural family relationships again.

Good luck pal

snowbird

It's mostly me and my doing. I tried to do everything by the JW book. It was even to the point that I was considered the only "very spiritual" JW in my family.
I'm just hoping that my cousins can overlook the fact that I was so distant for all this time.

I was the first in my family to become a JW, and it was due to my influence that a few other members became involved. After I decided to leave, I made it my business to tell the non-involved members why. They were all so happy to hear that I was leaving. Although I had distanced myself from them, they welcomed me back with open arms.

I predict your cousins will do the same with you. It may take a little time and a lot of forethought, but I'll bet you they will keep guard your secrets and embrace you when it's all over. I will pray for you.

Snowbird

R.F.

undercover and Gopher, I think you might be right witht he baby steps approach.

I think the first positive steps were taken in this was maybe a month ago when I went over and visited. One of my cousins and I talked for about 20 minutes straight while we were over our grandmother's house. That doesn't sound like much but she and I hadn't just sat down and had a good talk in years.

lfcvicking and snowbird, thank you as well.

I really love the personality about them. I don't think they'll cast me off. I guess there is just alot of guilt and shame behind the way I had been towards them which in turn causes alot of hesitation on my part.

This post-JW stuff can be alot of hard work.

Apostate Kate2

RF have you thought about asking some cousins out to dinner or to some kind of regional county fair or concert or something like that? At first they may wonder why you are doing it but with time you can begin to explain what life is like being a JW, and how your feelings about it is changing.

You can slowly explian to them how JWs are supposed to stay away from worldy people/family and you were sincerely thinking you were doing right by not being more involved with thier lives. Then you can tell them that you have missed being family to them and no longer believe this to be right.

Mending families takes love and patience. Don't be afraid of rejection just go for it. Be honest about your feelings.

Love~Kate

I Tried To Be a Righteous Dub, but What Do I Do Now?

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