First off let me apologize for the long post, but I really needed to talk about this.
I’ve been coming to this site for over a year now. Though I don’t post much, I really enjoy the banter here and also enjoy reading about the events in your lives. One thing that caught my attention almost immediately was how some of you had doubts and eventually came to realize that some things were not right with the “Organization”. With the help of books such as “Crisis of the Conscience” (I’ve yet to buy my copy, but I will) you saw the WTBTS for what it is…a sham.
I wish I could say the same about me. I believed every word I was taught since I was a child. I never doubted anything for a second. I had a lot of friends, I was given privileges, and I felt good knowing that I was doing God’s will. I was going to save the world one person at a time (through preaching) and live forever here on earth. I was happy. I did however have one major personal flaw. I liked sex. I’m not saying this trying to be salacious, crass or dirty. I just have a strong sex drive. My teen years were difficult for me as I began to lead a double life. I was a good boy at the hall and since no Witness kids went to my school I dated the girls at my school and fooled around quite a bit. I thought I was surely going to die at Armageddon. Since I could not be a good Witness, I refused to get baptized. Of course everyone wondered why and I would just say I wasn’t ready. I was 17 years old and not baptized, not a good thing in the hall, as we all know. Just before graduating High School I decided I was going to get my act together and qualify for baptism at the next District Convention. I prayed like you wouldn’t believe. I prayed for forgives, I prayed for strength, I just prayed for Jehovah’s help. I don’t know what it was but something worked and at 18 years old I got baptized. I was good for the next five years. I became a regular pioneer, I was appointed a Ministerial Servant and I was given a lot of privileges. The only problem was that my sex drive did not diminish. I fought it tooth and nail and I figured the only way to remedy this situation was to get married. But I was only 23; I had a lousy job and no education (but I was a pioneer!). How was I going to support a wife? I knew that getting married was only going to create more problems and getting married just so I could have sex? Not a good reason. It would not have been fair to her or me. So I did something stupid. I began to lead a double life again. I dated worldly women and was the exemplary brother in the hall. Don’t get me wrong, I did not slut around. I was never a “mimbo” or anything. I had meaningful relationships with the girls I was going out with (3 total – dating at different times of course, not all 3 at once) but I also had the added benefit of a sexual relationship. These girls were not looking to get married either, at least not at that time, we were all too young and all three of them were attending college and pursuing their respective careers. I did this for 3 or 4 years and never got caught, but I was sure Jehovah was going to kill me at Armageddon. The guilt was unbearable, I felt like a hypocrite (which I guess I was being) and I decided to leave the organization. I faded, and to my surprise no one really made a big fuss about it. I received one last call from an elder asking for my time sheet and I never heard from anyone from the hall again. By the way, all my family is still in and they know that something triggered my departure, but they don’t ask and I don’t tell.
I was now out and I felt like a total failure. I had given up everlasting life for sex. Pathetic. I still believed everything the Watchtower said; I still believed they were God’s organization here on earth. Come Armageddon, I was as good as dead. Flash-forward a few years later and lo-and-behold I come across this site. I’ve learned quite a few things about the Organization that if I were still in I would never have known. The Org is riddled with flaws (to put if mildly) just as I have my “flaw” of a healthy libido. I still believe in God (not the Watchtower), I still refer to him as Jehovah. I try to lead a good life and be a good person. I just hope he understands the way I was “created.” I don’t slut myself around. I don’t have kids all over the place; matter of fact I don’t have any children. I still hope to find that one woman that I can love and share my life with. Actually, believe it or not, I’m a one-woman kind of man and a bit of a romantic. But why should I feel guilty if I physically love someone before marriage?
However, there are times when I think that finding out the true nature of the Watchtower Society is just an excuse to make me feel better and to give me an excuse to continue doing things my way. Did I really just luck out finding the truth about the “Truth?” I know, it’s a bit confusing but that’s how I feel, I don’t know how else to word it. Did we all just get lucky so we could do what we always wanted to, but could not do while in the Org? Celebrate holidays, drink, smoke, curse, have sex, etc.? I know this is not the case with everyone and I don’t mean to insult anyone, again, it’s just how I feel sometimes. I’ll never go back to the Org. but sometimes (such as today) I do think about this. Sorry for the long post. I just had to get this off my chest.
Did I just get lucky?
by noontide 20 Replies latest jw friends
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noontide
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choosing life
A lot of guilt in your post.
No, I don't think that most people leave the jws because they want to "sin.' Some maybe, but most here have much deeper and thoughtful reasons for their actions. After all, many have given up loved ones and it totally shook their world to the foundations.
The jws are a cult that controls others lives and not for the better. Do get that copy of C of C and some info on the way cults work. And give up the guilt, it is their way to control you. You don't have to answer to anyone except the God you worship and yourself.
Best wishes to you on your journey.
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Sarah Smiles
Welcome! I was raised as a JDUB believe that it was God's organization and even when I was dfd it was the truth. Now that I am reinstated which by the way was very hard to go through, I know it was nothing but one big sham! (big empty space in my heart) To think that we thought we were Gods choosen earthly organization!
Pray to God and once you pray your sins are forgiven. Do not put yourself through the guilt of growing pains!
Every time I read someones growing pains, I think about a story in the Old Testiment where these guys were going by the road side and they pick up a hooker! Or at least they thought she was a hooker!
You should be happy that you do not have to deal with the religion anymore! Trust me it will get better unless you get rapped up in the WTBTS guilt!
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saywhat29
You know what this has been an issue for me at times as well. At times I feel guilty because subconsciously I wondered if I was just trying to figure out what was wrong with this organization just so I could do "wrong" a.k.a be gay. Like, it was my intentions of finding out the truth about the" Troof" that made me feel guilty and WANT to believe it again so I could be a 'good person', that I didn't want to be an evil bitter apostate. That I wasn't trying to hurt God or those I loved, I was just trying to figure out why some things didn't feel right, why I couldn't always agree with everything that was said at the meetings or even in the Bible.
Personally I always questioned what was sinful and I've always kept my questions to myself. When i was younger and things didn't feel right I would question... and then brush it off because it was God's organization and I was not Jehovah, and the Organization knew a lot more than I did about things. So I accepted that I was wrong and bad and sinful.
But you know, how you come across said knowledge does not matter- I think its what you do with said knowledge. There ARE people that wanted to "sin" or whatever and I guess you would be included in that. Hell, so would I. Maybe because they feel that what they were doing wasn't really "sinful" or harmful. Maybe they felt that "sin" wasn't real. You, as a young guy dated a lot and had sex and that is 'sinful' outside of marriage. You came across information that proved that everything about the Witnesses aint honky-dory as they make you believe. You have guilt because you now know this inforation that you aren't suppose to know and you are a "fornicator" as well. I can FEEL your guilt and I'm a damn virgin.
What I will say is that you should not feel guilty for coming across the truth- if you feel the need to change to make your life fit better with 'God/Jehovahs' commandments/the bible then that is your choice. You can STILL do that outside of the JWs because JWs do no not have the market cornered on christianity as you were taught to believe. And there are churches- many of them that have members who are Christian, who aren't so strict and have an understanding for people with healthy sex drives. But again that is up to you. But you should not feel ashamed for coming across the information you have because in the end, who isn't a "sinner" in the bible definition or the word? And sometimes I think to our conditionig we automatically think that learning abut the other side is a betrayal and just selfishness when knocking on doors early in the morning, being persecuted for doctrines you don't understand, and going to meetings three times a week just so you can live forever and not die so the God in the sky doesn't hate you, doesn't have a selfish aspect to it as well.
All a matter of perspective.
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anewme
Yes you did get lucky finding this site Noontide. Without this site you might have spent years and years in looneyville worrying about your youthful escapades.
Just as Sarah Smiles advised Pray to God and your sins will be forgiven. I believe this is true.
From all my studies in religion and ponderings on all things spiritual, that is the true path to forgiveness from the creator. It involves no other person nor entity. Our spiritual lives involve only us and God.
After doing that decide what ethics you will use for the rest of your life and go out there and LIVE AND DO SOME GOOD IN THIS WORLD.
After spending some time on this site you will start to feel much better about getting free of the Watchtower cult however you did it. You left out of guilt. As stated, some leave for scriptural reason. But however you got out, YOU GOT OUT! And that is the main thing!
Please continue to write more about your feelings. You express yourself so well, and with so much heart.
Anewme -
Confession
I really appreciate your story. You should have no guilt whatsoever for having a strong libido. We share that, and trust me, it's a gift. You should especially feel good that you aren't that slut you describe. Find that amazing woman who you can truly be in love with--and matches your libido--and what could be better?
Further, I can assure you that, while it's true that many were struggling or disgruntled for some reason about the organization, many of us were not. I truly believed I had The Truth, and did not want to discover it was a sham. When I was faced with this reality, it was a dark and depressing day for me.
So some of us were in pain and some of us were content, but I think we're all happy we're now free.
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changeling
First of all noontide, welcome to the forum. Great name, by the way. Poetic and flowing.
I have said on this forum before that those who leave the org. but still believe it's "the truth" are most to be pitied. To carry the burden of guilt and fear of Armageddon around must be torture.
Stick around and continue reading, researching and learning. You will soon have no doubt at all the the WT is a sham.
You are free to live your life and make desicions based on what's right for you.
You can be a genuine and "good" human being without the constraints of religion (JW's or any other).
Welcome to the forum and to reality,
changeling
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eclipse
Hello noontide,
This part of your story stood out to me:
So I did something stupid. I began to lead a double life again. I dated worldly women and was the exemplary brother in the hall. Don’t get me wrong, I did not slut around. I was never a “mimbo” or anything. I had meaningful relationships with the girls I was going out with (3 total – dating at different times of course, not all 3 at once) but I also had the added benefit of a sexual relationship. These girls were not looking to get married either, at least not at that time, we were all too young and all three of them were attending college and pursuing their respective careers.
I dont think it was stupid at all. It's called living a normal life. Being a JW leaves you with 2 choices, you either be miserable living THEIR way, or you live like a normal person and be happy. You chose the healthier path.
I think it was noble of you to try and be a good witness, but it was stiffling you as a human being. Being a JW, we have NO rights that every other person has. And we give up our right to live our life happily over to a group of old men in brooklyn. That is the STUPID part.
I am glad that you got to experience normal life with normal people.
It is the ones that resisted the normal healthy desire to do what they wanted are the people that are the most messed up, I have observed.
The ones that either lead a double life, or say, ''screw you!'' are more happier than the JW's who did their best to be good JW's.
It is a sad reminder of how much damage this religion has caused, and is causing. It is no wonder that so many have left and so many are still bitter and angry over what this religion has done.
You have to realize that the guilt you carry is not worthy of your time or emotion. You are a free human being with the right to live YOUR life the way you see fit. You are not hurting anyone. I am sure you bring much joy to who ever you have relationships with.
And that is what life is about. Being true to yourself and to others in your life.
The society has messed up alot of people because of their warped views of sex.
You are lucky because you left!
Your morals are just fine the way they are, and you will always find someone who will denounce you or feel you are immoral.
Religious people (note that I did not say spiritual, since one can be spiritual without being religious) are the worst for trying to force their morality on others, or who look down on others who they consider to be less moral.
Just live your life the way you want to! Be happy! Embrace your freedom, you do not need to be a slave to guilt any longer.
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worldtraveller
God gave you a good sex drive. When you turn 60 and you still have it, count your blessings. I was never much of a reader, but the other day on holidays, I found a Gideons and looked up the famous John 3:16 . It was all I needed to figure it out. If there is an afterlife, then just accept your life as is and follow that little verse. Imagine people thinking you have to suck the fun out of your life, remain permanently poor, and donate every spare penny to a cult that is endlessly corrupt.
If you marry, just do your best to stay monogamus (spelling?). If you conceive, please allow your children the freedom to choose, and show them all the wonderous things the planet offers. You should do fine.
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Hortensia
sex isn't a sin and one of the worst things religions have done is to demonize what is a natural drive. I think that many people leave religion because their sex drives are too strong and they feel terribly guilty. Once free from the religion, they can get some distance and see it for what it is. So no, you aren't using your new understanding of the WTBTS as a way to diminish your feelings of guilt. You are realizing that the religion is false, and that you want to live a normal life. You can't call the JW life normal or healthy.