Step-Daughter Problem...Need Advice

Saoirse

I have a situation with my step-daughter and I'm not sure how to handle it.

My husband and I faded away over 10 years ago. In those years, we never bad-mouthed JWs and usually tried to avoid the subject if it was raised. We've never raised the issue with my husband's children. His son is married and his daughter 17 and just graduated.

Two years ago, while I was attending my grandmother's funeral, my brother began berating me and demanded to know why I didn't go to the meetings anymore. I tried to avoid the subject but he was so hateful that I just snapped and gave him an earful. He responded by telling everyone that I was an apostate.

A few months ago, my step-daughter and step-son wrote letters to my husband informing him that they heard that we were apostates. They wanted to know why we left and only wanted to hear from their father. They said that they were going to have to shun us if this was true. I was really hurt by this.

My husband chose to ignore the letter and still talks to them every week on the phone. They haven't visited in over two years. I decided not to try and talk to them because I don't want to cause problems or make them feel like they can't talk to their Dad. I pass along best wishes and greeting through their Dad but that's it. When they mail things they only address it to there Dad, there is never any mention of me. I figure I am being shunned and that's fine, I just don't them to shun their Dad.

So here's the problem. My step-daughter recently went on a graduation trip overseas. My husband and I decided to send her some money for her trip. I suggested he send her a higher amount of money then what he was planning to send and she ended up receiving several hundred dollars. We both signed the card. I was happy to do this but I feel that I deserved to be thanked for it. She called to thank him but there was no mention of thanking me. She just sent a postcard and it is only addressed to him and there is no mention of me.

I'm trying not to let it get to me but this has really hurt my feelings. Should she be called out for being rude or should I have known better than to send her any money? I don't want to stir up another drama but I'm sick and tired of being treated like a doormat.

jeanniebeanz

If you call her out for being rude, which she certainly was, she may make every effort to force your husband into the position of having to take a side officially. Personally, I don't think you can win this one. Your fate was sealed in the outburst with your brother and the ensuing gossip about your state of disbelief in the org.

I'm so sorry, but it seems that you are persona non-grata to your daughter-in-law. But that's just my two cents and I've been accused of being pretty pessimistic. Perhaps others may have a 'way out' for you.

J

RisingEagle

I understand your quandry and you've been put in a difficult position. But I have to ask - Why in the world hasn't your husband confronted her on the issue prior to the gift? If it's because it's not been brought up before, now may be the time to do it. Tell him that you have a problem with the non-gratitude and that you feel you should be a united front against the wrong thinking encouraged by the jw's.

journey-on

She is rude and hateful, not to mention obnoxious. How dare she! (I don't allow shunning. If they tried that bs, I

would look them right in the eye and smile sweetly and say "hello, so-and so, how have your been?" Make 'em squirm.)

However, swallow your hurt and send her your own form of "thank you". How about a short little note saying something like this:

Dear Susie (or whatever)

I didn't get a chance to personally congratulate you on your graduation. That's a big step in one's life and

I just want you to know that I'm proud of you as is, of course, your dad. I'm glad the money we sent you

enabled you to enjoy the trip overseas. (And I'm glad I talked him into slipping in a little extra...wink, wink.)

Life goes by so fast, it's really important to stop now and then and just enjoy it. I'd love to see the pictures you took

and have lunch or coffee with you one day soon. Call me and let's set something up, Sweetie.

Lots of love,

Saoirse

r.a.m.

I'm sorry that you are being hurt. Let me say this. Jesus died for all people, even while they were sinners. He has never expected to receive a thank you. He did it knowing that most people would reject his loving gift. And yet, he did it. You are right to continually show her love. Love your enemies, those persecuting you. Never expect anything in return. And if you ever do receive a thank you, praise God.

Gopher

Your step-daughter is only 17, and perhaps takes such kindness for granted. Maybe she doesn't even know how rude she's being. Maybe she thinks the extra money was your husband's idea.

You're feeling hurt because you set an expectation for this girl that maybe she's blissfully unaware of. But if she is really being unkind, then since she's a grown step-daughter (and not your own daughter) so you may not have to deal that much with her in the future anyhow.

Hortensia

You could call her on her behavior in a nice way - "did you notice that the money we sent to you came from BOTH of us? I noticed that you only thanked your father." Then just sit and smile and wait for her to say something.

Or you could call your husband on his behavior - why does he allow his daughter to shun you? Of course, by avoiding the issue you helped him avoid it also. Maybe time to just let him know how you feel. You can tell him he doesn't have to do anything about it, but it isn't right and you just have to speak up.

Or, keep on biting your tongue.

I guess you have to weigh the possible outcomes - although I agree with the others that there isn't likely to be a good outcome.

Saoirse

Thanks everyone. I just spoke to my husband and he agrees that she is being very rude. He's going to speak to her about it tonight. He promised to let her know that I was the reason she got more money. Hopefully, everything will turn out ok.

journey, I love your attitude. I usually take that stance with other JWs but for whatever reason I can't seem to do that with the kids. I don't know why. Maybe it's fear of rejection. Being a step-parent can be really difficult sometimes.

fifi40

I have two step daughters who stay with us 2/3 nights a week. I was not the cause of their parents failed relationship but met there dad 3 years after he split from their mum. Sometimes they forget to say thank you for things I do for them........often there dad will remind them........I dont take offense. In 5 years of our being together I have felt the need to say something strongly about their behaviour to them about 4 times, one of which involved my eldest step daughter and my own son who were being mean to the younger step daughter.

In the main if I have a problem I will talk to my husband first about it.

My own son was being a little rude with his step mum (they are witnesses) and my ex told me about it. So I had a word with him about it and told him that Sharon does a lot for him and I expect him to treat her with respect, as this is how he has been raised.........now he is just rude to me.

IMHO, step kids have a hard time. They have to accept people into their lives who they never asked for and who demand of their parents time, love and energy.

If you have had little to do with her during her growing years it is going to be hard for her to accept you as step mum........I think it is harsh to call her rude and hateful........she is 17, going through the great change of being a child and becoming an adult and her head is probably full of nonsense.

If you can find it within yourself to let go of your attachment to needing gratitude from her personally, and just focus on the fact that no matter what you encourage her dad to be a good parent to her it may well serve your marriage and possibly a future relationship with her better.

flipper

SAOIRSE- Mr. Flipper here. First of all, I'm so sorry you have been treated this way by your stepdaughter. I feel for you as I have 2 natural daughters in the organization who hardly talk at all to me too. But I can tell you, if my children talked only with me and did not acknowledge my wife , those kids would get a good talking to and be told that if you disrespect my wife, you are disrespecting me ! Your husband needs to show you respect by insisting his kids do so. I would suggest having a heart to heart talk with your husband about this and be open about your feelings. Nothing ever gets accomplished by keeping resentful feelings in. Because what ends up happening if these things are kept in, and not discussed , is an eventual explosion or outburst, due to not handling the situation at hand. If your husband loves you, he will listen if you talk with him about this. I would not delay. Peace to you my friend, help your husband be strong, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

Step-Daughter Problem...Need Advice

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