question for single moms

BIG D

i am not complaining!

just stating a fact, i have been raising 3 boys for about 5 years, x left , dosent help, signed her rights away, sometimes i get really tired, of the non stop cycle of dishes, laundry, school pickups, football, cleaning, homework, i really am mr mom!

i love that i have them and would never give that up, we are all so close, we are all we have, especially since the fade, is this how alot of single moms feel?

i take vacations, but it really dosent help anymore, i dont do meds, its not that kind of problem!

just a general question to moms, bug d

sweetstuff

It's a tough job, no doubt Big D. What works for me, is making it clear to my girls that everyday, mommy needs a bit of "mommy time". They have mommy and them time, mom needs quiet time too. It's not always easy to find the time, or to say to a puppy eyed child, I need 20 minutes to myself, but in the long run they learn to understand its healthy to have some seperate time and it will save your sanity as well, lol.

I think its important as well, to realize you aren't a superhuman, some days, leaving the dishes till later isn't the end of the world. Try to schedule at least a half hour per day of downtime for yourself while your kids are home and about, unless of course you are dealing with a toddler, then, you are very reliant of their schedule! My daughters get out of school at seperate times, so everyday, I spent one on one time with them, when they get home, if a child feels you take that time to spend with them, they won't begrudge you taking some for yourself everyday as well.

Teach the boys to help out( if you haven't already), do dishes, pick up after themselves, help out with each other, you'll be teaching them valuable lessons in independence that will serve them well later. There is no reason why a ten year old can't load the dishwasher, or washing machine, take the clothes out put them in the dryer, etc. My girls are far from perfect in the messy department! But they will load the washer, dryer, take out the trash, help clean up, as they should, they aren't babies anymore, why treat them as such? You are a team and its important to make them part of that team, they will feel alot of pride in helping out and it will give daddy a much needed hand at times. Hope it helps!

BIG D

thats why i asked,i only have 5 years in, the voice of experience!!!!!!!!!!!

big d

Scully

Do your kids have chores? Sometimes if you can enlist their help, using a teamwork approach, it really helps establish a routine for them and takes some of the pressure off you too. It helps them learn some life skills.

What about enrolling them in Big Brothers/Big Sisters, so they have some adult-supervised time out of the house - and it gives you a break too.

Are there after school programs they can join, like a homework club or sports?

It's a tough existence being a single parent, but they do grow up, and eventually they do let you know that they appreciate everything you did for them.

ex-nj-jw

I'm not a single mom, but I felt like it many days. When the kids were younger the hubby worked late hours so by the time he got home everything was done already.

What worked for me was to enlist the help of my kids. Give them responsibilities, dishes; trash; dusting; vacuuming carpet. If you do these things together it will seem like team work to them and not like you are trying to make them slaves. It also teaches them responsibilility. I also would tell them that I needed 20minutes of me time. Everyday when we got home I would go into my bedroom for 20 minutes to unwind, they also took advantage of this time to do something they wanted. After the 20 min., they would usually start on homework while I started dinner. It worked out great!

Now they are all grown up and they still help out. I don't have to ask anyone to take out the trash or load the dishwasher. Their rooms are a different story

Of course always find to do something fun and spend one on one time with each of them. You can do it! Dad's are just as good as mom's it's all about the love you give them.

nj

Xena

I tried not to stress over the small stuff. My daughter's room wasn't always neat, but then neither was mine. As long as we both kept the community areas tidy I didn't worry much about the bedrooms. We made chores fun. Moping the floor turned into a dance contest with us twisting it dry on towels. After she went to bed was my time to watch what I wanted on TV, chat with friends and generally unwind.

restrangled

Hi Big D,

I wasn't a single mom,but like ex-nj-jw, my husband was gone for long hours every day. We raised 2 boys and sometimes it felt like a football team.

Do you have any surrounding family that would be willing to take them all on an outing once in a while? A trip to the zoo, or park for an hour or two?

The one thing my husband did which saved my sanity many times was to just take the boys out for a while on his one day off so I could sit and have silence. We had moved away from all of our family, and I didn't know any one well enough to trust with babysitting in the early years.

Look into your local park district, nearby museums, etc. and see what they offer. Everyone needs time off!

Sounds like you are doing a fabulous job!

r.

purplesofa

At the end of the day, week, month.........after endless demands, solving problems, keeping them healthy & safe, protected, making sure the bills get paid, keeping things clean, everyone fed......working hard to make them not notice the other parent is not supportive. Trying not to impose on others, trying not to complain. Smiling when you want to cry, all the sacrifices made........you love your kids, its how you even can do it.

But its lonely. Its all those little things you can't share with anyone. It's when you are tired and someone is not there to pick up the slack. No one to give you kisses appreciating all you do. Who does nice things for you? YOU don't come first in anyones life. Yes there are friends, and family, but it's just not the same. Having someone to lean on and give YOU support, while working so hard to keep everything together.

Raised five kids......husband abandoned us, no child support, no visitations, no relief. Spent years fighting for child support.

I feel for you. I have found that alot of men that are single dads are not so financially strapped as single moms. I was a stay at home mom for ten years. I found myself, without work skills, uneducated, trying to make it with five kids. Back then, I could hardly even get anyone to hire me.

Maybe you can hire someone to help out? If I had the money long ago, I would have hired help. Maybe it would have given me some time to develop a relationship leading to commitment. I don't know. After awhile I was so beat down with daily duties, chores, endless responsiblities, I lost myself.

I understand your coming here looking for a companion. I hope you find someone to love you and your family.

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

purps

serendipity

Hi BigD,

I was a single working Mom too. I agree with the others in getting your kids to do chores. AS teenagers they are capable of cleaning and doing laundry. I also relaxed my housekeeping standards a bit, because it was better for us to spend our spare 30 minutes having fun rather than scrubbing toilets. When my daughter got really busy with her senior year in school, I did get maid service to come biweekly - but the off weeks my daughter had to clean. She earned an allowance for doing that.

I also limited my daughter to one after school activity so I wasn't constantly chauffering her around.

We ate dinner out fairly often, or I would get takeout, so I wouldn't have to cook every night. There are also personal chefs who can be hired to cook meals for you for a week at a time, more cheaply than taking 4 people out for dinner every night. Your kids are old enough that they could make simple things like pasta. It also won't kill kids to occasionally eat sandwiches at night, with some soup/salad, instead of having a full blown meal.

I tried to keep our home organized and streamline our activities as much as possible. K.I.S.S was my mantra - keep it simple, silly.

I hired a lawn service to come biweekly (I didn't water the grass much so biweekly was sufficient).

Saturday morning was my time and I would go out to eat breakfast alone, read the newspaper and then do a little shopping or browse the bookstore.

With all that said, it was still hard. If I had it to do over again, I would live closer to work to minimize my commute, I would have kept my yard simpler to minimize yard work even more and I would have started maid service sooner.

As far as the schoolwork goes, can you get the older ones to help the younger ones?

BIG D

thanks so much guys, many good ideas, and from experts no less, i did not join this site to find a mate, i did it for the reasons i orginally stated, like so many here, but it seems i have a n abundance of things in common with so many here.

big d

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