I thought I would post this in response to your thread. I know I may seem very anti-gay from some of the posts I have done over the past 9 months, but I think I will give you some more background.
Somehwere in my middle teen years ( cant really remember) I started having some odd feelings toward other guys, it wasnt sexual, just some kind of attraction. The feelings came and went. I finally decided in late 1993 to walk away from the JW's and live my own life. I still did not know for sure if Armageddon was true, I wasnt even sure if I believed in a God. But I still was living under an impending sense of doom thinking the 1914 generation time span had ran out.
I met Amanda and fell in love, the sparks were flying, it was the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced. I met Amanda in March 1994 and by May 1994 I decided that it was either now or never, so I quickly proposed to her.
On our wedding day on July 23,1994 I was starting to get pre-wedding jitters, I was even second guessing the whole thing, but I quickly told myself, "what the hell does it matter, even if it doesnt work out we will all probably be dead within a few years"
Amanda and I married and then things took a downturn. Neither of us knew each other really well, nor did we know each others quirks. I was a neat freak around the house and Amanda wasnt. There were many more things we discovered we were incompatible about. Amanda and I started arguing over money, jobs, school (she was still in high school).
After a series of many events and a financial downturn we decided to move to Florida and work for my Mom and Stepfather in the motel business.
That was the biggest mistake of our marriage, because even though we had our problems before, I started getting really homesick for Kentucky and the friends I left behind. I went into a deep depression and the same sex feelings reappeared and started getting stronger.
We moved to Tennessee to be closer to home, and then the bottom practically fell out of our marriage and both of us were totally miserable.
We divorced in 1998 and were later remarried in Dec 1998 because we still realized that we loved each other, but the marriage never felt the same again. There are many reasons for this but I prefer not to mention them.
The next several years went by and my depression deepened, there were several things that happened to me that exacerbated this.
Meanhwhile Im still struggling with the sexuality issue, but I finally had the strength to look into the issues and I was surfing various gay XJW boards and even secular boards. I was hoping to make a friend or someone to talk to who could relate to what I was experiencing. It was hard to even find someone to even talk to, and just when I think I might have found a friend, things myseriously happened (some are unexplainable) but the bottom line was that I could not find even one caring person in the gay XJW world, not one!!
It wasn't until I had reached rock bottom and lost the only woman I loved, that I finally decided to come forward about my sexual issues stemming from my upbringing. I had nothing left to lose.
When I came forward here, suddenly out of the blue I started receiving hateful emails from gay XJW's. They called me a liar, they insisted that I was born gay (even though I wasnt fully gay myself).
They said some pretty cruel things. What really bothered me the most is that they were nowhere around when I was having a problem dealing with it. By far the majority wouldnt even return my emails, and the ones that did were usually some smart assed remarks.
I remember one particular gay XJW kept asking me if I wanted to get a "hook up", all I was wanting was to meet for some coffee and chat. The guy started sending rude emails, and I just let it go. I did have the pleasure of meeting him face to face a few years later (he didnt know who I was, but I knew it was him). Sometimes some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Turns out this guy had a drinking problem and was incarcerated for DUI.
My little jaunt into the gay world wasnt a good experience at all for me, it was really growing frustrating just trying to make a friend or 2.
When I finally decided I had enough, I decided to seek out some kind of help for it. I was once again bomarded with some rude emails from gay XJW's.
The point Im trying to get across is that my experience has been quite negative, almost as negative as my JW experience.
If I seem a little cold or indifferent, I cant help it, I have just grown this way over the years. A person can only take so much rejection and disappointment.
Whenever I return home to Kentucky, the real me, the original me is once again discovered. I love attending my church in Kentucky and the people have been a positive influence in my life. I know that if it hadnt been for them, I would have been suicidal a long time ago.
Yes, I guess you can say Im a "fundy", I dont have any animosity toward the right wing fundies, as they have been the only consistent source of happiness in my life.
I do believe that whatever I have experienced in my life, that God has had his hand in it, and it was all for a reason. The scripture says that he will not allow you to bear more than you can handle and that he will provide a way out.
God has saved me 3 times from death and I give him all the credit for my health.
One year ago today I was headed down a road where I almost turned my back on God, I almost went against everything I believe in. I was slowly being manipulated by someone who claimed to love me. I noticed slowly over time he was trying to wean me from the scriptures and my faith. It took me to the point of near death and almost a nervous breakdown before I finally picked myself up and realized the path I was headed down.
This is the story of my life, and one day (God willing) I will tell it to the whole world.
Dave
Open Response to Gretchen956
by Junction-Guy 12 Replies latest jw friends
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Junction-Guy
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stillajwexelder
wow - powerful
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Junction-Guy
Yeah and the big question now is "where do I go from here?" Will I ever fall in love again, will I ever feel the love for another woman that I feel for Amanda. Im prepared to live the rest of my days single, as I dont think Im capable of loving anyone else like her.
And even if for some miracle that we would ever reunite, we would still have alot of issues to overcome.
That is why Amanda has moved on, and Im still stuck. -
Gretchen956
Dave,
I have always only wished the best for you. I don't know if you are or ever were gay, more likely bi. And that is one thing that gays many times have a hard time understanding. I do know there is some prejudice in the gay community toward bi-sexuals, I have seen it too. I know for a fact that not all gays feel that way (most gays don't) and I am truly sorry that those people are the only ones that you encountered when you needed support.I did worry about your journey into the ex-gay ministry to cure you, I have lots of reasons for that. But you have to experience things for yourself and I would never presume to try to influence that.
I have also never wished you less than well, nor been anything but concerned when I read your posts. Often I could tell that you were really hurting.
I know that the other thread took a turn that I never intended, but my only point was that you really shouldn't think we are all the same based on your experience with a few of us. My ex-husband was a bigot. He didn't like Hispanic people. He would say, "I know there are nice Mexicans out there, I just haven't met any." Its exactly the same thing. And it is SO not my experience. As a culture all told, I have never met people that are harder working, or have more respect and love for family. And there are many many gays and lesbians that work hard too, that care and give and love.
I believe that karma will out, as a christian you have another view on this, but I think they amount to the same thing, cause and effect. Those that attack and judge, will in turn be judged. And, when people treat you badly in front of others on a public forum for little or no reason, others see that attitude and draw their own conclusions.
I'm glad you are back in the place that makes you happy and with people that truly care for you. I heard you say that you are getting therapy too. So all in all we all learn and grow. I hope there are no feelings. Sometimes talking about the difficult things helps.
Blessings,
Sherry
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Gretchen956
JG, As for your prospects for finding someone else to share your life with, I think that first you have to love yourself. You have a lot of positive aspects, but women won't be drawn to someone that has feelings for someone else. I think you have set your standards very high, and I wonder if anyone can live up to that.
I too have struggled with my self-esteem at times, coming from a long history of abuse, and being in a religion that said I was born second-class because of my gender, and lots of other things. I really never felt worthy. When you feel that way its very difficult to have a healthy relationship with another human being who has issues of their own, and a life experience of their own. I'm getting there though and I know you will too.
I think you are on the right path.
Good luck to you.
Sherry
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Junction-Guy
Thanks Sherry
I made a typo above and I will correct it. I meant to say I dont think Im capable of loving another woman but Amanda, instead I said "like Amanda"
There is also one poster on here that I cant get ahold of no matter how hard I try. I wanted to discuss this with him and resolve this issue, but he simply wont return my emails. I may run into him at an Apostafest and I dont know how I would deal with that. -
Junction-Guy
I've got more women drawn to me right now than they ever have been, ironic isnt it? Im just not ready to date, no way,no shape, no how.
I have several people at work trying to fix me up, I dont even want to fool with it. One woman is trying to fix me up on a blind date, she keeps insisting over and over, the woman is much older than me.
Right now I just want to be left alone and not pressured. At the present time in my life, I dont need/want a woman, it would only complicate matters further. -
junctions-wife
Dave that was a very brave thing you did. I think you are on the right path of healing. The more you talk about it the more you heal. I honestly think you will even heal more when you tell your Dad off. I know you will become the kind and gentle man that you always have been.
amanda
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Junction-Guy
Thanks Amanda, you are absolutely right. I'm torn between telling my Dad off or just forgetting it. I will never forget it, so it will always be an issue.
I would love to call my Dad up, tell him that I love him, but I totally resent the way he raised me, for it damaged me in ways that words cant even describe. I would love to tell him that I totally despise the Cult that controls him. I know this would cause alot of hurt, and definitely would be the point of no return for our father/son relationship. -
Gretchen956
Dave, I know that I don't know your past or if it in any way mirrors my own. But I want to share something anyway. My parents were very abusive people. My mom was loud and controlling and beat us, my dad was shy with no self esteem, always depressed, with a slow temper - but when he blew he could hurt us badly. During my childhood my dad never went to the meetings because he felt such a failure as a witness. We always heard it at home, though, it didn't make him less pious. My mom was a fanatic. They both raised us in a home full of fear. Fear of reprisals at any time expected or unexpected, and fear of the reprisals to come from Jehovah because no matter what we did it would not be good enough in the end. And the end was fearful and dire - we were reminded of it constantly.
I hated my parents. As a kid I counted the days until I could get away from them. I remember setting my jaw and looking my mom in the face when she beat me. She was set on beating me until I cried and I was set on not crying.
I did get away from them, but that hatred stayed with me for a long time. After all, what kind of parent does that to their kids?
But along the way I realized that my parents were both from abusive families too. That they were uneducated, and they were in a religion that encouraged them in that path. A religion that told them that they should not spare the rod lest we be spoiled. They thought love was painful. Because that was their experience of love.
Because I could understand where that all came from, I forgave them and let it go. I don't hate them any more. My parents aren't capable of knowing that unconditional love exists. Its a very sad thing, really. They are to be pitied, if anything.
I don't know what your history is with your dad. I told you this story because your dad may not be capable of what you need either. That is outside your control. But you can understand it and you can free yourself. Sometimes JW parents are exactly like the god they worship, impossible to please.
I could be way off base, if so I'm sorry, but your last post with Amanda brought that to my mind and I felt like sharing.
Sherry