The WTS And Our "Worldly Friends"

by Sunspot 10 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Sunspot

  On another thread, Finally-Free had made this comment:

  You reminded me of the friendships I had before I was a JW. We could say just about anything to each other without worrying that someone would use it against us at some later date. Once my bike broke down 200 miles from home. One phone call and a couple of friends rented a u-haul and drove out to get me and the bike. We shared girlfriends and helped each other stagger home after drinking too much. We helped each other out if someone was out of work, or we'd help each other find jobs. We had our problems, but when the chips were down we were there for each other - right or wrong.

  To think I ended those friendships when I joined the cult! After 20 years as a JW I don't feel like I know how to be a friend any more. I had no friends as a JW, so I spent 20 years learning how to be antisocial.

  Boy....THAT really got me thinking!

  I had some very good and wonderful friendships for many years when I began the study the WTS bible aids...(I was 30) and had the typical type of "always there when ya need them" that I cherished and appreciated. Prior to being "contacted" by JWs, I had been through a suicide attempt and had a caring and concerned circle of friends that were amazing in so many ways......but, as I became more indoctrinated in WTS teachings and pursuits, you all know what I was told, and I tried desperately to get these close friends to "study" too. No dice.

  Slowly but surely I stopped calling and associating with them and was secure in the knowledge that I was indeed "pleasing jehovah" for the first time in my life. Dumping all my loyal friends was certainly a small price to pay for eternal life filled with countless new friends, wasn't it? We kept hearing that the "END" was "right around the corner" (this was early 1970's)...and these worldly friends would be destroyed anyway. There WAS no time to mess around or sit on the fence.

  Then, over the years. there were four or five of these friends that tried to call or write, to see how I was doing and to touch base from out of state. (We had moved). I was always polite but cool and reserved, always keeping in mind they down deep they are REALLY trying to get me out of the WTS. I never returned their calls or letters. "I" was demonstrating MY loyalty to Jehovah, thinking it would "go well" with me in the end.

  Bump it up to 30 years after the fact....when I had discovered what the WTS truly WAS and more what it WASN'T.... and I then lost those three decades of "friends" in one week when I painfully walked away from a false religion. All my "old" friendships are only a memory, as many have ded, some had moved away with no way to find them (I have tried) and a couple that I DID find were rather cool to me when I made contact and apologies. We were in different places now, have lost too much time and will never be able to get back what was our common bond in the first place.

  So then ALSO among the nonJW relatives I dumped on in the same way and for the same reasons, I have come off as a weird and an overly opinionated and extremely judgmental person that prefers to be a loner. Nothing could be further from the truth....but due to my past behaviors it appears to others to look this way. I am reasonably sure that I am not alone in this predicament and maybe others here will understand this and empathize with how it all played out through the devices that the WTS had set into place.

  Do you THINK the men of the WTS have cleverly constructed this scenario to get their followers to cling to whatever they say and demand so that this does not happen when a JW begins to put things together and see what frauds they actually ARE? Do you think that the JWs will REALIZE that they HAVE no one else BUT other JW's (no matter what) and will obediently stay with the program rather than rock the boat out of fear?

  I do.
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  BluesBrother

  Have to agree..sadly...

  Having been brought up a dub (mostly), I never got the knack of friendships.. When we moved to new area some years back I said gooodbye to those that I knew and have never seen them or heard from since. The elders that I had to spend most time with were never really my type of person . I said at the time it was rather like being work mates , when you leave a job you do not necessarily remain bonded with those who are still there . I worked with them but that was about it.....
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  bem

  I so agree with you that could very easily be my story, My daughter is looking up the old childhood friends she remembers so well from before the dub years and is starting over with them now they are grown and are having children. But I get no replys or words from their parents my old friends from before, some of my family are "coming around" and warming up to me again slowly. But it is sad and hurtful for everyone involved.

  Annie I *feel* your words. Dorothy
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  momzcrazy

  I think if you are raised in it, you develop fear of outside friends. In school I was such an oddball because I was scared of getting friends at school. I think for others it may be like an abusive relationship where the abusive one slowly seperates the other from friends and family, so that they are alone with the abusive person. They don't usually fight it because they become convinced that the abuser really has good intentions.

  If Witnesses do get "worldy" friends they risk finding out that there really are good people out there and life can be fun. Then who would work for the Society as volunteers?

  momz
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  WTWizard

  I have news for anyone that thinks true friends can be found in the Watchtower Society. Those "friendships" are formed solely so that they can keep up with your life. You miss a boasting session, and they are calling you to guilt you into going (rarely is it because the person is genuinely interested in a person's welfare). You are not in field circus, and they want to know why. If you have questionable music or videos, they are there to be "stumbled" and to rat you out.

  True friends are not interested in controling you. They do not want just to know how much you have, so they can rat you out and do more for the Tower or put more in the Worldwide Pedophile Defense Fund. Rather, they might make allowances for circumstances. If you are frequently sick with the flu, they will understand that your missing a meeting is necessary to get better. If the kids are itching to explore, a true friend will make allowance for it within all possible means instead of having them stand still.

  To illustrate this, I remember one family that used to be in the "truth" (they were, in fact, the main reason I stayed in as long as I did before they went to another congregation). They had a baby that was very intelligent and very much into everything. When this baby became a toddler, I would frequently babysit this child. I allowed them the freedom to explore things, within my ability to keep them out of danger's way. In fact, I was willing to sacrifice some lunch time (about 20 minutes) to allow this toddler the chance to explore and learn, burning off some nervous energy in the process. I figured that 20 minutes of this was worth it to allow this child the chance to get a bit of learning experience. Turns out that such people are extremely rare.

  Then, after about 20 minutes, another person came along and took this child. Now, it was a matter of having to stand still in line for lunch. At that point, that child would no longer be allowed to explore. Everything basically had to be controlled by that other adult. To me, that is not a true friend. It is more of a controling relationship! The worst thing is that this is normal within the Watchtower Society!

  Compared to the world, there really is no comparison. I remember my parents having worldly friends that were materially well off. They often went with us on camping trips and had us visiting during the late 1960s and early 1970s, going out of their way to entertain us kids (like I attempted to with that child). There was none of that inhibition of exploration or fulfilling other needs, nor did we have to account for everything we did to fit the wants of someone else. And we would do things like help them fix their house when it settled (my father helped jack it back up about a quarter inch). This is the type of friendship you expect in the world.

  I think my pick is pretty blatant.
• 

  Sunspot

  Oh boy....as usual, my timing is sooo b-a-d! I am booked up solid with chores I neglected and things I must do before Thanksgiving. Each day has an appointment or an obligation set in stone (I will get into that at later time)...AND I have a grandson home from college beginning on Tuesday who's bed is covered in boxes and craft stuff and piles of clothes in seasonal transition! .....but as I said--- Finally-Free's post touched a nerve and I was compelled to respond by starting this thread. NOW I have a comment to make to everyone that has replied TO this thread....and hope I can do them justice with my busy schedule, LOL! Anyways....here goes:

  Blues Brother said:

  I said at the time it was rather like being work mates , when you leave a job you do not necessarily remain bonded with those who are still there . I worked with them but that was about it.....

  I know exactly what you are saying here!! That "working together shoulder to shoulder" (as they like to state)....is NOT the same as a comraderie born from a true sharing of personal goals and desires.....or the kind that "worldly folks" share when they are from varying backgrounds and circumstances. It is difficult to put your finger on to explain....but I think we all can agree on this innately false assumption that because JWs are all in this together that they then MUST be cemented together no matter what. It is just not the same.
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  Sunspot

  Bem said: But I get no replys or words from their parents my old friends from before, some of my family are "coming around" and warming up to me again slowly. But it is sad and hurtful for everyone involved.

  I have two cousins (mother and daughter) that have stuck by me all through my "stupid" years in the WTS, and have NEVER given a hint of dissatisfaction or anything of the kind. They are so precious to me....and the older one is where I spent an idyllic week's vacation at Cape Cod the year I left the WTS, to let me unwind and gather up my thoughts on how to go forward with the rest of my life. Other than them....it was a struggle in many ways to try and acclimate myself into my own family once again.

  It takes a great deal of courage to go to open family get-togethers and try to fit in again. I was extremely self-conscious and I DID have those that walked away when I greeted them as they walked in. Somehow, my cousin Junie would "see" things happen (no matter WHERE she was) and was there to offer me support and a thumbs up every time it was needed! She got me through some very tough moments.....and yes....IT IS so painful.
• 

  Sunspot

  Momz said:

  I think for others it may be like an abusive relationship where the abusive one slowly seperates the other from friends and family, so that they are alone with the abusive person. They don't usually fight it because they become convinced that the abuser really has good intentions.

  Interesting! I had never thought about this in the same light as an abusive situation before this....but I can see the comparison you have drawn. And yes....the "grin and bear it because they have your best interests at heart"...does seem to come into play here. It slaps those blinders on even tighter.
• 

  Sunspot

  WT Wizard said:

  I have news for anyone that thinks true friends can be found in the Watchtower Society. Those "friendships" are formed solely so that they can keep up with your life. You miss a boasting session, and they are calling you to guilt you into going (rarely is it because the person is genuinely interested in a person's welfare). You are not in field circus, and they want to know why. If you have questionable music or videos, they are there to be "stumbled" and to rat you out.

  Absolutely right on target!! I remember it well. The few calls are truly not out of a genuine concern.....but to give an accounting of your absence from whatever WTS pursuit you had missed. There is always the chance that your excuse did not stand up to what the caller expected either. (sigh)

  True friends are not interested in controling you. They do not want just to know how much you have, so they can rat you out and do more for the Tower or put more in the Worldwide Pedophile Defense Fund. Rather, they might make allowances for circumstances. If you are frequently sick with the flu, they will understand that your missing a meeting is necessary to get better. If the kids are itching to explore, a true friend will make allowance for it within all possible means instead of having them stand still.

  That first sentence was like a piercing arrow of truth......and yet isn't this precisely what the JW's DO? Even when they may not even be AWARE of it....this is true. Isn't this what their "bible studies" are actually all about? Control? Being controlled? Learning to control OTHERS as you get deeper into this? Learning to ACCEPT control by whatever the GB writes and teaches at present? Wow. Think about it. There is less and less freedom and more and MORE restraints and restrictions that ALL must abide by or be looked down on. Yikes!

  Thanks for sharing your experience with the toddler. It certainly fit well into this discussion!
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  sspo

  Same story here.

  At 22 i came in the "truth" and dropped all my friends for a life in the watchtower.

  After 32 years in it,going thru a divorce because of the 'truth" i found that our so called brothers and sisters did not know how to show love.

  Guess who was there for me? Well it was my "worldly family and friends" that i had dropped 32 years earlier that showed much love,

  help and encouragement for me.

  The others were too busy to make new converts.