Just,
Have you spoken to a doctor about some antidepressants? You can go to any doctor and get them. It sounds to me like you are severly depressed and even temporary medication may help. I've been on meds since my last son was born. My doctor got mad at me for waiting so long to ask for them. My whole outlook changed. While you are going through bad times, meds may help you find positives in your life.
Some are against meds but if it will help you feel better, why not try them?
Hang in there. Here's a hug.
momz