-Turns out I was ALWAYS an "apostate".

by Awakened07 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  Awakened07

  A recent post by JCanon (of all people, lol) jogged my memory and brought back (repressed?) memories from when I was just a kid.

  I remembered that I was constantly thinking - thinking of all that I learned as a JW (and at school/elsewhere), but I was always able to look at it from "outside the box" even as a kid. I had all these questions that I never got answered, because they were 'outside' of what I learned. Outside looking in. And this at a fairly young age.

  I remember eventually thinking (and saying out loud) "I wish I wouldn't think so much. Those who are born mentally handicapped within the JWs are lucky, because they will probably believe everything without question and be saved because of it".

  I know - not very politically correct, but cut me some slack - I was 10, 12 at the time, and I didn't mean anything hurtful by it. It was just an honest opinion. I was also thinking of the scriptures that said more or less that God has made it simple to understand for those who are viewed as 'unintelligent' in the world, but that the 'intelligent' in the world won't understand it (I can't remember the passage, but JCanon loves to quote it).

  I believed it was the Truth though, but I had so many questions. As many other JWs, I was "waiting on Jehovah". I figured the gist of it was true, so even though these questions bothered me, it would all be revealed in due time.

  I prayed for that to happen. I prayed that Jehovah would show me the answers, and I read the literature so He could show me.

  What He eventually showed me was that He didn't exist. He at least gave me that insight.

  I remember at an even earlier age, my mother had a real problem trying to study with me, because I would constantly burst out laughing. I guess it was the very strict, serious setting, combined with the rather ludicrous theology of the WBTS. And perhaps my mom's "hijab" that she had to wear because my dad couldn't study with me at the time. She always washed her hair before study so it wouldn't look so weird that she had to wear it...

  So - it turns out I was more or less always an "apostate".

  Anyway - thanks JCanon, for jogging my memory.
• 

  oompa

  I can relate 07....I had questions too, but really started doubting at 19...then got distracted by wife, kids, work, house.....sometimes I wish I had just stayed distracted................oompa
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  GetOverIt

  Same here. I can remember being young, less than 10 laying in the bed at night with all my questions. I remember asking questions as a young adult and people getting angry with me. I remember being told "I think too deep". My goodness, Jehovah gave me a brain, does he not want me to use it. I'm so tired of being afraid of reading the boards, afraid of reading books, other bibles, etc. This is the most free I've been in my life. I love it! So like you, I've always been an apostate. We only difer in the area that I believe Jehovah exists.
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  dawg

  Yea, I hear that... I finally sucumbed to the bull but from day one, I knew better that that talking snake
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  sooner7nc

  Yep me too

  I recently replied to another post about my youthful fantasy wherein the bOrg retracts their beleif in a literal Armageddon, field circus, etc. I remember that this was not only because of abject fear of Arm., but the fact that so much of their teachings just did not make sense. I mean not only their twisted interpretations of mainline doctrine, such as hellfire, trinity, etc., but, for example, all the earths animals paired up on an ark! Lions and Tigers eating grass while laying next to tasty sheep!

  Come the F#$* on! What do we look like? Morons? Jeez, saying that felt good

  sooner7nc
• 

  Awakened07

  We only differ in the area that I believe Jehovah exists.

  Hi, thanks for the comment, and welcome to the forum.

  I did too for a while, even long after having thrown all the other stuff out the window. For me, "Jehovah" then slowly became "The Actual, True Creator Who Is Out There Somewhere", and after a little longer... disappeared.

  I won't be militant about my current beliefs (or lack thereof) though, so I won't rag on you for still believing in him. Who knows - perhaps in time I will change my mind. I'm open to the possibility (of believing in a Creator, that is).

  My current (self made) philosophy is: As long as what you believe doesn't hamper your ability to be yourself and express yourself in 'this life', and live a full lifetime, then I'm OK with it. We know 100% for certain that we are alive right now. If someone comes along and offers something outside or beyond that lifetime, and they also demand that you need to forsake yourself in "this life" in order to get the "next", then you should ask for the same amount of proof of this alleged 'next life' as you have of this current life; - in other words 100%.

  So, more or less, I'm of the "live and let live" class now, as long as people's beliefs doesn't hurt them or others. However, sometimes you will see me argue for my current views, but that is to be expected. I in turn expect "the other side" to argue likewise for theirs.
• 

  Mum

  Think of all the time and grief we could have saved ourselves if the holy spirit had moved the elders to perceive our hidden apostasy.

  Oh, well, if experience is the best teacher, we are 'way out front.

  Regards,

  SandraC
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  dogisgod

  No I was a sucker but I started as an infant. Now I don't believe Jehovah is the correct name. Don't quite know how to pray..."in Jesus' name" or just "aloha" but I still can't give up the prayer. Think there is a Creator but is non gendered (would make me very happy if it were a woman). Don't think god is interested in us. Like the directer of the Body Farm at the University of Tennessy said , "We have made God in OUR image".
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  serotonin_wraith

  Oh I was always against it in my head - and had questions like 'Hmm, if my parents were of a different religion, would I even care about all this?' Kids are smarter than people give them credit for. The closest I ever got to 'God' was at the age of about 12 when I actually prayed without being made to (for a few months), but looking back I was just sucking up to God so that he wouldn't kill me.

  Apart from that, I don't think I ever liked it or embraced it. I was on the outside looking in too.
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  martinwellborne

  watch that independent thinking