Confused and upset

Matilda Wormwood

Behind me is a beast

Composed of doubt

It is huge and mighty

Breathing down my neck

Visions of shadow flicker through my eyes

I don’t know if the things I am seeing are real.

Those that opposed me are shown in true light

These are ones I have relied on

Yet now withdraw their hand of friendship

If I continue to hang on

will I fall to the chasm growing between us?

Those in power may listen yet

But how do I console myself

When a part of myself is torn away?

My decision

My decision

My decision is

I don’t know what to decide.

So that beast consumes my thoughts

Dragging me down

Friendships decay

Bridges burn

Who am I if half of me is now gone?

My Own Soul and Tofu are taking each other to court-
on one side will be me, Roller, and probably most of the other people from the point. On the other will be HH, an old family friend who I'll call Omega, Dr. Bunnybabbit, DF, and tons of other people.

In my previous situation, I pretended I liked HighHorse. I pretended too well- while I know I don't like her, part of me is used to the charade- it was as easy as breathing. Now I'll have to sit in a court room and I have no idea what is expected of me. I always just wanted to move out when I was 18 and have HH not know any better.

Omega will be there. She is an old family friend, and used to be My Own Soul's friend, until she helped with a move and everything went downhill. Now she's helping Tofu but I'm so confused. When I think of her, I think of a friendly over-the-top second mother. That's how she always was, and how she treats me now. I don't know what to make of it. I want her to somehow switch sides- but the fact that she has decided seems irrevocable. I want more than anything to retain my relationship with her- but I don't want to betray my morals. With HH, I only had small amounts of affection, and I pretended the rest. But Omega always was and feels like she still is a second mother- I don't love her as much as mom, and I never will, but how can I give that up? Should I? RD says shes a con artist and a snake, and intellectually I agree with him- But I can't stop mourning for a loss I feel coming up.

The court meeting is Tuesday, and it may not decide everything, but it will start the process. How can I make everything right, and still feel I made the right decision?

On a slightly brighter note, I had a dream that the court meeting had started, and on dad's side there was HH, Omega, Dr. Bunnybabbit, DF, and a couple others I didn't recognize. On mom's (My Own Soul)side, there was Rollerdave, Mrs Roller, Rollerdaughter, Gopher, everyone else from the point (I don't know their nicknames, but it's like 5 more peeps) and like all of the people from JWD. Dad and HH were looking like they were about to piss their pants. I thought it was funny.

I wish all decisions in life were easy.

Sincerely,

Matilda-er

Tildy- I mean

Matily?

No, maybe...

Matilda Wormwood.

yknot

Prayers for all to go in your favor dear Matilda

Many Hugs

Matilda Wormwood

Thanks, I just want to stop feeling like I don't know who I am Will that ever happen? I sure hope. Matildy

RollerDave

Tildy darlin,

Ten years out of the borg and I'm STILL rooting out tendrils of their sticky gooey influence.

It takes as long as it takes, but the worst part is at first, then it gets better as you go.

I'd advise outrage as a way of putting what's been done to you behind, Yell at them in the mirror for putting you through this until it seems less hurtful.

Remember that it isn't normal to make one's daughter live under constant watch, to take away reading, writing, drawing....

It isn't loving.

I know you think you are 'whining' but I assure you I have never heard you whine about this, you seem to forgive them in the same breath as you relate how you were treated. You give them the benefit of a doubt way past the removal of all doubt.

I heard you stand up to him and DEMAND an answer, I know you are strong, but you need to see it for yourself and own your strength.

We all love you and support you,

Roller and the entire Point Crew

ex-nj-jw

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

nj

RollerDave

Omega betraying your friendship and all she meant to you is a lot like the betrayal of a spouse in a way, it's as if the past has been taken since you can no longer be sure what was lies.

It's as if you have been attack by one who you never felt need to build a defense against....

=================================

Love

My love is empty, it’s windows broke,

The sooty damamge of thick black smoke.

silent echoes down an unlit hall,

spaceous rooms that now seem small.

The lock is broken, kicked in, is the door,

precious moments strewn from each drawer.

Who is the vandal who has done this to me?

She who was trusted with the only key.

My memories trampled out on the lawn,

if love’s like this, I cannot go on.

================================

It's like that.

Sux.

Hugs anyways,

Roller who is a very much "alive poet."

Priest73

you got hugs from me as well.

Abandoned

Hey fellow poet, good job!

mrsroller

Tildy,

I know you are nervous about court and do not know what to expect on Tuesday (ó.ò). Tofu and HH are very controlling and DF and Omega encourage it and Tofu and HH do not want to let go and allow you to take the reigns of your own life (>_<). Their fondest wish is to be involved in every detail of your life especially college as I have witnessed. They think that if they take all of us out of the picture they can easily have their control back and mold you into what they want ?_?. Most teenagers who have controlling parents try to make their lives as busy as possible with positive activities like your government club. They think everyone at the Point is a bad influence on you and that it is all our fault you spoke up and told them how you really feel about them. They can't hurt you unless you let them. You have the right to your own choices, thoughts and opinions and there should be nothing wrong with telling "parents." Just be true to yourself and assert your independence as a blossoming adult! ..V,(^_^)

mrsroller of the wish I was (-.-)zzZ and counting class

Vivamus

I will not pretend to know what you should do in this case, as I do not know the details, nor people involved.

But, you say you do not who you are - and that is quite normal. Especially if you have been pulled on for a long time, and if you wish to please everyone around you - a person can get lost. Maybe it will help you if you can get professional help, just someone to talk to - where you do not feel you need to protect someone else's feelings and can just consider your own.

For now, trust your intellectual judgement. Emotionally this can be hard, as you describe a mourning feeling when this involves not trusting someone - whom you would rather trust. Your intellect is something to rely on, where your emotions can be clouded.

((((Mathilda)))

Confused and upset

Share this