Sorry guys, here is the story broken down in paragraphs. For some reason I can't edit my posts after I submit them When I was fourteen my mom started taking me to a new congregation. It was in a small town still but far different than the one I came from. There wasn't any nepotism like before and people seemed to get along without any cliques. I remember the day I met my first real crush. Her name was Deborah (not the real name obviously), and she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen in my life. Of course, that's not saying much since I came from a town where the females were mediocre at best, and those were all at school, unattainable for me (although I did end up dating one for a short time). Having an attractive girl in my congregation was a completely new experience. To sum it all up, it f----ed me up for a while, as girls often do.
One day right after meeting I looked to my right and saw her with her hand out, offering me a handshake. I shook her hand, and avoided eye contact. A pretty girl was talking to me! She introduced herself and I managed to force some personal information out in short bursts. I made my decision right then and there to have my publisher cards transferred. I was going to marry that girl, I was sure of that.
The most striking trait about Deborah wasn't anything physical. She didn't have particularly striking "attributes" at all. Her gift was her charisma. She was a leader, and was often the focal point of attention in the conversation. Even though she was only 13, she carried herself as an adult. I was awestruck. I imagine that is what Cleopatra must have been like; not much in the looks department, but could talk herself into the bed of any man she wanted. Her dad was an elder and her mom pioneered once in a while. She had an older brother and sister that I was casual friends with.
We both played guitar, and it was often the occasion to hang out together on top of the regular service and meetings. As we grew older, I began to realize that my plans for us might not happen. She started to get crushes on other guys, and all the while I was confused, tormented. I'm right here! Hello!
I considered myself a "nice guy," but looking back, I don't think I was. I was possessive, jealous, judgmental, socially retarded, and emotionally needy. I thought I was so awesome, how could any girl not be attracted to me? Of course, having this mentality reinforced by all the mothers of the congregation (including hers) didn't help. The mothers loved me because I was spiritual. I commented at the meetings, prepared, auxiliary and even regular pioneered for a brief stint, but little did they know what a contemptible child I was. I was so embarrassing. One time, Deborah was showing pictures of her fishing trip to the car group. She had to go fetch her little brother's lure so she stripped to her underwear (so her clothes wouldn't get wet) and waded into the water. I ended up e-mailing her about how inappropriate I thought that was. Unfortunately for me, this was right before she was supposed to go on a trip with us, and I got the cold shoulder the entire time. I did this sort of thing quite often. If she did something I didn't agree with, I would say something. I thought at the time that it was a virtue. Only years later did I learn the lesson that tact is important, too.
I went to the meeting for service one Tuesday morning and didn't see Deborah there. She would usually go out that day. I asked her mom about it and she told me that she had left home the previous night. Grief is a funny thing. First, I didn't feel a thing. I actually thought I was going to be okay, until about an hour later. I started crying in the car. Deborah had gone to live with her worldly father. How could she do such a thing? How could she put herself in a position that would endanger her relationship with Jehovah? I still don't know why she left. I don't really want to, either. I've found over the last decade that there are some things you're really better off not knowing.
I didn't see her or talk to her for a while after that. Eventually, she moved in with her older sister and brother and we started hanging out quite often. She seemed like she was still in "the truth." She had a huge multi-page list of all the bible books and chapters on her bedroom wall, where she would check off the chapters as she read them. I'd ask her about her congregation, and she'd give me adequate answers. By this time, I was at the point where I still had a thing for her, but knew it probably wasn't going to happen. I was happy with the friends-only arrangement most of the time. My feelings would fluctuate weekly, however.
One night, we all hung out and she invited this worldly guy her brother worked with. He had come over a few times, but I didn't think much about it. This time, however, they were giving off the boyfriend/girlfriend vibes, and I came to the sad realization at the end of the night. When I got home I called her and asked her straight out, "why do you have a worldly boyfriend?" She didn't want to talk, being that said boyfriend was sitting right next to her on the couch. I made her promise to call me the next day. She didn't, so I called her, and called her again, and again, and again. I told her our friendship was over if this is the life she was going to choose. I thought about it some more, and I realized that this was her "mistake" to make, and that I should be a supportive friend, so I called back one final time. Her sister picked up and refused to give her the phone. I told her to tell Deborah I was sorry and I take it back. Her tone changed and she said "oh, okay!"
I can only remember one time after that we hung out. She invited me to a wings place to watch the wrestling match. I met up with her and some friends of hers, none of whom were witnesses. I was sitting by her and she saw her ex-boyfriend (the one I got my panties in a bunch over earlier, she ended up leaving him). She whipped out a cigarette and lit up. He hated it when she smoked. I played it off like it was nothing, but inside I was screaming. It was over, for real this time. I got up and acted like I was going to refill my cup, but I just left. I immediately called her witness parents and asked for the number of an elder in her congregation. I got the number and reported what I saw. He told me he hadn't seen her for quite some time, so he didn't think anything would happen, and nothing did.
Earlier this year I got on myspace and requested to be on her friend's list. Surprisingly, she approved it. I never did work up the guts to talk to her again. In retrospect, I'm glad all of this happened. I learned a lot from the experience, and got a lot of embarrassing stories from it. I firmly believe that you really haven't lived unless you have embarrassing stories that you can look back and laugh about. So, there you have it, the story of my first attempt to attract a female. It's long, and it's painful, but the way I see it, why bother failing at all if it isn't a spectacular failure?
My story, chapter 3 - Girls, Girls, Girls
by B_Deserter 12 Replies latest jw experiences
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B_Deserter
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avishai
I think we all have experiences like that.
That post took some huge gut's, m'man. If I were you, I'd blog it on your myspace, and send her a link.
PS, I'd be proud to be your myspace friend.
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B_Deserter
Thanks avishai, I appreciate. I'm actually not on myspace anymore due to all the spam I was getting. Plus, right now I'm not in a good place to have one anyway. I'd feel way too exposed.
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penny2
I enjoyed that, B_Deserter!
My first crush experience - it happened during the bookstudy - I was probably about 14. I fell in love with a young JW my age - we'd known each other since we were about 5. I remember sitting there in a fairly tight sweater with my little boobs, looking at him trying to get his attention. After the study I made a beeline for him like a magnet. Our arms brushed briefly. I still remember the feeling.
Unfortunately my father noticed. I was ordered home immediately and severely reprimanded.
I was so embarrassed, I don't think I ever spoke to my beau again. Girls didn't make the first move in those days but I couldn't help myself. He moved to another congregation a couple of years later.
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cyd0099
That fifth paragraph, man I thought you were describing me there for a second.
*whew!*
Especially the parts about the mothers. They thought I was the best thing under the sun as a teenaged boy. -
B_Deserter
so true, cyd. I found out the hard way that being adored by the congregation mothers pretty much doomed your love life.
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Frequent_Fader_Miles
I was possessive, jealous, judgmental, socially retarded, and emotionally needy.
Man, sorry to say this, but after reading your story the description seems right on. I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself at first, but continuing reading .....
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AllTimeJeff
Wow... I have some similar stories, except I never cared for the chicks I insulted or turned into the elders. As I look back now, I am sort of jealous, they left the JW's while a teen. I did them such a favor.. I hope....
As long as we all learn from our experiences, there are no such things as bad ones... (embarrassing on the other hand,,,, I can't help you... of course, I have insulted so many girls while a JW in my teens, I can' only credit my total lack of awareness for not feeling as embarrassed as I should have...)
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B_Deserter
Yeah, it's pretty bad, but I was determined to be faithful in service to Jehoover, and to me I thought that meant judging the heck out of everyone I knew. I thought I was helping them.
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penny2
B_Deserter, I have read your first 2 chapters also. I am very impressed with your writing style. You have been through a lot - hope you are going all right at the moment.