??? for single moms

frozen one

When you were dating a new guy, how did you introduce your kids to the guy? In your experience what worked really well? What didn't work out?

I've been seeing a single mom for a while. She has three children. I've met her oldest son. He's in his 20's and married. A really nice kid and we get along great. Her youngest two, both boys, are 7 and 5 and she splits custody with their father every other week. She wanted me to meet them earlier this fall but I thought it was best to hold off on meeting the kids until after the holidays as this was the first holiday season for the kids with mom in one place and dad in another. My reasoning was that there would be enough stress in everyone's lives with dueling parents that there was no need to add me to the mix. I also thought that she and I should get to know each other better beforehand. I've dated single moms in the past who thought nothing of bringing a new guy around the kids every other month and don't want to be part of that again.

Anyway, the holidays are over. I have a couple of ideas about how I'd like to meet the kids. The kids are not oblivious to the fact that their mom is seeing someone. Kids know what's going on. She hasn't hid anything from them and they know my name and a few other things about me. Personally I think that when the kids insist on meeting me then we should meet. Not when mom or I think the time is right. I'd rather have it be their idea. In the end mom will have the final say I suppose.

I'm not really looking for advice right now. Just curious about different experiences some of you have had.

erynw

Bumping this for you.

Hope you get some answers.

nelly136

neutral ground bowling alley and a burger after maybe?

if you leave it too long the kids might think you dont want to get to know them?

jgnat

I was a fiercly protective single mom. I did not look and guys did not approach when my children were small. So I raised them alone and didn't parade a series of temporary "uncles" and "daddies" through their lives. My daughter, especially, was highly protective of her family identity and if a guy showed interest, she did her best to warn me off.

Well, when they both became adults, all bets were off. I embarrassed my daughter to high heaven by necking with my date on the front porch.

I'm glad you are taking your time. You are doing things right by making sure you are going to be with the woman for a while before introducing yourself to her boys. The biggest mistake I've observed over the years is men who think they can be a replacement father figure. Don't even try. The best model to go for is to be a "big brother" and a friend. Leave discipline to the mom. If you have any disagreements on parenting, do it behind closed doors.

Perhaps the best approach is the way you approach someone else's cat. Wait for them to come to you. Be friendly enough without slobbering all over them.

frozen one

Thanks for your insight, jgnat. I've learned over the years that going slow with the kids is a pretty good approach. One difference this time is that the father is still hoping to reconcile with the mom (not gonna happen according to her) and he keeps telling the boys that "Mom will come to her senses and we'll all be together again" which the kids, of course, are really keen on. I'm pretty sure when the father finds out his ex is seeing someone there won't be a lot of positive reinforcement coming from his direction. The next few months will be interesting.

wha happened?

a few years back I dated a sister who had 5 kids. 3 adult, two age 13 (twins). Everyone was happy for her. Until the oldest daughter noticed the attention shift. She sabotaged it. Her Mom didn't figure it out until I had moved on. She tried to spark it up again but I was already done. It's a shame because I really loved her and she was one smoking hot woman.

jgnat

All the more reason, frozen one, to step away from the "dad" role. It sounds like you have the smarts to pull it off.

Has she finalized the divorce?

serendipity

I think conventional wisdom is to wait awhile before introducing a boyfriend to the kids. However, what if you wait 6 months or more, and then the kids don't like you or you don't like them? I was interested in a man I worked with, who was on a 6 month contract. The interest was mutual, but we both agreed it was a bad idea to date coworkers. We had to work on Saturdays occasionally, so I brought my daughter (age 5) to work and we all went out to lunch. I got to see how he interacted with my daughter. He had told me that he liked kids, but it was obvious that a very inquisitive, slightly messy kid who likes attention was more than he could be around for extended periods of time. I'm glad I "introduced" them before I got emotionally invested. After that, I decided to get more serious about being a JW, and didn't date at all due to the lack of 'suitable' candidates, so the issue really didn't come up again. My daughter is 18 now, and she doesn't like me dating, doesn't want to hear about my dates and doesn't want to meet them. She is very honest when she says that she doesn't want to share me. I'll figure out how to handle her when I get serious about someone.

sweetstuff

Well as a single mom, here's my take on it, it's important to not parade men thru the kids lives. Or women, if its a single dad. However, when you see a strong possibility of a lasting relationship with that person, that's the only time, the kids should be involved. At first, it should be a no touching no kissing kind of introduction, IMO. They should just get to know you as mom's friend, without the stress of seeing you two hugging and kissing and all. They are very young, after all.

With time, that can be introduced slowly, depending on the seriousness of the relationship. But if you don't see this woman as one you want to spend your life with at this point, I would suggest holding off on meeting her kids. Kids get very attached and get very hurt.

Sparkplug

As a mom who has been single for a long time as sweetstuff has I agree...but with a twist. I also have been in long relationships. Years in fact. And they can still just walk. I have been married for years and they still just walk. I have been the numskull that dated and brought them around the kids too soon and that was stupid...and you know what...anyone is free to walk at anytime.

The fact is kids are hurt no matter what way you go.

You teach your kids the best way you can.

They are hurt by the absence of a parental figure. Don't try to fool yourself and say they are not. You just do the best you can with what you have not.

And they are hurt by people coming and going out of theirr lives. They really are.

They are hurt by natural parents leaving.

They are hurt by natural parents staying far too long if it is an arrangment that is detremental to their well being emotionally or physically.

They are hurt by both parents being there if they really don't get to know their child.

They are hurt if you get to know someone and take the appropriate time to bring them into your life and do all the correct steps...and still they leave.

They are hurt if you try again...and they are hurt if you don't.

Everything you do will change and have a change in your child...The absolute best thing you can do is be there as a constant for your child. Know your child and do the best you can to keep your relationship constant with your child stable. If you think that what you do after hours when they are asleep they don't know...you are sadly mistaken. Kids know. They are smart and it all catches up with you. So don't be afraid to live. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and keep trying with your kids. Keep moving forward Judge not harshly for you never know what you have missed in your own childs life that you don't know yet. Some kids don't nor won't tell their parents what is really inside that picture perfect painting they show you. I am learning that by some kids I am talking with recently. It is heartbreaking.

I often feel so bad because all of my sins are there for the world to see. I never hide stuff. I am a big one on saying this is it. This is who I am and this is what I have done. Wrong and right..and now. Lets either prevent it from getting worse...or happening at all. or fix it. Whatever the case is. But I am seeing these people who have these picture perfect lives and it is so sad because the kids are telling me this different story. They are the same and ten(no 100 times worse) because nobody would talk about it (the problems) or even acknowledge them. Like it would be a reflection upon them if they saw there was a problem in the first place.

Anyhow. With this rant. I say, be careful. Don't throw caution to the wind. do all you can in your power to be careful and to feel things out and protect your children in dating situations. But as with anything. You can never control or really know the other person. And like it or not as much as you want...thing happen and "best laid plans have a way of falling down midflight."

There. Ten cents worth instead of two.

Sparky (Painfullly aware of her transgressions)

??? for single moms

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