If I had a lighter I'd be holding it up and swaying in my cube while I re-read your post.
Instead I'll just be touched by the honesty of what I see in your post. Preach on brother Luke, preach on!
Where we go from here is a choice I leave to you
by coolhandluke 16 Replies latest jw friends
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Abandoned
It's kind of funny. That movie, The Matrix, was the first movie I watched when I started falling away from the org. It was completely by accident too. I was living with my wife in Tijuana, MX, and she had just gone on vacation to see her mom in Chiapas. She made these trips twice a year and usually stayed for a month at a time. I loved and hated her trips. I loved them because I had time to myself. When she was home, family and friends were dropping by all day long. I like visits, but not unannounced and definitely not ones that last all day long. But of course I hated her trips too, because I missed her a lot. I hated to go to the kingdom hall by myself and she took care of so many little things around the house that I just didn't feel right when she wasn't around. She left on Saturday evening and I didn't go to the hall that Sunday. The guild from not going made me feel like crap and so by the time Wednesday came around, I didn't come home from work. I was working in Southern Cal and a round trip drive from home to work was just over 200 miles. So, since she wasn't there anyway, I got a hotel room and bought a pack of cigarettes. I hadn't smoked for quite a long time, and I'm not really sure why the temptation was so strong. But, there I sat, resting on the bed in my motel, smoking my lungs out and watching TV.
That's when The Matrix came on HBO. It would have been the first Wednesday of May, 2000. I watched it but I don't know if I consciously understood what I was seeing. I don't think I connected or realized that I had connected at that point. But, from that pack of cigarettes, from that night in the motel room (by myself), and from that disobedient night watching R-rated movies, began my falling away from the org. I think I may have tried to quit smoking again after that. Probably many times, but for the most part, that was my secret sin until I quit attending altogether.
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primitivegenius
way serious bro. fact is before we were all guaranteed salvation if we put those 10 hours a month in fs and if we made all our 5 meetings a week and studied ahead of time and read those 4 mags and the odd publication every month............ kinda like the jews of old under the law............ they couldnt keep it and neither could we...... but they held that F*&^%$# carrot out there ahead of us and made us feel like s*** because we never could reach it........... but we felt we had a handle on life and what god wanted of us....... most of us felt superior over the normal person who we thought struggled onward day after day pursueing the goal of higher education and makeing a living........... all to be destroyed by armageddon.........
now where are we............ trying to make up for lost time getting educated to provide for a family we may or may not have managed to aquire........... who may or may not be still in the cult.............afraid we cant do this or that and wondering how much of the jw teachings were based on what god truely wants of us and how much were total bulls***. trying to get a handle on what life TRUELY is and where we truely fit into it. we either choose to do this with god......... or in doubt of his very existance..... i personally choose to belive that he does exist and that he does care for me......... i dont belive in that "fear him like a child fears to displease his parent" bulls***........... instead the god i worship cares for me like i care for my own son............ nothing he wont do for me but i gotta grow and learn what he wants to teach me.......... so i hope im learning fast enough.
goals............... there just like working hard......... all that gets you is more hard work and the pride and sense of a job well done when accomplished.......... i think its worth more than gold..... to know you did something well.
i find that if i give my fears to much power i become totally useless and am incapable of accomplishing anything. i try to put the fears aside because then all those rules and limits they kept slamming us with in that cult........... it all goes away ... if only for a while and i find i can accomplish so much more than i ever dared to dream before. all built upon successes i accomplished one by one..... i wont let a body of janitors tell me ill never reach my goals or to in any other way squash them ever again.
some day THEY CAN CLEAN MY GUEST QUARTER BATHROOMS.
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coolhandluke
i find that if i give my fears to much power i become totally useless and am incapable of accomplishing anything. i try to put the fears aside because then all those rules and limits they kept slamming us with in that cult........... it all goes away ... if only for a while and i find i can accomplish so much more than i ever dared to dream before. all built upon successes i accomplished one by one
powerful statements
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primitivegenius
so were yours bro........... powerfull indeed....... free empowerd minds can think thos thoughts cant they
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Sparkplug
You cannot undo the past and you cannot fix people. How many times must I learn this lesson? Salvation comes at your own hands and by your own choices. There is no personal Jesus to take on your sins. We nail our frailties onto our own cross made with our own sweat and we choose the whens and the ifs of impaling. "Where we go from here is a choice I leave to you." People must choose for themselves. Sure, a kick in the ass at an appropriate moment is a grand gift to give but a kick in the ass to someone not already moving will result in them falling flat on their face and then they'll blame you for their fall. That I can't wrap my mind about this is why I have nightmares. Fear is such an ugly demon. Fear of success, fear of that success leaving. Fear of not being helped, fear that once helped that the help will come at too steep a price, fear that the help will leave.
Right on the money. I was going to post a topic CHL, but you have covered it. And much better at the wording I might add! Mine was going to say something like, "This life sucks.....don't let anyone say different!" It sucks and I want off this planet.
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coolhandluke
"This life sucks.....don't let anyone say different!" It sucks and I want off this planet.
No fate but what we make Decki. Some days it does suck. There was this brother in spanish hall that said something profound in a prayer at his son's wedding reception. Basically he said, "Thank you Jehovah for this bright moment. The drudgery of this world means that these moments are rare. Help us to treasure it and give us the strength to get form this bright spot through the muck to the next one".
The belief in Jehovah is gone but the sentiment can now be applied inside. I'm going to gird myself so that I can be ready for the shit that is going to inevitably happen after this good moment but I'm not going to let my expectation of said shit to impair my enjoyment of the present. That is about the best we can do.