Hi, just here to share my life with others.
I was born into the cult, raised within the cottonballs all around, as a little 4 year old with nothing but angels and God in mind and how beautiful everything He has created is. I was the sixth kid, fourth that lived. Two of my brothers that were before me, were miscarried due to my mothers incapability to carry on a pregnancy, yet they still tried for another one. As by this time my mother started to show significant signs of mental illness, depression, fits, etc. Only because she wanted to give my father a daughter. I was dead for some time in woumb, very close to being miscarried, I had stopped growing all together, and for a miracle that was given, they got a medicine from Sweden the last minute, that saved me and gave me a second chance in life. I was always fascinated with Heaven and the angels, Father, more so than Jesus, to be honest. I was a happy hyperactive growing little one, knowing none of the harms in the world. Forgetting everything inside the family walls. Loved to listen to the stories of the old and wise, had much trouble with the disturbed seeming elder in the second of the congregations we moved to. I never got to know what his dilemma was. All I remember I didn't like him, and that he seems to me to have been somehow disturbed. This comes from a child, who noticed something being heavily wrong with my youngest older brother, (third in order, then me), as it came to my knowledge later he started drinking at the age I noticed something being wrong with him. He is the second of my brothers who are alcoholics. He was 12 years old, I was 5. By the same age, I was already spending a lot of time on my own, playing alone, neglected I assume. Which later grew into seeking love and attention from both my parents. I was the spoiled one out of the flock. The God given daughter, who only would grow up to be a young man and disowned by my father should I pursue medical corrections, For he has a daughter not another son, and my father is an elder. This was at age 19, after I had analyzed my situation, first, to the point I felt confident in seeking an answer from a helpful openminded nurse for my question. Until talking to her, I had no knowledge of such condition or any labels to it, or how it could actually be possible, but everything how I rationalized it, was confirmed to be true.
By the age 15 - 16, I started feeling a nagging disturbance coming from my childhood, telling me that something very bad had happened to me as a little kid. This was further more flamed by my new female forms and my father corresponding blatant stares in mid air, after coming to my room informing me of dinner or such, and not saying a word but just standing there looking down at my breasts, or busting in after I went to my room straight from the shower, giving me no time to dry up nor dress up, without knocking at the door, and stopping midsentence, expecting me to follow straight out to whatever he asked for, and me needing to point it out to him that "I need to get dressed FIRST". Along with this, came shady memories, from the ages 5-7, that suggest something more than just mere looking. Around this time, I started to visibly avoid him and being close to him, or letting him even so much as brush me by. Soon after this, I overheard my father and my mother discussing me, saying things like "She must remember what happened", "She would not act like this otherwise.". I had been getting troublesome for some time right after my baptism, at age 14, and by 18, I had started skipping meetings to the point, my parents figured that I was going to HEAR it whether I wanted to or not. And they cornered me in my room, after them coming home from the bookstudy, and they wouldn't let me out of the room, until they had read through the chapters. While I was jumping on my bed, turning the music as loud as I could, til my father unplugged the thing, I was trying to knock over my bookshelf at the end of my bed, trying to get past them, trying to hit my mother, but deciding not to, since my father had his arm raised up in anticipation and there's no doubt in my mind he would have hit me had I hit her (they probably were thinking I had been possessed by Satan himself). Needless to say, the next thursday, they left for the meeting, I had arranged my friends mother to come pick me and my stuff up, for me to stay at their place over night, and the next day drop me off at the campus where I got myself a room. I went back for the following summer, in "agreement, to stay; I would go to the meetings" Which I never followed up to, and since I went back to school and the campus, I haven't lived back home, I got disfellowshipped at age 19, for smoking.
On a further note, on still trying to see my options, about my transsexuality and how the society sees it and requires of a transsexual, or someone "worldly" who had transitioned, how they would be viewed in "Gods eyes". I prayed to GOD, and my mother woke up that night with a brillilant IDEA. An overseer was coming to town, and she proposed to me to have a session with him, and so we agreed to. Probably on the second or third time, I asked him what is the BIBLE point of view regarding my situation. And he came to the conclusion, with a sad face, that there is no straight guidelines. He later did look up other cases from around the world, both for and against transitioning. But by that time he had answered my requiries of how I would be expected to present myself, or someone from outside coming into the cult. His answer was, they would be expected to dress as their biological gender was. Which means, even after transitioning, I would have had to dress like a freaking girl. I had prayed to God, and I had gotten my answer, and my mind was made up right then and there, and ever since then, I just waited for them to catch up and hurry up with the final meeting for the disfellowshipping, which I attended to, wearing heavy black makeup, black clothes, red cross around my neck, with bloodred nails, while having a clear attitude that I did not want to stay in the cult any longer and so I was kicked out of my dying past life.
After this, my dragged out life continued being the miserable it, it was. I was finally getting therapy, foremost for my transsexuality. Yet, to this day, I have not spoken about anything regarding the religious cult I was raised to be dead in. Now I am visiting the USA, staying with my partner in FL, but as my future holds. The JW's don't quite quit it. Half a year ago, my brother started to keep in touch with me, and I was stupid enough to hope that there was some sort of love left, and he offered to help me clear up some financial messes I had, he ended up having control over my income of the time, I had my plane tickets paid for by my partner and as fate has it, my last straw for some sort of income for the time being, without going into greater detail, was prolonged to the point, I had to hand it over to my brother for my flight was the next day. Yesterday I read my email, and he tells me, I am not getting money for the next two months, until I get back into the country, and that he has ran his mouth to certain parties, by government, who are only waiting for me to come back, so they have me signed up for completely controlled situation, regarding my incomes, and my new apartment, (he got rid of the one I was in before I left), the new one is 15 minutes away from where my brother his family and our parents live.
My partner is boiling wishing my dearest brother, vanished, who had the nerve to sign his little email "With Love Your Brother..." which is the first time I have ever heard or seen him say that to me. I think sarcasm, no? We have an appointment for a lawer today, in three hours to see my options for immigration and an escape of the last death awaiting for me. If I end up having to go back, and stay there, in the harrassment of my so called family, I'll be done for. My mental state goes down hill so fast, my mind stops working, and it slurrs up, I get extremely disorientated and disconnected and exhausted just by being in their presence. Which I had a taste of, last July with my brother, I couldn't even answer his questions straight without sounding as if I was drugged up. My head didn't start clearing up until a year ago and I'm slowly getting better mentally, as well as physically. I just hope and pray to God and upon my guardian angels and guides of life that we will find a way, or that my religious cult background and what is awaiting for me is enough for an asylym case so that I will not have to go back into the hell.
Thank you so much for reading all of my babble, and I hope it makes sense and isn't confusing to read.
Joseph