Shortly after I received my Associates Degree, I quit pioneering. I told the body of elders is was because my mother had fallen on some hard times, and I needed to get a full-time job to support the family. They asked me if it was because I felt bad for not having gas money. I said no, but that was a lie. Every day I'd go out in service, the older pioneer couple would bitch and complain about people that didn't donate for gas. They would say how those people don't appreciate what it takes to chauffeur people around every day. They even complained about people when they only donated $1, because that wasn't enough. Ever since my seasonal job ended, I just didn't have the money to donate for gas. I was tired of being indirectly reminded of what a horrible person I was for not donating.
The day I came home and realized that I would have had a better day had I not gone out in service, I realized that I couldn't continue pioneering. My mother always told me that if I don't feel like going to the meetings or service, I should make myself go, because I'll always be glad I went. It just wasn't true for me. Sometimes it was, but there was nothing like the feeling of staying in instead of going to the meeting.
I got my first full-time job a few months after I stopped pioneering. I worked there for three years, but I got laid off multiple times. The second time, I started looking for another job and I got one, across the state. Within a month I had moved to a nice suburb of Detroit. The congregation there was really nice, but I didn't make a connection with anyone. Instead, I started hanging out with a person from work. I got into a table-top game called Warhammer 40,000. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but I eventually got used to it. More people from work invited me to do stuff, but I resisted. I wasn't going to go to the bar, that much was sure.
I never settled into the new congregation, and missed a lot of meetings. I only went in service a total of 2 or 3 times the year I was there. I was still a Jehovah's Witness at heart, but wrestled with depression and the guilt over missing meetings. There was also a lot of pressure at work that I wasn't used to. A friend I had in the northern part of the state had me convinced my job and the hustle-and-bustle of the city was causing my depression, and he invited me to live with him, share expenses, work part time, and serve Jehovah. I jumped at the chance, and put in my notice two months early. My last day of work, I saw Alien vs. Predator in the theater with three guys from work and my brother. It was a good time. I felt relieved at the same time because I'd no longer be put in a situation where I'd have to decline a social occasion with them on religious grounds.
I lived for a year in Traverse City with my friend. It was good at first, but the pressure to find a job was intense, and there were no jobs to be had up there. I wanted a simple, part-time job that allowed me to insure and gas my car, and pay my share of the lot rent at the trailer park. Because of my technical background, it was hard to find a job with that kind of security. At the first few jobs I had, the hours got cut back drastically, completely negating the point of having a job in the first place. I finally found steady employment, but my dealings with my roommate soured, and I eventually moved back home with my parents. I started going to the congregation in which I grew up, with limited success. One fateful night alone at book study, it all fell apart for me.
We were studying the book "Pay Attention to Daniel's Prophecy!" The week's lesson was on the king of the north and king of the south prophecy. The book explained that there were more than one king of the north and king of the south, and proceeded to list them all throughout history. My thoughts began to race, trying desperately to find the logic, but I couldn't. This elaborate interpretation was nothing more than wishful thinking, I realized. If Daniel meant that there were multiple Kings of the north and south, wouldn't he have just said so? It hit me hard, and it hit me fast, "The society is making this shit up!"
Months later, I started looking more into different explanations of the Bible, then of criticisms of the Bible itself. I learned things I never knew before, and I realized something else: it was forbidden for me to research this. I started to disagree with the fundamentals of how the society itself operated, practicing information control and demonizing all thought that doesn't originate with the organization.
I talked to my mom about it. "Brian, you're just depressed," she said. I resent my mother to this day for that. She's never taken me seriously. If I disagree with her, it's a problem with me. I tried to bring up some objections, only to be met with "that's apostate thinking! Besides, who cares if the society isn't right about that little thing?" I care, but I also realize that she is too far gone to "get it." I eventually decided to fade, since my brother who is a witness lives with me and making a break is just not possible. Eventually, I plan to move from the city and complete my fade. I'm just going to start living as a regular person. I'm not interested in turning other people away from the religion. I just don't agree with it, plain and simple.