I look back on all my posts here sometimes (ok not literally - I'm too verbose to look at all of them) and can't believe where I am today. Not that I am sitting on top of the world as the most successful person - but the small victories I have achieved over the past few years really did seem impossible to my pessimistic and damaged little mind when I first started posting here.
When I look back I have a lot of anger in my first posts - and man oh man what a rocky relationship with my parents. In particular with my mother. The condensed version of my story for newbies is I was still living at home when I first came here. I was already not attending meetings, but attending college. My mom and I have always had a troubled relationship. She used to tell me we didn't get along because we were so much alike. At the time all I saw was her being jealous, controlling, and depressed all at the same time. I saw nothing of myself in her and was highly offended.
Fast forward through a few years - me striking out on my own after college, many tears, much growth (on both our parts), letting go of some bitterness and anger (again on both our parts), and finally coming to some mutual respect between us. If I could go back to that person I was when I was first posting here and say, "You know what - someday you are going to appreciate your mother, and actually enjoy spending time with her." I would have burst out laughing. Impossible!
But I do like spending time with my parents. Sure she still knows how to push my buttons - but I am pretty confident I push hers too. However, we choose not to anymore. Maybe we both finally wised up that our goading and spitting was only making ourselves miserable. Or maybe I was finally able to own up to the fact that, like it or not, I am actually a lot like my mom. For good or for bad we are cut from the same flawed fabric. I see her pain and frustration and can now read it into some of the things she said and did to me. While it still stings I have a better understanding now of what motivated her to behave the way she did.
And I forgive her.
Sometimes it frightens me to think that I only have a handful of years left with them. And what a shame that it takes us until adulthood to appreciate our parents as adults -- and not just as parental figures. And yet I feel lucky as hell that I have come to this place of peace with both of them so that I do get to enjoy them for who they are.
My washer and dryer in my rental unit are horrible. I'm still the child at 28 who drags her laundry home to wash it. At home I get free laundry in a machine that won't eat my shirts and will actually dry my comforter - but I also like the excuse to just sit with my parents and chat. Last weekend I took my stuff home to wash. I started my laundry but under estimated the time I'd need to finish, and had plans so I had to leave, but said I would come back in the morning to finish it up. When I called my mom to tell her I was on my way back - she said, "Ok - I just threw the last load in the dryer for you."
"Oh - well thank you -- I didn't expect you to finish it for me."
"Well your father and I are just sitting here so we might as well roll some socks. We're old and bored easily and we love you."
I mistake her comment for a joke. Or do I? It's probably more my nervous off-handed laughter that I use to avoid the issues at hand, like my mother who I've always had a hard time hearing affectionate phrases from, is bubbling out to cover for me.
But I laugh and say in a jokey way to cover myself "Oh yeah - I feel the love."
And deadly seriously she replies with "Good, that's all I've ever wanted."
One sentence. Just one. And it trips me up, chokes me up, and floods me with emotion I don't know quite how to deal with in the span of the two seconds I have in order to form a decent reply, so I simply say, "I do feel loved."
And it's the truth.
Sometimes she really surprises me. With one sentence the dynamic of our current relationship completely changes.
And I believe her.
All the years of hurt and anger – for a brief moment they're stripped away. With one sentence it’s like my very soul melts. For us – one sentence will be enough. It has to be because we’ll never have the perfect mother-daughter relationship where we pour our hearts out to each other. But we will have this. And while one load of laundry and folded shirts can't take away everything we've done to each other over the years, to hear it acknowledged at such an unexpected time touches me deeper and on a level I never thought possible. It's more than just the act, and it's more than just one sentence, but the impact on me is heavy.
I don't really know why I felt compelled to share this here. Maybe just more for myself. The log of my relationship with her that I have posted here would not be complete without this addition. And just maybe I can offer hope to someone who is just leaving and fears never having a relationship with their family again. Or offer a small glimmer to someone who has a strained relationship with someone that it can change. In the magic of time I don't know where or how my relationship changed with my mother - but it has.
And it feels good.