Dinah,
My experience was very much like yours, except faster. Unlike you, I was not JW during my formative years. (I was about 11 when I first studied.) I too went through an intense period of Bible study. That was followed by fellowship in a church that had a message of Grace and acceptance - what every df''d JW needs after a year of obediently accepting ostracization followed by being sent away with a broken heart and crushed spirit after being turned down for re-instatement. After my church experience, I was called to a period of listening and quietness. It has been a period of open-mindedness before the Lord. Now, He is suddenly calling me to minister to those suffering spiritual grief. (I told Him I wasn't ready to do it; I just don't have all the answers worked out yet, but He didn't listen.) The one thing that I am absolutely convinced of as I emerge from this phase of quietness, is that there is a WHOLE LOT that I do NOT know! And I'm OK with that. I guess that is what being comfortable in your own skin is all about.
It's not that I don't have many spiritual questions. It's that I no longer require another human being to give me the answer. Although I'd love to knock a few of them around so as to listen to others insights. Going from knowing all the answers - or at least thinking I knew where to find them; to shrugging my shoulders, and saying, "only God knows," feels unsettling at times. There was a time that I could not have accepted that. I needed an answer, and I needed to know that it was the RIGHT answer.
Wow - an epiphany! ................... I was raised by a mother whom I feared, and was never too sure how to please. I constantly wondered, "should I do this - or should I do that, often times finding out neither option was acceptable. That lead me to NEED to KNOW what God wanted of me. But by the same token, I also developed a keen mind for questioning and reasoning - it was a matter of daily survival for me. Ultimately that is exactly what allowed me to make a decision in my life with a clear conscience - for which I knew I would likely by disfellowshipped. But being rejected, rather than welcomed back into Jehovah God's one and ONLY true church - well that sent me on a dizzying search for answers. But, as Jesus said, "ask and you will recieve." During the scriptural study phase, there were times that Holy Spirit literally lead my hand to the book, chapter, and verse that would give me an answer. Some of these verses I had never read before, so it was not just my subconscience directing my hand. Also there were times that I heard His answer in my ear. Such as when I asked, "Don't you hate________ (a behavior)?" to which He softly answered, "I do." At which my anquish melted, to be replaced by gentle comfort.
I would be more comfortable if I could explain why I believe in both a Creator, and in what I believe is undeniable: The evolution of life on this planet. Why I believe that the account of Adam and Eve is more metaphore than reality, but I also accept that Jesus' death had a significance tantamount to purchasing us from the "sin of Adam." (Please, no one respond to these wonderings under this heading. If any one wants to discuss, let's go under a separate heading.) But everything in my being says that both are true. And somehow they fit together, like hand in glove - not hand against hand. It is just that at this time, I can't reasonably explain it. I just believe it to be true. And I'm OK with that.
Malinda
