I have been lurking here for awhile- I think I first came to this board 8 years ago, a couple of years after I'd walked away from the JWs. I have found that even after all this time there are still things that come up for me, particularly about feeling 'safe' in the world, feeling ok.
I'm moving back to the forest in a few weeks, due to my disinclination to be around large groups of people and the reactions I have to the toxicity of civilisation. I have no spirituality left to speak of, having been a very spiritual and gifted child. I am hoping that my return to the rainforests will help heal this gap in me, so that I can connect to the natural world on a deep level again.
I have adult children who have never managed to recover from their time in the Borg, but fortunately I have children who also don't remember their brief time there. I am getting married again in June to a man who supports my recovery on every level, and who is also the best deprogrammer I've ever known, so my healing moves in its own cycles and spirals. My 13 years of panic attacks, nightmares, daymares, dissociation, PTSD and personality disorder have eased into a flow of close family and little outside interaction (by choice: both my partner and I are classed as highly gifted and we don't really fit in with society anyway, which makes my disinclination to be around people much easier). The Borg got me as a result of my highly traumatic and abused childhood: I have spent three decades recovering first from physical and psychological/emotional violence and then spiritual/emotional/psychological violence and abuse. I have zero- and I do mean zero- empathy and tolerance for abusers. I am no longer a pacifist, thanks to a writer named Derrick Jensen and his marvellous books, and have learned to physically and mentally defend myself against abusers of any kind.
I no longer really consider that there is an answer for everything in the universe: if a creator does exist, it's not interested in interacting with humans at this point. Maybe it figures that if people can't figure out 'stop doing evil sh*t to each other and stop destroying the planet', then they're kind of a failed experiment anyway. I don't really go looking for those kinds of conversations anymore: I'm more interested in learning how to grow food, and hanging out with my partner in the natural world, learning to shoot an arrow and actually hit what I'm aiming at, building our own earth house, wandering with the family down to the creek and spending the day watching the world just be. We're having our first child together sometime in August/September. It's my ninth (seventh living, I lost twin girls) and his first. He is the greatest gift that I have ever had in my life and I had to wait a long time for it: he's 18 years younger than me and totally immune to social programming. In him, I catch glimpses of who I used to be and am finding my way back to myself as a result.
I'm a person who lives with pointed ears and fangs, even if they're only obvious to some. :)
I'm passionate about my children and my partner, about the planet. I don't think the coming crash of civilisation has anything whatsoever to do with a homicidal, genocidal god that has an inferiority complex and a thirst for blood: I think it has everything to do with an insane group of people who thinks that they can violate the planet and each other without consequence.
For some reason, I've found myself cycling through the old JW abuse again, which is what prompted me to come looking for information and to connect with people who get what it's like to recover from a cult. I have found great strength today in going over the information on some other boards (mainly beyondjw) and this board has also been awesome. I just felt the need to connect somehow with people who understand that sometimes, the nightmares of being found 'unworthy' and watching your family be taken to safety while you stand outside the gates, watching and waving until the gates shut and sight of the ones you love is completely gone, sometimes these nightmares hit out at you decades later. At least last night I fought back and made the elder attacking me sick with the information I was throwing at him, so they all left and my family were around me, hugging me. I'm no longer afraid of or get toxic reactions to JWs, which is very different from when I originally walked away.
Thankyou for this board and the information, for your bravery in leaving, your determination to be free. Hopefully this will format properly, haven't quite worked it out. foosticks.
