"Real Friends" - the Greatest Watchto...

by metatron 15 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  metatron

  My daughter taught me an important lesson a couple
  years ago. I warned her that she was headed for being
  df'd. I warned her that none of her friends in the hall
  would ever speak to her again. She replied:

  "Well then, they're not my real friends anyway, are they?"

  I now realize how right she was.

  Now, I can't sit here typing away and say that my pain
  is so much greater than yours - I can't really know
  or feel the pain you feel finding out that that you've
  wasted years of life invested in "friendships" with
  Witnesses - only to be cast off completely by ignorant,
  corrupt, polyester suited sociopaths who command the
  blind obedience of empty headed thralls.

  I can't know your pain - but I can share some of my
  own. In my case, it involved finding out that my
  stepdaughter was molested, that the congregation widely
  knew about it (nobody told us), that elders lied about
  it and covered it up.

  I guess I just can't stomach the smiling faces of people
  I thought were my friends - for decades. They shun my
  daughter and go about their business as if nothing
  happened, as if nothing was ever wrong - what is he
  upset about???

  If you are reading this - and have any thought of
  becoming or remaining as a JW, please consider:

  These people are not your real friends. They'll
  dump you in a nanosecond if you get df'd. They'll
  cooperate with any lie or coverup the organization
  wants. And jealousy?? Don't ever try to accomplish
  anything extraordinary in any field of human endeavor,
  they'll only secretly hate you for it - and that includes anything
  you try to do as an elder.

  You think I'm just being cynical? or bitter? Live
  and learn the hard way then. People DON'T come first
  in this organization, CONTROL DOES! With that kind
  of quality as top priority, you don't have to be a
  genius to figure out where you really stand.

  Frankly, it would make an interesting thread: "Do
  Witnesses actually know what friendship is?" I say
  the longer they stay Witnesses the more alien
  real friendship becomes.

  metatron
• 

  outnfree

  metatron,

  I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdaughter.

  I had learned long ago from worldly work experience the difference between pleasant acquaintances with whom one associates because of common logistics or interests and true friends. I knew that most in the Hall wouldn't qualify as friends.

  There is no one from my Canadian KH who turned into a true friend during the 7 years I associated there. Not even my Bible study conductor who was a very careful pioneer sister/elder's wife.

  In the 7 years in the last KH I attended only 2 sisters became real, dear friends.

  When one of the two was DF'd, the other sister and I participated in the shunning, until we learned she had serious health problems. When we went to the elders for assistance on what to do (as Christians and friends we wanted to help her and her children but the Society said, no, of course -- she wasn't even a relative) their answer was so cold and unfeeling that we left the Hall crying in frustration.

  We determined to help as we could through the children, but that just stuck in my craw. My sister friend and I had numerous discussions about how JESUS would have treated this case (versus the Society line). In the end, I decided to contact the ill sister, and our other friend simply could not bring herself to join me. (But she didn't report me, either, when I gave her updates.)

  The elders' unloving attitude and the WRONGNESS of how it all felt, was my final straw. Then I did even more research on the internet and shared some of what I found with both of my friends.

  The ill sister was dismayed, but her burden of guilt for not being able to keep up with the supposedly clean organization dissipated with the knowledge that the organization was NOT clean nor God's.
  She never wants to return.

  Our other friend had the typical "I do NOT want any doubts" reaction and finally she DID report me to the elders. This hastened my exit, resulting in my DA'ing myself rather than doing a fade. This sister cried about my decision, gave me parting gifts, wrote me a good-bye love letter, and allowed me to speak my piece pretty much with her just before my DA announcement was made. But still I lost her. She chose the Society (which equals Jehovah God himself in her eyes) over me.

  Two true friends in 14 years of association. One out of two left.

  And this for a person such as myself who carefully made the distinction between friend and acquaintance even among the "Friends".

  For those of you still in the organization suffering under the delusion that all the Witnesses you have socialized with over the years are actually your buddies, heed Metatron's warning. They are not. Never have been.

  Why do I say that? Ask yourself which of them you would risk YOUR congregational standing for by keeping in private contact with them if they were to be disfellowshipped? Has the number decreased considerably?

  Now ask yourself which of them you would risk YOUR congregational standing for by keeping in contact with these disfellowshipped ones, not really trying to hide such contact (although, obviously, not flaunting said contact)? Has the number decreased further?

  Now ask yourself which of them you would risk YOUR congregational standing for by walking down Main Street together, or being seen talking with them after the meetings, or inviting them to your home? The answer to this question just might be your real JW friend(s). Or relatives.

  A shared history -- even a long, long one -- does NOT a real friend make.

  And even real friendships based on genuine love and shared values and interests often do not stand up to the pressure to bow to the Borg's control.

  Sadly,

  outnfree

  Par dessus toutes choses, soyez bons. La bonte est ce qui ressemble le plus a Dieu et ce qui desarme le plus les hommes -- Lacordaire
• 

  metatron

  You are so articulate.

  A shared history does not a real friend make
  really sums it up well.

  metatron
• 

  ItsJustMe

  That is one huge cause of sorrow - most JWs in their late teens and 20s who have been raised in the organization do not have any of their childhood friends left. It is a lonely feeling to have no one to share memories with.
• 

  patio34

  Hi Metatron and OutnFree,

  Your posts were very meaningful. Metatron, I'm so sorry for the duplicity that was dealt to you for so long. That is really over the top.

  OutnFree, your story really resonated in me. For years, I wondered what on earth was wrong with me as I had had only 1-2 real friends I felt very comfortable with. Despite aux. pioneering all the time.

  Now I feel better suspecting the truth that very few have more than casual, conditional friendships.

  I also was troubled by people I didn't really like, but felt guilty because of forced love.

  It's painful, but liberating to be able to sort all this out.

  Thanks for sharing your personal stories. It helps all of us.

  Warmly,
  Pat
• 

  NameWithheld

  I agree entirely. "fairweather" freinds at best is how I would describe all the JWs I was freinds with over the years. And not only will they shun you if you are DF'ed, but any perceived infraction upon the 'rules' will result in you becoming a social pariah. Not to mention the constant struggle not to 'stumble' or 'offend' people. I've never known a more offendable group of people in my life. It felt like life was a pinball machine of running about making amends all the time for comments that were made, etc.

  The past means nothing to the average JW - it's always 'what have you done today'? And they are quite willing to never speak or look at you again at the word of 3 men.
• 

  Pierced Angel

  These accounts are so helpful, thank you.

  Every now and then, when I start having doubts about leaving the trooth, I come here and read what some of you have to say and posts like these just bring back memories and feelings that obviously are not as rare as I once believed.
  It just reinforces that it wasn't just "me" and that it was hard to make "real" friends at the hall. I always felt like I had to be on guard about what I said or did around a lot of the other witnesses and with real friends, you don't have to.

  Yet, we're told not to let people stumble us or the lack of love affect our dedication to Jehovah. They have to constantly remind through talks that we are the happiest people on Earth and that we are recognized by our love for each other. I'm not formally disfellowshipped yet, but I know it's coming soon. One thing that touched me and hurt me today was when I took my son to school. As I passed two witness children in the hallway, they waved and smiled at me and I know that they will soon have confused feelings about me. I used to have parties and fun times for the kids all the time and they will be told that I'm an apostate. I remember how I felt about "apostates" when I was a kid. It made me feel so sad for them. I hope they remember how much I tried to make their lives a little more enjoyable. It didn't hit me until today how much their impression of me meant.
• 

  Dino

  Hi Metatron and right on. Outnfree is right on as well. Having served as an elder for twenty plus years and giving my life to that org,I realized that very thing too. After all those years of nose to the grindstone service I could not count one true friend. However because of my elder training (caring/empathetic nature), and gregarious personality I noticed that several "worldly" people gravitated to me and became my staunchest friends. To this day they would drop everything and do anything for me. Upon my exit from the org I remarked on this state of affairs to my psychiatrist that I was seeing for counseling. As I was the first JW she had ever assisted, she was amazed at my dearth of true JW friends, ones who would accept me no matter what doubts I had, or no matter what I had done. She remarked that the org was an Orwellian system at best. Thanks again Metatron, Dino
• 

  NameWithheld

  "I also was troubled by people I didn't really like, but felt guilty because of forced love."

  Yea, that was one that I always hated too - being forced to associate/socialize with people you have NOTHING in common with, or were beyond highly anoying. It's so nice to have the freedom to associate with who you WISH to, not who you are 'supposed' to because they're pioneers/whatever. I swear the main reason many misfits pioneered was simply to be sure they were included in activities - had to have the pioneers there!
• 

  Haereticus

  metatron

  It seems very obvious that one person can not have unlimited number of Friends (with majuscule F). So it is a total fallacy to universally describe bible-pushers of any sort as friends if the congregation consist of more than two.

  But the catch word for me was your nanosecond - as short it may be the society still have hope to speed the process up. There is still pico-, femto- and attosecond to be utilised.

  "Proper preparation & planning prevents piss poor performance." - Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet