I was not prepared for the other side

dazednotconfused

Friends:

Long time lurker, very occasional poster. I have done the fade thing for 4 years now, and have not attended a meeting in over 2 years. I had a group of nice friends in "
the truth" all of whom have since forgotten that I exist. My parents are in their 80's and zealous as the day is long. My brother in-law is an elder...You get the idea - I am surrounded with nowhere to escape their "loving wrath". My dear mom is now in a desperate race to save me before the wonderful day arrives (is it tomorrow really?).

Bottom line - I was not prepared for life on the other side. I feel like I live in another dimension, like there is a vacuum of space between me and everyone else. I know I am depressed, riddled with guilt and anger. Why can't I just be accepted for who I am? Why can I not disagree with some of the teachings without reprisal?

I reach out to those ones who are fading, reminding them that if you are not prepared, life on the other side of the ORG is a lonely place. I used to be an outgoing, happy person. Now I am a hiding soul, locked up, without answers. I have thought of returning, and "faking" it, doing the bare minimum.... I cannot - the last time I was at the hall it gave me a stomach ache, I was done, walked out at the halfway song, and have never gone back.

I know I need to find a pair of bollocks and get on with a new life, but its tough. I am psychologically scarred. This healing will take time. Family is a lost cause, I am the black sheep. God I wish they would stop shoving the tower and awake in my face - been there, done that.

Thanks for listening. Putting this in writing is somewhat therapeutic. Where do I go from here? I'm not sure.

StAnn

Dear DNC,

I know exactly how you feel. I tried to go it alone for awhile but just couldn't make any real progress. I was in a no-man's-land for years. I didn't fit in with the JWs anymore but I sure didn't fit in with the world. Non-JWs think differently! You can't just flip a switch and become "worldly." For myself, I finally went into psychotherapy for five years. It was a great help. Also, after many years of hating all religion, I decided to "try" christianity so that I could learn all the things that other people knew and took for granted. I wanted to be able to be part of the collective culture and, without that training, I just didn't "get" so many cultural references. I needed church to help deprogram the crazy JW beliefs I still had that I didn't know I still had.

I remember once right after leaving the JWs that we were going to get Good Friday off work with pay as a holiday. I turned to my co-workers and asked, what really is Good Friday? What's Good about it? They just about flipped out at my ignorance.

JWs have their own language and you really can't even communicate effectively with the outside world until you learn the world's language.

It's taken many years but now I'm happy in a marriage to a man who knows nothing about JWs and I'm happy in my church. It took trying out a few denominations. I still have occasional bouts of depression over the whole experience of "growing up 'Hovie" but am usually okay. However, my husband says the only times I seem wounded and scarred are when I talk about my experiences as a JW.

So, for me, what helped was this: I moved away so that I could start over with people who didn't know me and weren't JWs. I entered psychotherapy. I went to college. I became a christian. I made new friends. In a sense, I started life over again as an adult. Sometimes I feel like I'm 25 years behind in maturity where I should be for my age because I was so stunted as a JW. But, hey, if I were still a JW, I'd be even further behind! I don't think you'll ever get over your experiences, necessarily, but you can learn to have a good life. However, I know that every day I carry around a low level of sorrow over the loss of so many years of my life and the loss of family. I think that's just part of getting older. Everyone carries around something.

Good luck. You can come out a winner on this side. Find your purpose and live your life by your values now.

yumbby

I really feel for you. I seemed to feel exactly how you were describing when I first left because its not like you flip a switch and become a different person overnight. It helped me to start finding new interests. Classes, friends, new past times. I didn't force myself to do "worldy" things, I just took it slow and listened to my own heart.

Good luck, and be true to yourself !

AlyMC

It isn't something I talk about often, but I started therapy with someone who had some focus in religion and cult topics right as I was leaving. It was one of the first things I did "outside" and while I am mentally conflicted over the whole therapy concept- it really really was wonderful for me. A key to breaking into the outside world. I went for about a year and have felt pretty well adapted since- with "those moment" just sprinkled in.

Good luck in your process and path, it really IS worth walking.

shamus100

What Alymc said - therapy.

Talking with a human face can sometimes make all the difference in the world. Ex JW's have one of the highest incidences of needing therapy after leaving the high-control group.

I really do feel for you right now - been there, done that.

Take care.

parakeet

Maybe this will help. When I left the JWs a long, long time ago, my mother did the magazine shoving, too. And I too felt the shock of having my beliefs kicked out from under me. I felt like I was drifting nowhere in particular. It's sometimes a very unpleasant feeling. The good news is that it will fade in time.

When my mom first tried to "reason" with me to get me back in, I told her I was now an atheist (which is true, by the way). That took the Bible out of the debate (because I believed it written by men and not inspired by a fictional God), and the WT only occasionally deals with the issue of atheism.

When she asked me if I believed in evolution, I said I didn't know yet -- it was only a theory and I had to give it some more thought. Then she demanded to know how I accounted for the existence of the earth. I told her I wasn't there when it happened, so I didn't have a clue, and moreover, it wasn't a subject of interest for me anymore. The fact that the earth and everything in it is already here was enough for me. This speech stopped her cold. JWs are programmed to respond to people who have an opinion about evolution vs. creation (and most do). When I said I didn't have an opinion nor did I care about the subject, she literally sputtered for a few seconds, and the conversation was over. It was the last serious conversation we had about "beliefs."

Might be worth a try. Good luck.

sass_my_frass

Hi mate. It does take time, but not 'forever', and not even 'ages'. What might be going wrong is that you're not being proactive enough - it takes time PLUS EFFORT. Bit of a mystery as to what kind of effort, but here's what I suggest: make a list of a thousand things that you want to do with your life. Do a hundred of them this year. Get out of your bubble and into new things that force you into situations in which you have to grow; socially, emotionally, intellectually.... If you don't do this you will feel like you are stagnating and start wondering why you wanted a new life. It's not working at the moment because you haven't started living it yet.

DazedAndConfused

<=== <==== notice our names....so similar?

I can empathise with you on so many levels. Keep hanging in there, your time will come.....I promise.

Keep watching and posting, great therapy.

DazedAndConfused

StAnn....for shame. I am called DNC. LOL

JK666

dnc,

My little grasshopper, none of us are prepared for the "other side." You will be fine, I promise! Life is better in freedom.

JK

I was not prepared for the other side

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