Billy; you forgot one crucial line of reasoning. I'll try to lay it out in Gubberning Body duckspeak language.
While it is important to note that shaving originated from pagan customs, it is more important to note the Bible's viewpoint. Leviticus 19:27 says that we MUST NOT shave our beards. True chris-chumps today are free from the mosaic law. However, this scripture clearly shows that Joe Hobo views beards as essential. Though the mosiac law does not exactly apply to us, the spirit, or principle, of the law still does. Therefore, it is clear that any true chris-chump who wished to have a close relationship with his heavenly creator would avoid shaving his beard.
Look like something they might print?
Here's screenshots of the article, btw: