Breaking point

by Journeys edge 37 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  SPAZnik

  ((((Journey's edge))))

  So glad you confided in us! That takes courage. Sounds like it's been a long haul.

  You owe it to yourself, your spouse and your kids to find and access some professional counselling support for yourself, for starters.

  Please do so

  and keep coming back here and letting us know how things are going for you.

  Please be assured nothing is "all your fault" (or all his fault either).

  Don't play the blame game and what if's will forever be time wasted worrying about future events that haven't happened.

  The only power you have over the future "what ifs" is in the present moment.

  Go right now and find some professional counselling support.

  Have your doctor refer you to someone if need be.

  S.
• 

  Journeys edge

  It really has helped to talk on here. To answer a few points… yes I too have depression but try to stay positive and focused. I see myself as an optimist and a fighter. That helps me to see the signs in my husband but rather than being able to offer support, he says I am analyzing him and looking for problems that are not there. Sometimes I question myself as to whether that is true but it is not.

  I have had psychiatric support but medication has not helped and counselling/therapy is not possible as I live too far away from the clinic for regular sessions as I have no transport. This time my own depression is too great to bear and I know it is induced by his moods and the fact that I am always wrong. To him depression is a weakness which is why he won’t admit his own and why I am alone with mine.

  I think I know that I need to end this unhealthy relationship but I do not know whether I am strong enough to hurt him and the kids. I don’t think I love him anymore but I do care about him.

  How do you find the strength to do something like this?
• 

  quietlyleaving

  How do you find the strength to do something like this?

  journey's edge - It sounds like you are in a very vulnerable situation yourself. Your post seems to suggest that you are very trapped.

  Are you able to make some quiet time for yourself - meditation, peaceful walks - something that can make you feel recharged and renewed even if just for a short while?
• 

  Journeys edge

  Are you able to make some quiet time for yourself - meditation, peaceful walks - something that can make you feel recharged and renewed even if just for a short while?

  I used to do that but now I am feeling agoraphobic which happens at my worse times. I get scared to leave the house. I go to work part time and take the kids to school but the rest of the time just want to hide away. I guess talking on here is my only outlet.
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  lesterd

  Why is he not a DUB anymore, living the lie was the cause of his depression, now he has no reason to be depressed, but feels the post traumatic guilt shock of failure in being a good little witnesse, and quess who is now to blame for his failure? You...being in love with someone never really stops, those feelings are hard to deal with and comes down to; is the pain of staying outway the loss of "possible" love from him? How is all this affecting your kids? They are no dumbies, they see and sense things you really dont want them to know about life and relationships.

  Everyone has their own truth and needs to learn it for themselves and be true to themselves, that your first step to freedom, know yourself and what you need and want from life, then go for it.
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  quietlyleaving

  I used to do that but now I am feeling agoraphobic which happens at my worse times. I get scared to leave the house. I go to work part time and take the kids to school but the rest of the time just want to hide away. I guess talking on here is my only outlet.

  this is a good place to come to talk and gather your resources.

  I'm really sorry about your agoraphobic feelings - it is a shame that your counsellor is so far away as it is very important that you see a professional to discuss how you are feeling.
• 

  Emma

  What if I break up a family and take the kids from their dad with no good reason?

  Sounds like you have good reason. He is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Of course he wants you to think it's your fault! Think of those children; do you want them growing up believeing that this is how to have a proper marriage and family life? Do you want your daughters believing that this is how they should be treated? Is this how you want your sons to model how they will treat a wife? I'm not trying to be harsh but to ask the same questions I ws asked.
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  AudeSapere

  Hi Breaking Point. Sorry to hear of your terrors. I do feel for you and think you know that while you are in the right place (JWD) for now, you really do need professional assistance.

  You wrote: I live too far away from the clinic for regular sessions as I have no transport.

  Ask your therapist if you can do a few phone sessions. This could be a decent compromise and still give you the focused care you need.

  I stayed in an unusual relationship for far too long because I was concerned that my leaving would create such load on my emotional abuser that he would end up with a heart attack or stroke. This was unrational thinking because I was actually at a critical breaking point myself.

  Did I really think I was stronger than he was? Yes, I did.

  Did I help him by staying? I don't know but I think not. I left shortly after having a fairly debilitating nervous breakdown. Two years later I was diagnosis with cancer. If stress causes cancer, this was my stressful cause.

  I do know that I was no help to anyone during my emotional and physical illnesses. During my breakdown, the emotional terror continued as he stressed even more because there was noone to help carry the load. He was unprepared to deal with his own crap and now I was just a sorry burden to him on top of the other stuff.

  Did he end up having a heart attack or stroke after my leaving? Yes, he did. But he likely would have had that anyway as both parents had significant health issues and father died very young.

  A wise friend once told me, You can't give what you don't have. If you let yourself get so torn down, you will be good for noone.

  Take care of yourself first. Only then will you have the resources to assist others.

  Your husband needs to learn how to take care of himself, too.

  Just my opinion and a little personal experience.

  -Aude.
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  nelly136

  would you be able to get a session with a solictor/lawyer to see where you stand legally with the house?

  if you have children that are still at school why should you be the one to uproot? if he's being mentally abusive may be he should be the one to leave?
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  RebelWife

  I didn't read all the posts, so sorry if I'm repeating. I just wanted to make a quick comment. He tells me I am controlling (I don’t know why- I have no desire to control any body) he said he is emotional afraid of me -again I don’t know why.

  This is classic. I think anytime someone says stuff like this, they're trying to manipulate you. Why would you feel suicidal if you were controlling him? Someone asked you if you'd read your own post. (Sorry, don't remember who it was.) How would you respond to a friend who wrote something like that to you? I'm so sorry you're in this mess.