What to do with believing granparents? (page 2)

garybuss

I've invited Witnesses to treat me and all my friends and family with respect or stay away. I've had them try to talk to one family member while snubbing another and those Witnesses who were stupid enough to think that'd work were invited to leave.

I allowed my Witness parents access to my sons. That was a huge mistake. My dad studied Witness material with my son and my son joined the Witnesses. Then both my dad and my son shunned me. My second oldest son shuns me to this day. Now he's disabled and could use my help but he won't accept any contact from me.

Allowing Witnesses access to my family has had an extremely bad outcome. I won't make that mistake again. I'd advise anyone who has Witness connections, and a family that they care about, not to allow the Witnesses ANY access to the family at all, especially the children. Why risk it all?

The only people who can hurt me or my family are people I trust. I won't give people I don't trust access to me or my family. I let loyalty to parents, naive trust, and honorable expectations get in the way of pragmatic parenting. My job was to protect my family from harm and I failed because the harm came from my father, whom I trusted.

Now my father's dead but the harm he did is in it's second decade. If I had minor children, I wouldn't let a believing Witness within 100 miles of my children.

Scully

If the grandparents want to be part of your baby's life, then they have to include you too. If they are going to disrespect you by shunning you and excluding you, then they don't get to see the baby.
That is what bugs me... I mean they will sit in a room with me and make small talk but only to see her... aside from the religious differences my parents and I have unresolved issues to deal with that I have tried to approach them with and everytime they just ignore me! how can I let them back into my life when they are unwilling to deal with the past?
At the same time, I won't want to be the reason my child has no relationship with her grandparents... it is a real predicament!

Let's look at this from another perspective. As a parent, you have a duty to protect your daughter from harmful influences. You wouldn't leave her unsupervised near a burning candle, would you? You wouldn't bring her into a toxic environment where she would be exposed to profanity or drug use or violence or sexually explicit behaviour, right? It is your job to protect her from people who are so blatantly disrespectful of you - if you allow the kind of disrespect your parents display toward you in your daughter's presence, those circumstances are teaching her that it is ok to be disrespectful of you. Is that what you really want?

Bottom Line: You will not be the reason why your child has no relationship with her grandparents. The grandparents' toxic behaviour toward you will be the reason why your child cannot be exposed to her grandparents.

avishai

What scully and garybuss said. It will be confusing and damaging to your daughter. Think about it. It's letting people abuse you in front of your child, and what kind of message does that send?

Gopher

My parents only wanted to see their oldest grandchildren (my nephew and niece) in order to leave them literature and try to talk to them about "the truth".

That isn't normal, and my sister & her husband stopped those visits a few years ago. Now they only get to see their grandchildren at funerals. It's strange for kids not to have grandparents, but they are growing up quite nicely without having people who share their DNA believe the main reason for a relationship is to "save" them.

SPAZnik

You have a daughter to raise.

It takes a village.

Don't waste too much energy on any one or two relationships. Particularly complicated ones such as socially inept JWs.

Put more focus and energy on upbuilding and solid relationships in your community.

I guess what I'm suggesting is to diversify.

jwfacts

I have a 3 week old baby, so face the same dilema. My mother flew up to visit him last week.

I have decided that even though it is annoying that my mother holds back from visiting me, but wants access to the baby, it is going to be the most effective way for me to build up a relationship with my mother, and maybe even chip away at her cult ideologies.

What I am making clear is that I will only be allowing access if her religious ideas are not spoken about in front of my child. Luckily my wife is not disfellowshipped so is able to deliver such messages better than I can who would end up in a bitter fight about it. Maybe you could write to your parents outlining that are very happy that they want to have a relationship with your daugther, but that you believe the Watchtower belief system to be damaging, and you will not tolerate them discussing their beliefs with her.

The other issue is that your daughter may pick up on the bad vibes with your parents. Let your parents know that shunning is unchristian and unhealthy for your child. If they are going to visit they must treat you as a normal family would.

The great thing with your situation now is that it is you that has control. Previously your parents thought they did. They could treat you like dirt and shun you. Now you have something they want. You are able to set the ground rules.

Regarding your daughter not having a proper relationship with her, as she gets older you will be able to blame the religion, so that she is not too hurt by the grand parents behaviour. Tell her that she is loved by her grandparents, but that they belong to a horrible religion that does not let them be very nice to people that do not go to their church. It will be a good foundation for you to educate her how some religions can be very harmful and what to look out for to avoid ever becoming involved is such organizations.

I have a 15 year old step daughter that my mother phones from time to time. I make sure to ask my daughter what was discussed each time in order to highlight the flaws of any damaging comments. I feel this is better that forcing total avoidance, as the best way to avoid cults is through education. My daughter is now able to identify false reasoning, and these days will come to me saying "can you believe she said this or that".

Kphoto

I grew up with a JW aunt who was very outspoken. We had a relationship with her because my parents laid down the law as to what would be allowed in their home. Period. My aunt had two choices and she chose to keep her relationship with her sister and our family which meant Jehovah stayed outside. If they can't leave the organizations outside then they don't come in. It worked for us. All my best and congrats on the new one.

MissingLink

I'm with Scully.

If they wont talk to you - then having them talk to your children is going to be harmful to your own relationsihp with your children.
Don't allow unsupervised visits. No matter what ground rules they agree to - they WILL lie to you and indoctrinate your child. They think they're "saving" him. Besides - you're just a piece of crap, so why not lie to you for the sake of "spiritual warfare".

Krystal

Thanks for all the input... it's true... I never thought of my parents as a damaging influence... I guess I still think that is me! lol

You are all 100% correct though... a relationship with them would be putting my daughter at risk... there is nothing or nobody in this world worth risking my own relationship with her!

Thanks again... much appreciated!! :-)

What to do with believing granparents?

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