I find myself today completely distraught, rejected and questioning myself for the first time in quite a while.
This past Friday night I ran into my recent ex and some mutual friends, and the new guy she is seeing. The very guy who she herself referred to previously as a "man whore." At first I was dismayed, not understanding how I could be replaced so easily. But then all the pieces of the puzzle started to come together.
She can go over to our friends house with this guy, as they have also known him for a while, and have a foursome like nothing has changed. He can give her all the attention she needs that I could not or would not as she can require a lot of attention. She can F*ck him, which really stings because she rarely wanted sex with me. (in fact the image of him on top of her is SEARED in my brain, I literally have not been able to get it out of my head for three days now). And ALLLLLL of this she can do WITHOUT having to deal with any of things I am working through, without having to talk about anything deep with him. Basically all the things she hated about OUR relationship are now gone.
And so not only now do I feel completely rejected in a relationship sense, but now it's also on a very VERY personal level, as I realize just how much my JW upbrining, my being a Silentlamb for years and as an adult trying to work through, make sense, heal and move on from all that truly drove this person away.
It makes me question myself, my path, my pain, my motivation, my drive. Really just about everything. I feel like a rag doll that served it's purpose, but when that doll started showing real needs and emotions was just thrown away and a new one bought.
For the first time, I feel utterly helpless. When my grandfather would rape me, or when mother would attempt suicide, I always had me. I counted on and depended on me. And now, as an adult, I AM the one I'm questioning and feel can't be depended on...
What to do when your JW + Silentlamb pasts ends in relationship rejection
by feenx 11 Replies latest jw friends
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feenx
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momzcrazy
feenx,
Hold on. Just hold on. Your ex has problems. To be with someone she herself refered to as a man whore shows she lacks self respect. She is the one responsible for her decisions, not you. You are better off with her gone. Very cliche, but very true also. Try to hold the images and mind wandering at bay. It's never like what you imagine anyway.
You have made it this far with a shitty, horrific past behind you. Yes, you have things to deal with still. You will deal with them forever, in one way or another. You have left the org, and you have placed the blame of the rapes on your grandfather. Those are HUGE steps.
You still have you to count on. You're just at a rough spot. Understandably so. Get therapy, if you haven't already. Hold off on relationships until you have healed more. You will find someone who understands, to some extent, what you have survived. You are stronger than you think, or that you are giving yourself credit for.
You are a strond, important person. Don't ever forget that!
momz
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LouBelle
Some people are just not meant to be together and that could be the truth here. I find people don't get why ex JWs' are so relieved to get out of the faith, they don't understand the influence or hold it had, this could be a reason why some of us find it difficult to relate and be related too. As for being a silent lamb - I cannot find the words, just that my heart is sore. Both these are not in any way our or in this case your fault, you are not to blame.
When loving someone, one should accept everything and all about that person, not wanting to change them in anyway, but just adding something else to the mixture. It's very difficult to find those people out there.
I'm sure you know you can still rely and depend upon yourself. You still love you for you. Be strong for you.
Peace.
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aSphereisnotaCircle
I'm a silentlamb too, though I really don't like the term, but at least it says a lot with one word.
I had a friend that i felt I could open up to, she kept saying i could tell her anything or call her anytime. When I finally did open up she dropped me like a rock, her husband even read me the riot act, telling me that i needed to take care of my own problems and not expecting others to do it for me. I was seventeen at the time, I didn't expect others to take care of me, but I did need help, but I didn't know who to go to or how to ask.
I didn't allow myself to open up to anyone for a long time after that. But now I don't care, people can take me the way i am or walk away and find someone they do like. It took me a long time to get here though.
Please take care of that little guy inside you that got raped. You need to be his parent, and take care of him. I went back to a house I lived in as a child, it was vacant, I stood outside and looked up to the second floor window of my old bedroom. I could see my little nine year old self looking down at me. I told her she didn't have to live their anymore and would she like to come home with me. She did, and I took her home with me.
I hug that little girl a lot now, it feels so good.
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crazyblondeb
You are not alone. Alot of us know exactly how u feel.
Here's another board,that kinda goes along with silent lambs.....http://www.lambsroar.org/db/
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alamb
Hello...I'm a lamb also, hence the name.
I was abused by an elder from ages 5-8 and then my father ages 13-19. It has been SUCH a long road. I married a JW and was the perfect elder's wife. When I dealt with the abuse and realized the good old boys running the show, the marriage ended too.
What I learned and can see now:
* I had emotional scars from the abuse and only by facing them and seeing them for what they were, part of my past, not part of me, could I put them in a box. A box I can put away, not as forgotten but as in my control to look at when I wish, and then put it back on the shelf. It ISN"T who I am. It is who my abusers chose to be.
* I can see my abusers for what they were. Weak spirited people in a cult. They had no interest in me as a child to be nurtured. I was prey for their weakness. For this I am stronger. I am not prey, any longer. They are still abusers. They abuse now spiritually though shunning. They are in pain emotionally and spiritually and only know to deal it out to others in a soulless response.
* Today I am free. If I drag them into it, I am making that prison.
* There are many wonderful, caring people in the world who would NEVER do to you what you family and ex have done. Seek them. Open yourself to good and truth and love, it will find you.
* Find the peace that is in yourself and it will grow and you will be strong. Stronger than the memories, stronger than the hatred they make you feel. And you will grow.
Keep well. Feel free to IM me. Believe in yourself because we believe in you.
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feenx
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words! I am sure I will be re-reading them quite often :)
I also had gone through the stage where I didn't open up to anyone, kept all of myself inside. And as I grew so did the desire for others to know, not for sympathy or anything, but just that I, as in the real me, was out there. I was in this transition stage when I met her. Before I met I had made the conscious decision that I wanted to be in a relationship and open myself up in that way.
Then suddenly BOOM there she was.
I remember all these feelings gushing up inside of me that I had not felt in to so long. It was all so real sometimes it was hard for me to believe. On our second date, as we laid together (before we'd ever had sex) she said I was just too perfect, there had to be something wrong with me, what was it? I told very briefly and matter of fact my past. And she replied, "That's it?"
I remember the feeling I had at that moment was best feeling and sensation I can remember. FINALLY. It was like affection and acceptance of all of me at once. I will never forget that feeling.
Now those are feelings are erased by her eventual rejection of my healing process. So now I am questioning if I made the wrong decision to be in a relationship, maybe I am not as far along in my healing process as I thought. Or was I so excited at the initial affection that I blinded myself from seeing true colors that eventually would come out? Did I expect too much of her and thus in a way am also personally responsible for this pain I feel now? What about the next time, if there is a next time, will I make a similar mistake and this only one event in an endless cycle? Am I going to be forced to date only ex-JW's because they are the only ones that may be able to handle me and all my bullsh*t?
Too many questions about myself that I feel I can't answer, and I'm letting myself and my thoughts swirl around in my head like a turd in a toilet, and I can't seem to make it stop. -
jamiebowers
Just because your ex doesn't have the inclination to stick by you during times of trouble doesn't mean you don't have you anymore. As a matter of fact, her leaving makes a stronger version of you. When a woman dates a man whore, she either isn't interested in having a relationship that goes beyond sexual or she is trying to attain the unattainable. That, my friend, has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.
As an abused child and wife within the org, it has been my experience that being alone gives a person time to get to know and develop love for themselves. Once that is accomplished, your perfect mate will arrive (most likely when you're not looking). Just hold on. Please pm me when you need to talk.
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flipper
FEENX- I truly feel for you my friend. We love you- help is on the way from all our various experiences in life - it's what we can offer you, experience. Although I cannot say " I know how you feel " from the aspect of being a silent lamb - I was never abused like that , still about 3 years ago before I met my current wife, I was hurt like you very deeply in a relationship with a girlfriend who I had dated a year and a half.
At the time I was 45 , she was 37 , and had a couple teenage kids. I thought we were close, I trusted her, and she me as well. But apparently I didn't satisfy her , but she wouldn't open up about it- just started seeing another guy behind mt back. I didn't have a clue. The innocent mate is usually the last to know unfortunately. So , one night I went to the local night club and found her there with her daughters high school music teacher, whom I had met on several occasions at informal gatherings. As you know - it can virtually destroy your own masculinity - and you do end up doubting your own ability to choose a good partner for awhile after that. Notice I say " for awhile ".
In time the hurt subsided and I had a few dates with women, not serious , but just to get a better feeling about my ability to attract a woman again- for self esteem sake. In time I joined E-harmony, met my current wife the next year, and things are good now, been married a year and a half. I'm so sorry you have gone through this pain my friend - but be glad you found out what your ex was really all about when you did. Could you imagine having stayed with her for years and years , then finding out way down the road she wouldn't be faithful ?
You are a good , decent, man with lots of value to have come this far in your healing in life ! The sun will rise on you every day , and you will love again my friend ! I didn't think I would, but in time I did! So will you ! As others have said, the problem was not in you- it was her and her lack of being able to be authentic and real and show you genuine human emotion. If you ever want to talk- I'll PM you my number friend. Hang in there , love & regards, Mr. Flipper -
Burger Time
It sucks feenx. I'll play devil's advocate and just point out that if you haven't been through child abuse it's very hard to deal with someone who has. Point blank you have issues that are deep seeded that is hard for people to understand. That being said it's a shame she lead you on instead of just being honest. It's just a lazy thing for her. She was too lazy from the beginning to want to deal with your problems but probably never said anything. As for you being disgusted about that guy screwing her it reminds me of the movie High Fidelity where John Cusak is laying in bed trying to sleep and he says something to the effect of, "I keep on thinking she is having the best sex of her life that she never had with me". Just remember all might not be so well with her. Girls have a way of trying to cut your balls off when with a "new" guy.