by The Scotsman 63 Replies latest jw friends
Scotsman,
I'm in the same boat. I feel for you man.
If you wanted to meet her half way, you could go for a while, but then there would be expectations for you from the other dubs. It might put your wife in a bad light if you showed up for six months and then disappeared.
Probably, better to let things take their course. If she's willing to pack it in, let her do this, but keep her busy with other activities so she's not home alone for too long.
What do you think???
Seeing the way your wife is, if you don't go with her until she makes enough friends to feel comfortable, then you have no heart.
Warlock
To quote an old saying, "Things are darkest just before dawn." Most women I know when facing heavy emotional situations, tend to wake up in the middle of the night and start stressing, spinning things around and around in their minds because they can't sleep.
I have been known to do that a few times during my life. (My husband calls it "Whipping myself into a frenzy")
The next day things are never as heavy or formidable as they were at 3:00am.
You are in the fortuitous position of never having to enter a new congregation. You can support her all you like. Offer to drive/pick up after. Many here have suggested a day together on a Sunday. Plan something special ahead of time. My dad use to cook a dinner for her on Sundays, ready when my mom arrived home. My father never made jokes about what she believed, allowed her to have the book study in the home, and stopped trying to convince her it was all a lie. His situation was the same as yours, (ex-elder, wife still in, raised in the truth scenerio)....it took many years but everything fell in to place. Mom was one of those JW's who rallied after the initial shock that her husband was not going back.
You must remain firm in your convictions without treading on hers. You never know what the outcome will be.
Please keep us posted and take care.
r.
Hi TS
Glad to hear you are at some sort of inflection point in your journey - this is a good thing in the long run.
Its very difficult to give advice on exiting the JW;s but nobody on here lets that stop them so here's my 0.02:
1 - I was determined Sam would be out with me sooner or later, preferably sooner. So I waited until I felt she was most receptive to hearing what my real feelings were ie apostate through and through with no hope of ever believing JW'ism ever again. She knew I was weak, not interested and had doubts but I still had to cross the Rubicon.
2 - At some stage you will tell her about JWD. I felt guilty about lurking on her, like I was somehow being disloyal to Sam by finding things out and not telling her what I knew. Also when I started posting and interacting with other posters, that made the guilt worse. I had made contact with other people she didn't know, was discussing things and sharing how I felt. In effect I had introduced a 3rd party into our relationship. So I had to get her looking at JWD at some point - fortunately she got herself a logon and got right into it pretty quickly. (We have made some great friends via JWD and reacquainted with old friends - so there's insta-friends here as well as at the KH - just the ones you get here are more meaningful)
3 - There was a great post on here a few weeks back about a couple that had decided to share with each other how they really felt in a non-confrontational environment, where respect and confidentiality would be guaranteed. The important thing for them was to preserve their relationship and have it based on honesty with each other at the expense of everything else, including religious beliefs. If you could get a situation like that agreed upon then that would provide for an open dialogue.
4 - Never forget your wife may still be captive to the concept that the FDS are God's mouthpiece. She may be. Until you have the open conversation you don't know. She may be ready to jack it all in but doesn't know how to tell you. On the other hand she may be straight down to the nearest elders to turn you in, or move out and back to her parents house or whatever. It is a high-stakes conversation - set the ground rules for honesty and time for reflection before anything is decided. I agreed up front with Sam that we would work it out together and that nothing was set in stone - she would have my support in whatever she decided.
Hope some of that helps - all the best
Paul + Sam
After reading your post, my first thought was there must be something else wrong for your wife to be so afraid to attend a new congregation without you. Please nudge her gently into a conversation about her fears and lack of confidence, and try to get to the bottom of it. I'm really wondering if she wasn't abused in some way as a child (in ways other than the typical like being threatened with demon possession, Armageddon, etc.).
Once you've ascertained whether or not there was physical and/or sexual abuse in her past, you'll know how to proceed. If she was indeed abused, both of you should be focusing on that. If she wasn't physically or sexually abused, lay it out to her how much support you can give her without attending the meetings. Maybe you could drop her off and pick her up. If SHE decides not to go, replace the meetings with a pleasurable activity. Being that she was raised in the cult, she will need lots of time and attention to be de-programmed. Good luck and God bless!
Hi, Scotsman,
Otwo & Midwichcucko have some good points here, as do many others,
otwo- Honey, it's a new hall. I don't have the desire to go, and I don't have to explain myself to our old friends.
It's just a good time to stop altogether. I cannot go just to help you adjust."
I agree that as Midwichcuckoo mentions it will be tough not to keep going, my thoughts are that if you do go
once they meet you, while she keeps going they are more apt to start with on going little encouragement visits to you,
then the fade will be more difficult then if you were "just stopping cold turkey."
Difficult call, wish the best in your decision.
hope4others
Thanks to you all for your help - it really is beneficial having a place like this to come to for advice based on actual experiences.
I have been swamped with PMs so plenty to think about.
I suppose I have reached the point I have looked forward to - actually breaking away from it all.
I love my wife with all my heart - and always will no matter what.
In the end - the ultimate plan must be to get out of the org and get her out as well.
Only time will tell how it will go.
I suppose I have reached the point I have looked forward to - actually breaking away from it all.
I love my wife with all my heart - and always will no matter what.
In the end - the ultimate plan must be to get out of the org and get her out as well.
I could have written those words for my own situation.
I do not go to the meetings, but went to the Memorial to make peace.
My wife doesn't pressure me to go to any meetings, but we haven't moved either.
I try to be reasonable and assure her of my love and don't make an issue of the
meetings. I even come along and stay at the hotel when we have the DC.
But there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Only you can decide where.
I will never totally let my wife be happy with her religion, because she is being
unfairly taken advantage of by a mind-control cult. But I won't force the issue
so much that it repels her. She must have the same respect for my desire to
avoid meetings, but I understand her efforts to invite me back (infrequent).
Power to you in whatever path you are taken.
wow scotty.....you've come a long way since you arrived here......good to see your progress mate and I also understand the hurdles you are facing.......btw.....I get loads of pm's too....(usually telling me to piss off the board...he he).....if you ever want to meet up for someone to talk to....pm me.....I'll buy the drinks......all the best to you sir....ninja
I think you have a good opportunity. Having her away from the meetings for a while will weaken the mind control they have on her. Try to show her some positive things to do outside the organization. And of course - share some "truth".
