by ashitaka 19 Replies latest jw friends
Hi guys,
What helped you guys get over your anger of being shunned, dealt with unfairly, ignored, etc?
My wife and I found comfort in each other. Another thing that helped is that my parents are very supportive of us, although my wife's aren't (actually they're hell beasts from the deep).
Do you feel that it's necessary to get over anger at all? Is it good to stay angry?
ashi
"You ever get lonely?."
"Only around people."
-Thin Red Line
Ashi.
Who does the anger hurt? Does it hurt them or you? Anger is a feeling that comes when finding out how one has been grossly lied to and being hurt and having your family hurt by the lies. So we go thru the anger and get to a place of sadness and finally to a place of letting it go. We have to because - Who does anger hurt? Does it hurt you or them?
JJ
Moving on is the only answer, making new friends, setting new goals, living.
Living well is the best revenge as they say.
While I will never forget the friendships I made as a witness, I don't sit in my house fuming about the fact that family members and friends have shunned me for 13 years.
I have friends, I have hobbies and goals, I live. Life goes on.
Would I like to see these people again? Maybe. I recently heard from one old friend who was also disfellowshipped for about 8 months. We chatted for 5 or 10 minutes about the old days and shared a couple of funny memories. Then we quickly ran out of things to say to each other.
I'm sure my old friends barely even remember me now and my nieces, who were still children when I was DFed are now married with kids, lives and heaps of problems of their own. I doubt they think of me much either.
It is hard to keep in real touch with very many people. My experience is that most people maintain close relationships with 5 to 10 people and everyone else is on the periphery somewhere, maybe linking up when a common interest event comes up.
Joel
Anger was the only emotion I had for a long time that helped me survive I think. If it weren't for the anger, my own lack of self-esteem, depression & self-worthlessness would have taken over and I would no doubt be a suicide statistic.
What helped me get over it? To be honest, still in "recovery", so web sights like this have had a positive influence. The love of my hubby, who although cannot begin to comprehend my life, encourages me to seek whatever avenues I need to help myself.
Research & realizing I've lived in a "cult", that the basis of this religion was false helped. I realized I now have a "blank" page as far as my spirituality goes, whatever I do to fill that now is between me and God - and no other man. Whatever religions I "dabble" in will be to seek my relationship with God and study him - not a man made organization.
Knowing life is now "unpredetermined" has opened so many closed doors, I actually relish alot of things I never had (i.e. finishing school, helping my children develop normaly, etc. etc.).
Joel, your post made me a little sad, but you're right. You move on, as does the rest of the world. People are fickle in love and friendship, and while old relationships can be rekindled, a new basis for it has to be created. I guess the anger just dissapates on its own, moving along with life. I suppose that once in a while there are things that trigger it again, but, like all things, it probably ends up leaving....
ashi
It was weird because I remember the day I finally let go. Yes I am still here participating on this DB...but I mean really let go of my anger. I called my parents and spoke to each of them individually. I had walked away from the org, and was not officially DF or reproved. But I was treated as I was. I told each of them I forgave them. And in my heart I did, it was not their fault that their mind was so twisted. My mother laughed at me, and said something to the affect of...well I don't need to be forgiven, I did nothing wrong.
My dad on the other hand, cried, and actually took the phone outside so we could talk privatly. He told me about his childhood, and things that happened to him, that I did not even know about. He explained why he was a jw, and also told me he did the best he could, and was only trying to do right by us kids. He then asked me for forgiveness after I had already given it to him. He told me there was alot of things wrong with the org, but he thought it was the best way to raise his family. I believed him, and my heart was so much lighter after this convo.
If they both had the same response, I think I would still have walked away okay. Because I had to start with me, I had to let go and not let it effect me any longer. If I didn't let go of the anger that day, I may have later on down the road. But I assure you it was the best day of my life
Joel,
I agree, I think that anywhere we are in life we have those that we stick close to, and those that may be a part of our life but are still at a distance. The friends I went to nursing school wiht, there was 23 that graduated I only speak on a regular basis to about 5 of them. Even though we all were a very close knit bunch when we had our crash study sessions. There are certain personalities we are attracted to, and usually those are the ones who stick by us through the years.
wendy
Blind faith can justify anything.~Richard Dawkins
Ashitaka,
I sort of discussed some of this in the thread above:
"Do U Feel JWs Look Down on U 4 Leaving? Help."
Check it out.
Anger is normal, as is grief and mourning over this kind of loss. I had lots of friends in the Witnesses, and have worked over the past few years to find new ones. I don't think I have anyone as close as I used to be to a few JWs, except my wife, but that may change with time. I have very fulfilling work and lots of great goals, and that helps, as did doing a lot of writing on the old H2O board for about a year. Now I just don't need it as much. Time helps a lot.
And I agree with Joelbear that you will only have a small handful of really close friends in a lifetime anyway.
If you read my post above, you'll also see some ways I've used to take the power out of the hands of the WTS and keep it with myself. What I came to understand was that my main reason for leaving was that my spirituality had become much deeper than that of the WTS and the Witnesses, and there was no way I could accept what they taught any longer. I outgrew it and the transformation made it impossible for me to stay a Witness. It would be like an adult trying to fit into the clothes he wore at age six. You've simply outgrown them, and there is no going back.
It is so much nicer living as an adult.
S4
It's been five years +, and I am still angry, but it comes and goes.
Time is the best healer. This board has helped, but sometimes I have to not read it for awhile because I read things that just stir it up again.
Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)
"Those who know, don't say, and those who say, don't know."
Seeker, thanks, Mulan, I know what you mean....just wanted to say I'm definitly reading all of the responses....very much appreciated.
ashi
Although inactive for over two years, I must admit it feels much better knowing my name is no longer on any book study list. It feels free and light to be excluded from assignments.
Now, if I happen to attend (less than three times in 18 months, each time over one hour late and Sunday only), I feel a sense of calm and relaxation. I do not have anyone infringing on my time or handing me assignments. I enjoy just sitting there quietly and sometimes listening and sometimes just relaxing, almost to sleep. And when the talks begin sounding like WTBS propaganda, I just get up and leave.
One or two say hello and we exchange a few greetings and the rest is history. I don't accept phone calls or sheperding calls or invitations. So I am well on my way to complete and total freedom.
