The dumpee or the dumper

by wings 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  wings

  This topic is about the end of a relationship. I was reading in an old self help book on surviving divorce. He put the survivors into the dumpee/dumper category,and then there were the mutuals that I know nothing about.

  ....I found a few things interesting about that.

  For one, he suggests that the dumpers experience more guilt, the dumpees experience more rejection.

  The dumpers have been in pain and turmoil longer than the dumpees, so they are more emotionally advanced by the time the relationship is ending. Not to say that their pain is less, it just started first. The dumpees are often blind-sided, and have a great deal of difficulty accepting the end of the relationship.

  ADD the JW/apostate element. It seems to involve a third party, a dividing of interests, a separating of paths, so significant it can sometimes leave the relationship with no air to breath. So it would be dumper, dumpee, and the a man made organization demanding full worship (can''t think of a "d" work for that). Is it really the dumper's fault?????

  Just a discussion
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  BFD

  My LTR of 17 years ended after I realized that I had been duped and really had been dumped. My reaction was to dump the dumper! I was both dumper and dumpee. Go figure.

  BFD
• 

  Finally-Free

  I was married for 16 1/2 years, the last 11 of which were without any intimacy. Then I learned the "truth" was all a lie, leaving my ex and myself with nothing at all in common. Not being content to live like a leper in my own home, I ended the marriage. I felt guilty for a long time, but I'm over that now.

  W
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  changeling

  I dumped the WTS like I dumped old boyfriends. Short and sweet and never look back.

  changeling :)
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  llbh

  This depends on the reason for the relationship ending. It is as you point out, usually difficult for both parties to accept

  . That being said the kinder and clearer the communication the easier it could be for both. This ignores the fact that emotion usually complicates and clouds the real issues.

  Whatever happens the kinder people are the better the outcome for all

  David
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  momzcrazy

  It is painful for both sides. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Sometimes something just dies. But no matter why or how, it is horrible to go thru on both sides of the end.

  momz
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  R.Crusoe

  I'm curious about whether ones approach to ending relationships is linked to whether ones persona is a judging one or an empath one?

  I imagine in some situations an empath lets a relationship shrivel before its essential to break free whereas a judging personas self interest always takes president and will reject people like old clothes?

  I'm unsure how true it is but I wonder, if too, the same can be said of many suuccessful people = intolerant of anything less than success?
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  wings

  I'm curious about whether ones approach to ending relationships is linked to whether ones persona is a judging one or an empath one?

  I imagine in some situations an empath lets a relationship shrivel before its essential to break free whereas a judging personas self interest always takes president and will reject people like old clothes?

  I'm unsure how true it is but I wonder, if too, the same can be said of many suuccessful people = intolerant of anything less than success?

  RC that is very thoughtful. Of all the reasons for marriages to have trouble and end in dirvorce, many reasons...., but to when one wants to exit a cult, and the other digs feet in.....even though it is a reason, it just doesn't seem right.

  In my situation, that is not the only reason, it is just the reason that broke the camel's back. Right now I am just upset about it.

  It is painful for both sides. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Sometimes something just dies. But no matter why or how, it is horrible to go thru on both sides of the end.

  momz this is so true. I would give anything to be dumped right now. The honest path is so often the hardest.
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  wings

  Not being content to live like a leper in my own home, I ended the marriage. I felt guilty for a long time, but I'm over that now.

  ditto...feeling guilty, and have been. Does it end?
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  R.Crusoe

  I was the one who suggested divorce!

  I was a broken person and just stated the obvious, ' I cannot live within this marriage anymore - I am done - utterly fragmented.'

  She agreed within a second like she had been waiting for me to say it for years! (obviously being a JW precluded her from doing so)

  My feeling? Why did we ever get involved at the start?

  Some people just should never live together and confusion about relationsgips, religion and life in general leads them down a white water rapid with little time to choose any out points.

  But as we all know children make us push ourselves beyond pain time and again till we almost can no longer recognise who we are as an individual.

  Maybe it's wiser to leave before such a time though I believe some are unable to - desertion is not an option - even though it may be the best solution for everyones future happiness.