I think I just need to tell the story to someone who will get it?

by aimless 51 Replies latest jw experiences

aimless

Hi everyone, Im new. I've been feeling a burden on myself for the years that I have been out and I just don't know how to ease it. I can't talk about the organization or the people in it to anyone... if i try i immediately feel sick and want to close up and just disappear. My boyfriend has tried to get me to talk about it with him but i don't know i just cant. I'm hoping it might be easier here since there's a lot of people on here who have had it worse... and understand the culture. When I was in the 4th grade i moved near one of my aunts and her family. My parents didn't really have much in the way of faith tho, when i was a small child right up till i was about 6 my mother studied with jehovah's witnesses and attended sunday meetings, she was very in and out about it, naturally she brought me with her but i really only have a few memories of any of that still. But anyway back to 4th grade the aunt i moved near was a jehovah's witness and so were my cousins, soon i began studying with her and she was taking me to meetings regularly. Eventually it progressed to the point where i was at every meeting each week, and out in service on saturdays and sundays after the meetings. I was a child but carrying a very full load. When i felt that my aunt wasn't strict enough i switched my bible study to a pioneer sister in the congregation. We were incredibly close, she was like a big sister to me. I remember always trying so hard to be good enough as everyone there... and no matter how hard i felt i was trying i was always treated worse than the children that were raised within the religion. Even though my attendance was better than any of theirs, i participated far more than anyone else my age in the meetings, i was in service way more and unprovoked by a parent at that... but i still was left with the feeling that I didn't belong... these people would never see me as worthy. I was directed by my study conductor to not mention the music i liked for fear that someone could be offended, i was also advised against talking about my video games because they had violence and magic in them and so were evil.... this mind you is after i had screened all of my entertainment with a fine toothed comb... i carefully examined game content before purchasing... i through out books that had near mention of witchery. I was the most dedicated youth i had seen in the organization. Ironically the only time i started to fit in was after i had begun dating a witness boy who had zero ambition but a very involved family so they all looked like they were in good standing. We began dating when i was about 15 granted a little young, he had 3 years on me but that's pretty common and we had every intent of getting married when i turned 18. I spent every night of those years praying to be different, praying to be better, praying that i could possibly please jehovah, praying that my efforts would maybe pay off, and begging jehovah to at least see my efforts. As I things progressed in my relationship however thinks did eventually take a turn towards things of a physical nature, there was things like making out and fondling. That was the end o it. We never had sex of any kind but still it seemed wrong. I was a kid being pressured into these things... time went by and i began to feel lack luster in the entire religion and in the relationship as well. I had notions of bethel at one point but found that the only way in seemed to be as someone's wife. Eventually i broke up with the jehovah's witness boy who seemed spiritually asleep but was still far more appreciated by the congregation and other youths, i think the only reason i stayed with him as long as i did was because i liked the way his family made me feel, they gave me a feeling of belonging and gave me a group to sit with at assemblies. I kept attending meetings and going in service though, i really wanted to not admit i was wrong about the watchtower society... i soon met a worldly boy not long after and he nothing but respectful of me and my beliefs. I was nothing but happy with him... he seemed free, and every moment spent with him seemed safe and didn't feel "guilty". When my ex jehovahs witness boyfriend tried to get me to come back to him i told him i couldn't, i didn't want to, and that was talking to someone else. He did the digging and discovered that I had been talking to a worldly boy. He insisted that i must leave this boy immediately and come back to him, obviously i said no. Then he went to the elders claiming guilt over having some form of sexual contact with me, and tossed in there how terribly concerned he was that i was seeing a worldly boy. Now what happens next here, well keep in mind i was an unbaptized publisher who's parents weren't involved with the religion, in fact i was not baptized because they were opposed to the idea. The elders went to my parents with this information and demanded a sit down in our family home with my dad there, while they asked me to describe anything sexual i had done with this ex boyfriend. They then drill me to find out if there is indeed another boy (who by this time i had been seeing for some time and was very much in live with). when they get there answer (an honest one for which i still ask myself why answer that honestly to this day) they proceed to tell me how unhappy jehovah is with me and how bad of a person i have been. They explain that they are stripping my publisher rights away and tell me im no longer allowed to participate in meetings. I never went to another meeting after that day i was done. My parents officially hated me and had their own reaction to me being a "whore" and i never heard from the pioneer sister who was my best friend again. Occassionally an elder would come by to try to see me and i would deny them , my parents kept letting them in because they suddenly felt these were the best people ever after they had humiliated me. I Was moved out by graduation and things didnt get better till we all pretended it didn't happen. The entire thing leaves me feeling so vicitimized to this very day. 3 years later it still eats me up. I don't know what to do and ocassionally when I'm super stressed i still think about going back and i don't even know why. A little bit of a happy ending can be that I'm still with that worldly boy we live together and have a puppy and things are good with us. I just dont know what to do I have what appears to be anxiety disorder that i developed while i was still in it... i get depressed and stressed out and i start throwing up for no reason. I guess Im just looking for a sympathetic ear? If anyone has any advice on coping... please share. Its still really hard. I left it at such a weird time and had been so dedicated that i had 1 friend from high school and a few friends left at work after it was done. I feel so socially awkward and removed from people now that i just dont even feel like i know how to socailize.. sorry for the ling as post... and thanks for reading... -aimless
aimless

I feel really aimless in life now. I have a retail management job with the same company i've worked for for as long as i could work, and i have very small aspirations that feel unreachable. I had never thought of college because i was gonna be a pioneer.... nd by the time it came down to applying i hadn't looked at anything and didn't know what i wanted to do so i just didn't go.... I have trouble defining what i want in life now still and it been 3 years. I feel a total lack of ambition... i dont even play video games as much as i used to because i find myself "too tired" to even do that... -aimless
asilentone

Welcome to the board! I am sure others will give you some advice soon!
FlyingHighNow

Welcome. I hope you will find the haven here that you seek.
OnTheWayOut

I will make it a bit easier to read:
Hi everyone, Im new. I've been feeling a burden on myself for the years that I have been out and I just don't know how to ease it. I can't talk about the organization or the people in it to anyone... if i try i immediately feel sick and want to close up and just disappear. My boyfriend has tried to get me to talk about it with him but i don't know i just cant. I'm hoping it might be easier here since there's a lot of people on here who have had it worse... and understand the culture. When I was in the 4th grade i moved near one of my aunts and her family. My parents didn't really have much in the way of faith tho, when i was a small child right up till i was about 6 my mother studied with jehovah's witnesses and attended sunday meetings, she was very in and out about it, naturally she brought me with her but i really only have a few memories of any of that still. But anyway back to 4th grade the aunt i moved near was a jehovah's witness and so were my cousins, soon i began studying with her and she was taking me to meetings regularly. Eventually it progressed to the point where i was at every meeting each week, and out in service on saturdays and sundays after the meetings. I was a child but carrying a very full load. When i felt that my aunt wasn't strict enough i switched my bible study to a pioneer sister in the congregation. We were incredibly close, she was like a big sister to me. I remember always trying so hard to be good enough as everyone there... and no matter how hard i felt i was trying i was always treated worse than the children that were raised within the religion. Even though my attendance was better than any of theirs, i participated far more than anyone else my age in the meetings, i was in service way more and unprovoked by a parent at that... but i still was left with the feeling that I didn't belong... these people would never see me as worthy. I was directed by my study conductor to not mention the music i liked for fear that someone could be offended, i was also advised against talking about my video games because they had violence and magic in them and so were evil.... this mind you is after i had screened all of my entertainment with a fine toothed comb... i carefully examined game content before purchasing... i through out books that had near mention of witchery. I was the most dedicated youth i had seen in the organization. Ironically the only time i started to fit in was after i had begun dating a witness boy who had zero ambition but a very involved family so they all looked like they were in good standing. We began dating when i was about 15 granted a little young, he had 3 years on me but that's pretty common and we had every intent of getting married when i turned 18. I spent every night of those years praying to be different, praying to be better, praying that i could possibly please jehovah, praying that my efforts would maybe pay off, and begging jehovah to at least see my efforts. As I things progressed in my relationship however thinks did eventually take a turn towards things of a physical nature, there was things like making out and fondling. That was the end o it. We never had sex of any kind but still it seemed wrong. I was a kid being pressured into these things... time went by and i began to feel lack luster in the entire religion and in the relationship as well. I had notions of bethel at one point but found that the only way in seemed to be as someone's wife. Eventually i broke up with the jehovah's witness boy who seemed spiritually asleep but was still far more appreciated by the congregation and other youths, i think the only reason i stayed with him as long as i did was because i liked the way his family made me feel, they gave me a feeling of belonging and gave me a group to sit with at assemblies. I kept attending meetings and going in service though, i really wanted to not admit i was wrong about the watchtower society... i soon met a worldly boy not long after and he nothing but respectful of me and my beliefs. I was nothing but happy with him... he seemed free, and every moment spent with him seemed safe and didn't feel "guilty". When my ex jehovahs witness boyfriend tried to get me to come back to him i told him i couldn't, i didn't want to, and that was talking to someone else. He did the digging and discovered that I had been talking to a worldly boy. He insisted that i must leave this boy immediately and come back to him, obviously i said no. Then he went to the elders claiming guilt over having some form of sexual contact with me, and tossed in there how terribly concerned he was that i was seeing a worldly boy. Now what happens next here, well keep in mind i was an unbaptized publisher who's parents weren't involved with the religion, in fact i was not baptized because they were opposed to the idea. The elders went to my parents with this information and demanded a sit down in our family home with my dad there, while they asked me to describe anything sexual i had done with this ex boyfriend. They then drill me to find out if there is indeed another boy (who by this time i had been seeing for some time and was very much in live with). when they get there answer (an honest one for which i still ask myself why answer that honestly to this day) they proceed to tell me how unhappy jehovah is with me and how bad of a person i have been. They explain that they are stripping my publisher rights away and tell me im no longer allowed to participate in meetings. I never went to another meeting after that day i was done. My parents officially hated me and had their own reaction to me being a "whore" and i never heard from the pioneer sister who was my best friend again. Occassionally an elder would come by to try to see me and i would deny them , my parents kept letting them in because they suddenly felt these were the best people ever after they had humiliated me. I Was moved out by graduation and things didnt get better till we all pretended it didn't happen. The entire thing leaves me feeling so vicitimized to this very day. 3 years later it still eats me up. I don't know what to do and ocassionally when I'm super stressed i still think about going back and i don't even know why. A little bit of a happy ending can be that I'm still with that worldly boy we live together and have a puppy and things are good with us. I just dont know what to do I have what appears to be anxiety disorder that i developed while i was still in it... i get depressed and stressed out and i start throwing up for no reason. I guess Im just looking for a sympathetic ear? If anyone has any advice on coping... please share. Its still really hard. I left it at such a weird time and had been so dedicated that i had 1 friend from high school and a few friends left at work after it was done. I feel so socially awkward and removed from people now that i just dont even feel like i know how to socailize.. sorry for the ling as post... and thanks for reading... -aimless
I don't answer too many newbies like yourself because I am bitter at WTS for misleading me all those years.
I don't always say this in a nice way- They don't have "the truth." Perhaps you can learn from others here and
from places such as jwfacts.com why they don't have "the truth." That might help you to get over them.
Your problem seems odd. You were never a JW, but were an unbaptized publisher. Your parents reaction
must have been swayed by the JW aunt and elders.
I hope you can just develop a life outside of these people that were part of your life. Don't totally forget your
parents, but move on. Give them less thought as you find people who care.
The elders could have started out wanting to know about your relationship with the JW boy to decide how to
discipline him, but elders go too far because they are trained to expect cooperation and to make judgments
based on how people answer detailed questions. They don't expect you to know that you could have told them
"None of your business" to any questions. They would have delivered the same result even if you did not
cooperate with them.
I am sure that ones less bitter than I will give good advice.
flipper

AIMLESS- Welcome to the board my friend ! You are among friends here who understand what you are going through, and what you've been through. Please know that my wife and I care . I was raised in the witnesses till age 44, I decided to get out almost 5 years ago. Much because of the reasons you are stating about how you were treated. Don't feel guilty at all about how you feel . It is normal to have those feelings because the witness organization and elders put needless guilt on you for no reason.

You are a good person; never let anyone tell you different. You have a boyfriend who loves you now, and from what you say , you guys are really happy. Give yourself time to heal from being in a " mind control cult" . Your ex-boyfriend who was the witness treated you very disrespectfully and seemed very vindictive because you broke up with him. You don't owe these people anything- they are wrong in how they treated you.

Do yourself a favor and take time to heal from the mental abuse they handed you. There are several books I could recommend for you to read which might help. Let me know if you are interested, and I will let you know. But many here have been hurt too by the organization , so we understand. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. Just breathe in the freedom you say that impressed you about your boyfriend. We look forward to getting to know you here. You can always talk to us if you need someone to listen. Take care, Peace out, Mr. & Mrs. Flipper
Rev1212

Hi Aimless,
Really, you sound like you have your act together with a nice job and boyfriend. College is so unnecessary -- so many of my friends have college degrees but no job resulting from their majors. My advice, if you don't like your retail mgmt job, then check out the vocational-type schools where in less that a year you can learn accounting, graphic design, cosmetology, health services, cooking -- tons of stuff. So you can still work and learn a new skill at the same time -- sometimes you can even do it on-line without having to go to classes.
BTW, sorry for the hard time you had as a young person in the truth. I have been in the truth for 10 years, so I didn't grow up in it (someone just knocked on my door and the rest is history). But from the experiences I have been reading about on this message board, a lot of JWs that were raised in the truth have had some hard times. For me, I am just happy to know what the truth is and I don't have any issues with "management". But I can see how you have been treated unjustly by the elders. I do hope that one day you will go back to the organization. But for now, maybe just try reading the Bible a little bit each day and I know you will get some happiness from that.
Wish I could be of more help. Take care of yourself.
aimless

thanks for the welcome everyone. I think it goes without saying. I have no intention of ever going back and describe my religious affiliation as hostile when asked about it. I just don't want to do anything with religion right now I want nothing to do with any of it. I just want to get past it all. I would describe myself as feeling ashamed and embarassed when it comes to my time as jehovah's witnesses... i'd just like to stop feeling so bad now, i don't ever want to go back. It'd just be nice to figure how to cope a little better. If i see someone i used to know somewhere i run and hide so they don't see me or recognize me. Im thinking that might be alittle werid on my part.. i'd like to get over it....
asilentone

aimless, don't listen to Rev1212.
jamiebowers

Hello and welcome. If talking to people on this board and reading the books that Mr. Flipper recommends, doesn't help, you may want to see a therapist. Being in the jw organization at any age is emotionally abusive, but it is particularly bad for young people. Your parents probably realized that on some level, and that's why they wouldn't allow you to get baptized. But then when they learned that you were somewhat sexually active, they flipped out. That's normal for some parents. They probably pushed you to go back to the meetings, because they didn't know what else to do, figuring you may stay out of trouble if you continued with your study, meeting attendance and field service. At your age it may be difficult to realize that parents are just people. They don't always have all of the right answers and then become frightened of it.
Just take a deep breath and keep reading and posting here. Things will probably get much better for you in time. You may also want to have your boyfriend read and post here as well, so he can get an idea of what you've been through. While reading your post I was reminded of this YouTube video I saw just the other day. Listen and see what you think.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZXFYxt2Fow
Hope to hear from you again soon. You and your boyfriend sound like very nice people, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Take care. Good luck and God bless.

I think I just need to tell the story to someone who will get it?

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