The Edit

compound complex

Original:

Mary had a little lamb

whose fleece was white as snow,

and everywhere that Mary went

the lamb was sure to go.

Edit:

Mary travels; her ultra-

white sheep tags along.

cofty

haha The second version would be me trying to write poetry!

Hope you are well?

compound complex

Thanks, cofty! I'm OK, and hoping the same for you.

Any attempt at poetry is fine with me. I'm paring down the words in my own.

Best.

CoCo

I actually find this interesting. I'm fascinated with language - the mechanics of it, the psychology of it, etc. Why is some language (like some poetry) rated highly, whereas, other is not? Is there a way to objectively rate it, or is all rating purely subjective? I've never studied poetry, so I don't understand how to critique it. I've read (at least parts of) some so-called great poems, but I don't know what it is that makes them great.

At first, your edited version sounded (as I read the words to myself) lifeless, blunt, cold, devoid of feeling - like something an efficient machine would spit out, but, then, as I read the words several more times and paid attention to the way I read them, they began to sound better. "Mary travels;" [Read in a serious, contemplative tone. Long pause to allow for mental picture to form and to allow for analysis. Where is she traveling and why?] "her ultra-white sheep [pause] tags along" [read in a serious, dramatic tone].

Now, the edited version seems thought-provoking and the original seems silly and non-thought-provoking. However, I don't know whether that's the way it should be. I just don't know.

I am good at the objective parts of language, such as grammar, even though I deliberately don't follow all conventions (such as where to place punctuation marks relative to quotation marks). However, I am ignorant as to the more subjective parts of language such as what makes for great literature and poetry. Maybe there are ways to more objectively rate such, but if there are, I am ignorant of them.

compound complex

Greetings, Magnum:

Have you ever landed four-footed, with questioning brain and feeling heart at odds, on the question of the ages. Beauty is in the eye (and ear) of the beholder?

Much ink has been spilled on what you have pondered, as well as many an oral discussion over what works and what doesn't. Working the fine arts since earliest childhood, I have my thoughts -- shared by others -- yet there is no concrete way to delineate between objective and subjective evaluation. I believe that it is a rare, precise combination of brilliant technique and heart- and sense-touching emotion that will hold onlookers in their thrall.

I love your analysis of my edit. You saw economy and barrenness, yet stopped to reconsider . . . there might be beauty in what initially seems devoid of life. Well put! You have given my little edit more credit than I.

More to follow. I, now, am favoring the notion that less is more in my own verse.

Gratefully,

CoCo

Oubliette

Mary had a little lamb, with a little side of mint sauce and roasted root vegetable. It paired nicely with a Pinot Noir.

Esse quam videri

Mary had put a hard days work in and she was hungry. Cleaning windows was tiring, but fulfilling, knowing her hard work would eventually pay dividends. The new system was just around the corner. Pioneering was paying off. She now had her own cart. Saturday nights Mary splurged. Little sins, not illegal, just little expensive treats. Mary was hungry. Mary went to the Greek restaurant on Main St. and sat quietly in the corner. She had been there about six months ago. That Saturday Mary had the fasolada, tiropita and a glass of red wine. Heavenly. This night Mary would really splurge. She had been savings her pennies and, besides, this night it was the special. She was still on her diet so Mary ordered the smaller portion. This night 'Mary had a little lamb',florina peppers, and her blissful glass of wine.

Hairtrigger

Mary goes

Lamb follows

Jesus: Mom could we have lamb chops for dinner?

Mary goes ... wearing a white fleece jacket

compound complex

ORIGINAL:

You whisper in my ear that never will you leave me.

But you died -- you died! -- at such a time that I

Could not stand alone, nor take a step, unless

First you gave a shoulder 'pon which to cry.

Then, then I should take that lonely road

Less traveled . . .

EDIT:

You promised never to leave me.

Your death leaves me all alone.

I'm on my own now, helpless.

I need support to stand, to

Walk the lonely road that

Twists and turns ahead.

You lied to me . . .

compound complex

Oubliette, EQV, and Hairtrigger:

I am speechless!

A deafening silence of the lamb ensues.

CC

The Edit

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