by Hope4Others 19 Replies latest jw friends
We all have been dependant at one time or another or someone to some extent, I'm sure this question may stimulate various different
feelings and responses to what you would personally describe as being too much. This can be in many different area's of relationships whether marriage,
family or friendship. When does dependency or leaning on someone become unhealthy?
hope4others
| Isn't co-dependency like an addiction to each other? Can't live with 'em and can't live without 'em? |
btt ......how'd I get back so far...
We probably have to define the terms. For instance, what do we really mean by "dependency"? I mean, I can depend on the mailman to bring my mail. I can depend on the cab driver to get me to my destination. I can usually depend on a good friend to be there for me when I'm in a fix. But, I'd say, anytime I come to "depend" on another person to "complete my life" or "make me happy," I'm in danger of great disappointment.
When your wife calls you 3 times a day at work, even though your only gone 7 hours, "wheres that movie I like....I heard a noise in the yard"...etc.
HOPE 4 OTHERS- Great thread by you ! I think being dependent too much on a person becomes problematic when we expect them to do things that we ourselves should be doing for ourselves. Like brushing our teeth, wiping our butt, you know- things like this. LOL! But seriously, we can tend to take for granted what someone does for us out of their kindness , if we come to always expect it , thinking it relieves us of the gesture of giving to them needing to lean on us as well for emotional comfort. It can tend to make us emotionally lazy by always expecting them to entertain us to be happy ! When, in reality , we should get happiness , not only by depending on others, but just being our authentic self !
But depending on others is good; when both partners see the need to give and receive in that dependency ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper
I guess I'm drawing a line between the simple use of the word "depend" and that of "dependency."
I think it's good that a nation might, for example, make monetary provision for a person who has legitimately fallen upon hard times. It's good to know that, should such a thing happen, there is a "safety net" he can "depend" on. BUT...when a person comes to see that safety net as a way of life--and when he sees such a provision as an "entitlement," we've entered into the area of "dependency."
And that's incredibly unhealthy.
I think like a point where you no longer function on your own....you rely heavy on others for decisions, or your just too needy.
I came across this information..but I'm not sure if I totally agree. how does a normal person so to speak all of a sudden become dependent.
I t’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
- It’s not okay to talk about problems
- Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
- Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
- Be strong, good, right, perfect
- Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
- Don’t be selfish
- Do as I say not as I do
- It’s not okay to play or be playful
- Don’t rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
when you look at these questions how many could say they have not experienced such things?
h4o
An example of what I call dependant on others,,,
this "sister" loosely everything that went on in her life she ran to the elders for advise, things that seemed just a little
common sense could have solved. Whether advise is disciplining her kid, to selling her house, to a couple of divorces, and a real problem
with masturbation. What would possess someone to go and tell all like that? That's what I call being unhealthy that
you can not make simply decisions on your own. You become dependant for advise & help to function daily.
Yet...this same person has all the answers to everyone else in the cong. and will herself counsel, and counsel and counsel even the guys...
h4o
HOPE 4 OTHERS- The lady you were describing in your last post about running to the elders- Did you know my first JW ex-wife or something who I was with 19 years ? Sounds like a carbon copy of her ! O.K. You're scaring me now ! LOL! Peace out, Mr. Flipper
