Enabling - Good or Bad

by indireneed 17 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  indireneed

  I've got a bit of a question, or maybe a poll . . .

  My wife is a JW and I am not. That pretty much sums up or life. 95% of her life is spent in loving a wrathful God named JHVH. 95% of my life is spent wishing she didn't.

  Anyway, the question is the following: I earn a very good living and thus it is not necessary that my wife work. She is not forced to earn a living and thus is not forced to meet with other worldy people. Not only that, but she will have everything she ever wants materially . . . Therefore, since her first official association with the JWs, she has become completely immersed in their life, even becoming the equal of an auxiliary pioneer before she was baptized. She plans on devoting all of her free time to this, and never, ever misses a meeting (even on very special occasions for me . . .)

  So, I have decided to let herself become completely immersed in the lifestyle. And she is able to devote all her time to this, with only a little time devoted to holding our marriage together.

  Anyway, the question is this . . . is this the right thing to do? Or should I try to find ways to restrict her activity (i.e. make her get a job, become more demanding around the house, etc.)?

  My thinking is the following: if she will ever decide to disassociate herself from the Watchtower, it will only come through a complete understanding of them. In order to leave for good, she must see the rottenness to the core. Therefore, she should completely take part in everything, and find out if it is what she wants to devote her life to.

  I believe that she will continue to immerse herself up to a point where the going gets rough. And then, maybe, she'll make a decision. Either the organization or the world. If she's completely happy with her life - so be it. We'll probably divorce and she can completely, completely immerse herself.

  But, if she is not happy, her complete immerision will only end in a complete hatred and disgust for the beasty.

  I also am going to make her understand what her commitment means. While we tend to do everthing together (besides her worship of the GB and my worship of the beast), I plan on leading my life the way I want it with regards to holidays and worldly associations. This means that I will not miss a holiday because my wife refuses to go. I will not miss having a friend or a business associate because she doesn't approve. This will bring into even starker contrast the differences between our lives . . .

  Let me know what y'all think . . .
• 

  JT

  Mistake #1

  "I also am going to make her understand"

  you see my friend one the things that happens at all those meetings is that she is being "Prepared" for the day that you show any signs of opposing her faith- the wt has ensured that the day you speak in a negative way- SHE HAS ALREADY BEEN PROGRAMMED AS TO HOW TO RESPOND AND VIEW YOU..

  She attends conventions where the highlight of the program many times are the personally interviews with jw who are standing up to "Unbelieving mates"

  she too knows that if she resist any effort on your part to discourage her:

  1. she will be considered remaining "Loyal To God"
  
  2. Resisting the efforts of the Devil himself

  3. she will be helping to fullfill bible prophecy -

  "Jesus said a man's enemies will be members of his own household"

  " I can to divide mothers fathers husbands wives kids

  4. You are persucuting her

  so i realize the catch 22 you face

  the more she attends the more indoctrinated in this mindset she becomes

  her goal is simple0 SHE IS TOLD SHE CAN WIN YOU OVER WITHOUT A WORD

  when i was an elder i used to tell sisters all the above and more--
  and why caused i believed it was the truth

  you really have some choices make:

  1. leave her and go on with your life - find a woman who you can be married to and have a life- cause all you are now are roommates with a little sex on the side- she shares none of your values and that is the problem- retirement, family gatherings , your friends etc.

  2. become a jw and become part of the org and still be unhappy due to never doing enough.

  3. If you truly Love this woman and want to help her-- YOU MUST AND I REPEAT YOU MUST AT LEAST TRY TO DO IT THE "RIGHT WAY"

  try to approach her religion from an angle where she doesn't realize that you are causing her to questionS things- WHICH can be very tricky in view of the fact that you have mentioned that she is so involved- she doesn't sound like she is being treated like a second class jw- which is how most women are treated who don't have a husband in the org- in fact they call them Single parent sisters and fatherless kids -- as if there is no man in the house buying and providing for them- so it is all about the mindset that they creat in it's members that make this org work so well

  there are a number of sites on the net that can help you get some excellent ideas in fact since this issue is so important you may want to ask her on the forum just before you speak to her about something

  being that you are not a jw there are so many things that as a nonjw you simply don't know

  welll we all know the buzz words and hot points that can trigger a jw to shut down like a bank ATM machine on the 3rd wrong try

  so please let us help you

  it may work it may not, but at least you will know that you tried t help her using the right method and techiques

  just my 2

  james
• 

  funkyderek

  if she is not happy, her complete immerision will only end in a complete hatred and disgust for the beasty.

  Maybe. A possible problem with that is that if she becomes completely immersed and isolates herself from the real world, she'll have nowhere to go if/when the going gets rough. And why would it get rough for her? She won't have any financial problems. She has a bit more freedom than most witlesses because she can let her hair down a bit with you, so she's unlikely to feel completely oppressed by the borg.

  I think the idea to show her the contrast is a good one. Christmas might be a good time. Don't buy her a present. Visit family or friends for Christmas dinner on your own. Buy a Christmas tree.

  Just some ideas. I'm no expert, but I hope that helps anyway

  --
  Those who can induce you to believe absurdities can induce you to commit attrocities - Voltaire
• 

  TheOldHippie

  You really set out to make your family life a happy one, don't you? I never saw a finer example of the "Cook book on how to ruin a marriage" than the one you are preparing.
• 

  ashitaka

  It's sad JT, but you're right.

  There are ways to win them over, but they are long and hard roads.

  ashi
• 

  ashitaka

  Old hippie, please don't make this fella feel bad. He has enough wretched people to worry about.
• 

  indireneed

  Thanks for all the advice . . . a couple points that you might like to know:

  I understand exactly what you mean as far as my position being set up by Satan. In fact, the first thing she said after she was baptized is that now would be the onslaught. She even had the audacity to mention the fact that my mother had tried to give her her favorite plant for her birthday. I know that I'm the devil here, but I have no choice. I don't mean to say that I want to try and reprogram her by 'making her understand'. I just want her to know that I will live my life the way I want and she will live her life the way she wants.

  By the way, I thought that the theme of the conventions was: "If you don't obey the organization, you'll be destroyed". They add a couple other touches, but that's what it seemed like to me. I saw this summer's convention - it was one of the things that convinced me to make a stand.

  Anyway, I've already told her what I think of the organization. I stated it firmly and gave her lots of research that I had done. It was probably the wrong thing to do, but I felt very passionately that she must know how I feel. A one-sided marriage doesn't work, and I couldn't pretend to think the JWs were right.

  Of course, none of these things worked. So now, I am trying the old 'wait and see' approach. I will give her a time to see if she chooses the organization or she chooses our marriage. I am not destroying our marriage. Should I beat her? Should I do what she says? No. I take a stand, tell her how I feel and then let her decide. I wish it didn't have to be that way.

  The Christmas idea is good, and that's what I'm doing. I'm going to show her how my life is good even though its not devoted to worshipping an organization. She told me that she feels bad because I'm going against God's will rather than because I'm leaving her. But that's not true. She feels discluded, but she can't accompany me. She goes to three meetings a week rather than be with me, so I'll go to holidays and she can choose if she wants to be with me.

  A "cook book to ruin a marriage"? Tell me what I should do . . . Divorce her now? Tell her that her religion is a hoax? Become a JW? If you are so critical of what I say, give me some ideas. I'm frickin' helpless here. I want my marriage to work, and I'll do everything in my power to make it work. Just tell me what to do.

  Thanks y'all.
• 

  Yerusalyim

  Indire,

  OH how I empathize with you. One other tact is to approach the elders about how much she is ignoring you and your headship at home. Let her know about it. This will put them all in an akward position. make them insinuate themselves as being her spiritual head even above you as here husband.

  You have one option not mentioned by the others too. Just accept that she's a dub and continue to love her and move on with life. Celebrate your holidays and birthdays, become familiar with their literature so you can use it against her (it is proper for her to prepare the holiday meals you like).

  Good luck, it's a tough row to hoe, regardless of what you decide.

  YERUSALYIM
  "Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
  [Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]
• 

  Pierced Angel

  Starting my own business, meeting interesting, energetic, ambitious businesspeople, becoming successful at my work, gaining confidence in skills other than being a witness, this is what made me start having doubts in the religion.

  So, making it easy for her to not work is not something I would recommend. Stress from a job that is just "a job" isn't the answer either. She needs POSITIVE distraction that will help her open her eyes to the negativity of her religion and so called friends. If she has a skill, talent or love of something that she could develop, you might want to encourage that somehow. Mine was writing and the thrill of being published the first time made me hungry for more of that. I had confidence for once in my life and it seemed that the friends at the hall thought I was becoming a lover of the world. Well, hell yeah!

  Good luck,
  You never know how quickly the WT glow can fade for her, so hang in there a little while longer.

  take care,

  Anne
• 

  mikepence

  If you are interested in saving this marriage, find a good family therapist or marriage counselor.

  Best of luck to you.

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