The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. So the story as I see it goes like this.
GOD: Adam and Eve, you are horrible human beings. You chose to disobey me with your free will and now I will punish you and all of your offspring. I give you IMPERFECTION and DEATH.
ADAM: Isn't there anything we can do to make up for our mistake? I mean, we were tricked by a TALKING SNAKE. How could we have seen THAT coming?
GOD: Sorry. But I still want you to go with my ORIGINAL plan of multiplying and filling the earth, but I just want you to do it with CURSED OFFSPRING instead. That'll teach you to do what I told you not to.
ADAM: Damn.
Some time passes.
GOD: Noah.
NOAH: Yeah, God?
GOD: People suck.
NOAH: Not me! I am a preacher of righteousness!
GOD: What does that even mean? Anyway, everybody else sucks.
NOAH: Well, I mean, you DID curse us. How could we NOT suck?
GOD: I'm killing EVERYBODY but you.
NOAH: Everybody? What happened to filling the earth?
GOD: Right. Okay, your family can go. Maybe if I start over with you, people will fare better than ADAM's offspring.
NOAH: Will we still be FLAWED?
GOD: Of course.
NOAH: Then what will be the difference?
GOD: Just build the boat, dammit. And pile all the animals into it. Here is a list of what animals to get.
NOAH: Where the hell am I supposed to find a PENGUIN? I don't even know what s KANGAROO is!
GOD: You're a smart kid, figure it out.
NOAH: Damn.
More time passes and people continue to suck. MOSES makes a brief appearance but nothing gets any better.
GOD: Jesus.
JESUS: Yeah, Pop?
GOD: People are still sucking. They aren't getting any better.
JESUS: Yeah. Remember that one time when we kicked them out of the GARDEN and refused to allow them to come back? You totally screwed them.
GOD: Why do people keep bringing that up? They were DISOBEDIENT!
JESUS: Yeah.
GOD: I need for you to go make it right for them.
JESUS: How do you propose I do that? Do you want me to take their sins away with my powers?
GOD: Well, sort of. I'm going to have you go down there to be brutally murdered by them.
JESUS: Wait, what?
GOD: The only way I can fix this is if I sacrifice YOU for them. That will take away their SINS.
JESUS: The ONLY way? Can't you just snap your fingers or something? Wiggle your nose?
GOD: That's not very dramatic and you know it.
JESUS: What do I have to do?
GOD: Go tell people about me and how merciful and loving I am.
JESUS: That all?
GOD: Heal a couple of people here and there to show that you mean business.
JESUS: And then what?
GOD: I'll have some people NAIL you to a TREE and then I'll bring you back to life.
JESUS: Damn.
Time goes by and Jesus returns to heaven.
JESUS: Holy CRAP that hurt. Where is the TYLENOL? Anyway, it's DONE. Are they all SINLESS now?
GOD: Well, not really.
JESUS: But I just got STAKES driven through my BODY. By the way where is BARABBAS?
GOD: I know but they're still sinning. NOW I just want them to pray to me. I'll get around to making them perfect later.
JESUS: But you could've done that without me getting speared, then, couldn't you?
GOD: Drama. People like drama. I created them so they would like it. They'll think about your sacrifice and think of ME.
JESUS: Um, about that ...
GOD: What?
JESUS: Well, apparently, the people down there now think that I am GOD. So even though I SPECIFICALLY TOLD THEM to pray to OUR FATHER, they think I am GOD.
GOD: How the hell did THIS happen?
JESUS: I am not sure. But they definitely think I am GOD. In fact your NAME isn't in their scriptures at ALL.
GOD: Jesus Christ, well did you at least give the REVELATION to JOHN?
JESUS: It doesn't make any sense. I thought it was a mistake, something from your dream diary.
GOD: But did you give it to him?
JESUS: No, but I will shortly.
GOD: Good.
JESUS: It's just that it's full of crazy scenes and stuff that don't make any sense. How are people supposed to understand all of that?
GOD: What did I tell you about drama?
