UBM: Bringing CoC Home

TheListener

I don't post as much as I used to. I certainly don't start many threads anymore.

But, I thought it would be nice to get some feedback. Both from those that know my situation well and those that don't.I am a UBM. I completed my fade 2 1/2 years ago. Wow, time flies.

The fade was very traumatic for my wife. We are still together and happy. We talk about the "friends" at the hall and she keeps me up to date with the latest gossip. We don't discuss too many religious topics but she knows I read and study quite a variety of religious material. My wife totally believes the WTS but she's not super active - I wish she didn't believe but at least she's not overly active.

I've never had any apostate material at home. I've never let her know that I've read CoC and ISoCF and GTR.

I am seriously thinking that the time may be right to buy CoC again and have it delivered to my home.

I'm of two minds on this one. First, I want to leave it around so she can snoop in it if she chooses. I want her to know that I'm still thinking and I am open to hearing all sides of an argument. But, on the other side, I don't want to destabilize the fragile peace we've developed. If she sees that I'm reading that book she may become more of a zealot and write me off entirely.

Can our marriage survive our don't ask don't tell policy? I guess so. Will it be the happy marriage I always dreamt of having? Probably not. I would venture a guess that she would give the same answers to the marriage questions.

Opinions? I know the board is hesitant to give opinions but in this case please do. hahahaha

nomoreguilt

Well, it is your home, and you are very concerned about your wife's well being.I'd say, ya, bring it home and let it sit where she might have a chance to pick it up.

I am a 4 year fader, and i have my 30 year old inactive son coming over with his new girl friend tomorrow evening. I may just leave my copy on one of my end tables. Who knows? Maybe he'll see it and maybe he himself knows about already. i don't think he's been to the meetings in a while. I have been tempted to approach him on the wts and I think that tomorrow is that time.

NMG

seeking help

well i can't be of much help. me UBM trying to fade myself. her devout like crazy.(i guess you would have to be,now that i think about it). when i try and miss a stupid meeting i get a rash of s@#t. i told her no CA htis year. she still asks if im goin. missing tonight and hopefully sunday. the level of guilt is pretty high and im not sure why that is. we have the bookstudy @ our house so thats just a matter of time. if my wife saw any "apostae" pubs, i imagine she would feel betrayed. they dont what to know.. happy with the lie, when u question its like their vindicated. i HATE religion. i really do.

LovesDubs

Yes its a balance. An egg walk. And you want your spouse to see it as you do but you dont want to drive an inextricable wedge between you either. It took a few years for me and my JW husband to come to a balance. I put my foot down about the kids going to the hall inm about 2001...stood over them in fact one time...literally....and told him I would break his arm if he tried to take them to that cult. And since then its become the pink elephant in the living room we know is there but dont discuss. He is so borderline. Only a JW of convenience or when someone he knows from the hall stops him then he turns it on like a shower head. Its maddeningly nauseating. He does the whole avoidance of holidays and birthdays with perfection and looks down upon his own kids when they play video games with any kind of violence in them but sets aside how many drunken brawls he got into until two years ago when he beat the crap out of me and was forced into sobriety or would lose his family.

We've been married 21 years now. I was a JW for the first 9 of the marriage and DAd in 97. We both decided we didnt marry each other strictly on the basis that we were both JWs or we could have grabbed anybody and married them and because we had three kids and a business and a very long investment of time together...we stuck it out. But I dont try to bring him out and he doesnt try to bring me back in...nor the kids. Its a silent understanding.

In my opinion...let sleeping dogs lie. You know well for yourself that until YOU decided in your heart of hearts to look and SEE that nobody could have convinced you and anybody that tried only drove you deeper into the hole. Let time go by. There is no race to win here, no looming demise for her if she doesnt leave the Borg. Give it the space it requires.

good to see you :)

LD

changeling

I'm confused...You're a fader AND a UBM? I did not know there was such an animal. Do you mean that you were once a baptized witness, faded, but are still married to an active witness and consider yourself a UBM?

My answer depends on your correct status.

1- If you were never baptized but just went to meetings with your wife, you've always been a UBM. In that case, showing your wife "apostate" material, whether she reads it or not, is no biggie.

2- If you were a baptized witness who faded and you show your wife "apostate" material, she may freak out. She may turn you into the elders and you may end up DF'd. Of course, if you have no loved ones other than your wife "in", and she agrees to continue a loving marriage with you anyway, that's no bigge either.

changeling :)

New light for you

I'm all for it. if you dont try something new, you'll always be where you are, which sounds like it's not all that bad, but not that great either.

I was the "good witness" wife , my husband had COC lying around... and some freak reason... still cant tell you... i read it. Now i'm out too.

Things can happen, and if she's not that strong like you say, anythings possible.

jamiebowers

Why don't you stay on middle ground and let her read Combatting Mind Control. You don't even have to broach the jw subject at first. Maybe suggest the recent news on the FLDS or that nutcase cult leader who was arrested in May for child molestation got you to thinking about cults. If she reads it or you discuss with her what you've read in it, maybe the jw subject could come up.

TheListener

Thank you everyone for your comments. Your thoughts are just like mine. They go from bring the book out in the open to let sleeping dogs lie.

I'm going to take my time making a decision. Once I bring the book out I can't undo it. So, I'll take my time and see which way the winds continue to blow.

Changeling,

I am a baptized witness who faded away.... Now I am a married man who no longer belieives, thus I consider myself a UBM (unbelieving mate). Perhaps my definition is incorrect. But, I don't think there is a qualification of never having been a witness to be a UBM. Regardless, your points are on target - damned if I do, damned if I don't.

JeffT

Favorite story: In the spring of 1988 I was reading CoC in private, and hiding the fact from my wife. I knew I was having serious doubts about what I was hearing at the hall and didn't want to go, but I thought my wife was not going because of her health. So this one Sunday morning we skip meeting, I'm sitting at the table reading the newspaper, drinking coffee and she's puttering around in the bedroom. I look up to see her coming toward me with CoC in her hand. About the time I'm thinking "Oh $%^& I'm busted!" She smiles and says "This is MY copy." She'd found mine and realized that both of us were reading it on the sly.

garybuss

"fragile peace" Isn't my definition of a happy marriage or a happy anything.

Every single marriage problem I know of is a marriage problem. Marriage problems won't respond to a religious solution. It's the same as if one spouse is a drunk. If both partners become drunks, the problem didn't go away.

I'm not gonna be a hostage. I'm not gonna be a hostage at home, I'm not gonna be a hostage at work, I'm not gonna be a hostage anywhere. If my home isn't a safe place for me to speak my mind openly and honestly, then that home's gonna be changed in fast order.

Life's too short for me to have to walk on egg shells because my partner wants to live in a fantasy world. I'm absolutely not gonna live that way.

UBM: Bringing CoC Home

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