Are You a "Right-Fighter"?
By Dr. Shawn Byler
Do you find yourself struggling to "win" arguments? Do people ask you why you always have to be right? Does conflict you engage in typically end with you having the last word, but no one feels good about the argument? Do arguments you engage in usually escalate to shouting and anger? If you have said yes to any of these questions, you are likely a right-fighter!
What is a "Right-Fighter"
A right-fighter is someone who struggles to win arguments, even if they doubt their own view. A right-fighter is someone who gets overly emotional or angry when people do not agree with them and their opinions or beliefs. A right-fighter is someone who insists on having the last word in an argument or refuses to back down no matter what.
Challenges of Being a "Right-Fighter"
1) People who are right-fighters, (or those who are driven by the need to be right), have their value or worth literally attached to the outcome of being right. On a very deep level, a right-fighter believes that if she is not agreed with then she is not valuable, lovable and/or worthy. The "right-fighter" desperately believes (unconsciously) that others must agree with her to feel ok about herself. Being a right-fighter causes you to depend upon others for your self-esteem and worth.
2) Right-Fighting is an acceptable form of violence or aggression. Because the right-fighting pattern usually ends up one sided and includes a winner and a loser, the effects are similar to those of physical abuse. Learned submission on the part of the children and often the other parent/spouse is inevitable. "Right-Fighting" is in fact a form of emotional abuse. A right-fighter parent is particularly harmful to children because the child is made to feel like the "loser" and that his or her opinions are
not valid or important. Right-fighting is a direct reflection of low self-esteem. And unfortunately the low self-esteem of one steals the development of strong self-esteem of others.
Negative Outcomes of "Right-Fighting" Women
~ Loved ones around a right-fighting women experience consistent feelings of defeat and learn to seriously doubt their capabilities, lovability and value as a human. The result is often
alienation.
~ Right-Fighting is an especially dangerous behavior for mothers. A very common outcome of right-fighting is that it tends to breed explosiveness and anger within the home environment.
~ Because the nature of a right-fighting parent is to prove his/her value and worthiness through being "right", it is at the same time stealing a strong sense of value and worthiness from the children. Any time
parents have low self-esteem, the children will too.
~ Frequently right-fighters are managers, bosses or owners of companies because they are strong and powerful (which when used well are merely 2 of the abounding excellent qualities of the right-fighter!).
Unfortunately, the right-fighting work environment creates disloyalty, frequent turnover, dishonesty, ineffectiveness, and an every man for himself attitude. (I'll save right-fighting in the workplace for another
time!)
Do Not Despair!
If you have found that you may have some qualities of a right-fighter, don't start beating yourself up, begin working on it! You are a wonderful and lovable person with far more positive qualities
than negative... this is certain! This habit does NOT have to define you. You are capable of releasing this habit at any time (please seek help if you need it, a partner in change is always a wonderful gift to yourself and your family!).
Acknowledging your habit of right-fighting and becoming aware when you are engaging in this habit is the first, most important step in leading a more successful and happy life.
Action Step
"Right-fighters": Begin to gently remind yourself of your unchanging value and worth during arguments and disagreements, whether or not you fully believe it. "Fake it till you make it"! Begin to imagine what conflict would be like if the outcome was not important. Begin to allow others to hold one opinion and you another without having ill or hurt feelings. What would life be like to be loved, cared for and respected rather than being "right"? Try validating others' opinions as equally valuable. This doesn't mean you must agree, only to say "yes" you and your view are as valuable as mine". I promise you, peace will begin to flow into your life.
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Are you a "right-fighter"? Are most JW's? Are many xjw's?
by avishai 18 Replies latest jw friends
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avishai
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Superfine Apostate
i used to be, sometimes still am. and sometimes i am really right too ;)
but there are a few things i learned: there are fights that can't be won. there are fights not worth fighting. and most importantly: discussions are not about winning or losing, but learning. -
Hope4Others
What an excellent article, I can honestly say yes i do own my own business and you do need to get along with people and yet be in control.
but over the years I most definitely have worked to be more of a soft person. I am not afraid to be wrong, I am not afraid for others to point it out. I feel
it is important in dealing with others that you are approachable, it you are upset or do not agree I do want to know about it. I'm open for discussion and if
your opinion or ideas will help or benefit our relationship I will always consider this. I aim to get along, yet I won't necessarily let someone walk all for me.
I can be tough, firm yet kind all at the same time when the need arises...other than that I hope I'm just lovable....tee hee hee. And I don't believe in faking anything
upfront and honesty is always the best policy.
h4o
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avishai
I really see black and white thinking as a psychological legacy of years of JW programing. Soooo much dogmatic stuff coming from alot of us. Mesself included
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Hope4Others
I'm more than 1/2 way thru the "Combatting Cult mind control" what an eye opener....My thoughts
are moving in overdrive....
h4o
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Mr. Majestic
avishai,
That is a very interesting article….
I have noted a few of these types dotted around the corridors of this forum. (although I would say that most of them are men, not women)
It is especially evident when some posters are trying to prove atheism. Have noted many times that when some people confess a belief or faith, they are usually subject to this kind of tactic and treatment.
Very noticeable with JW’s, although it can go unrecognised there because of the acting that is associated with the belief system. Humility is acted, but dogma and control lies underneath very often.
Very often it is driven by low self-esteem and insecurity, but I am undecided if low self-esteem is present when it comes to the quality of arrogance. It is the old debate as to weather a superiority complex is really an inverted inferiority complex……
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avishai
how do you prove atheism? It's a lack of belief. I understand that atheists can be as dogmatic as everyone else, I'll go back and look at some threads, but the ones I recall, most of the time, it's the theists accusing the atheists of this when the atheists merely do not choose to disagree.
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John Doe
Sounds like a certain forum owner I know. ;-)
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hillbilly
Do you find yourself struggling to "win" arguments? Do people ask you why you always have to be right? Does conflict you engage in typically end with you having the last word, but no one feels good about the argument? Do arguments you engage in usually escalate to shouting and anger? If you have said yes to any of these questions, you are likely a right-fighter!
You are wrong. I am right. not much of a struggle there now, is there?
Hill
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avishai
It seems to me that the phrase "i am RIGHT!!" is responsible for a huge amt. of human suffering through the ages.