mental health

martinwellborne

Sorry if i seem a bit outta sorts, but +#'* me i have had a bad time these past months. I honestly thought i was condemned to die (deep down i still think i am). I left the Borg about a year ago with my wife and family all intact (or so I thought). We have had no words with anyone at our former KH. We had 4 or 5 cards from some elders and their wives (usual apologists for the w-t 100% point of view, not an ounce of sincerity, or should that be honesty) . We did actually receive one card from a close friend of a few years ago that told us in the words of a C.O. they knew "not to let the b<+#*rs grind us down". I thought that was some admission and was for a change a breath of fresh air.

All that aside I met up with a brother that I was really close to but who had been disfellowshipped 10yrs or more ago. It was great to see and talk to him again, but I was not prepared for the range of emotions that all of this was releasing. The long and the short of it was I ended up off work for a month, suffering a severe nervous anxiety that hit from nowhere. I went back to work having been put on a betablocker by my Doc, sorry to say I did not last long back at my Job, and again was off for another month.

The anxious feelings were unbearable, but next came the sleepless nights and total exhaustion, I would have pressed a button to end it all immediately if I could have. Then came the guilt, shit, every sin I had ever committed came flashing into my mind condemning me!!! Why now? I had never worried about them before leaving the Borg. Next I started trying to be more perfect than I had ever tried to be as a witness.

I had to see a therapist next, shit. Oh boy did she get it in the neck with all my neuroses spilling over. She told me i had deconsructed my world having left the witnesses and she really felt sorry about my condition. I told her that that was not what I wanted to hear. It seems that it is impossible to explain to someone who aint been a witness how it feels to have abandoned GOD (or so i was trying to convince myself, it is a fight).

My doc next put me on anti-d pills and only now after a month of being on them have I finally felt some kind of relief from the relentless self-persecution.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh

love@ you

MW

WingCommander

Greetings!

I'm glad to see you at least posting your feelings and experience. I don't know your whole situation, but do you still believe in God/Yahweh? For me, as I still believe in Him, my anxiety etc came from the realization that everything I had known, done, experienced was all a lie. I was not mad at God or Jesus; I did not feel they betrayed me in any fashion. I think once you can get your head around the fact that PEOPLE / an Organization did this to you, and not God, then you can recover more quickly.

If however you are becoming an aitheist and don't believe in God at all anymore, than I can see how this has you in knots.

As I said, for me the stress of learning everything at once (domino effect) was very sickening - I mean that literally. I had read stuff on the internet of course, but when I watched "Witnesses of Jehovah" on Youtube and saw everything put together, and the fact that the movie was over 20 years old, I actually became physically sick. It was like getting punched hard in the upper gut. I wished so badly that my parents would have learned everything that I had learned and that they would have gotten out in time to spare me a horrible JW childhood filled with despair and loneliness. I can't say I blame them though, and my mother did apologize before she died, after finding out the "Truth" herself. :(

I hope therapy helps you. Drugs really only gloss over your symptoms and not the inner turmoil. It will get better with time.

Regards,

Wing Commander

jamiebowers

Could you check this out?

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/16/158347/1.ashx

martinwellborne

thx wing-co

Oh- yes I still know there is a god and that his name is JHVH yahweh or whatever language suits you best. I was not mad at people or God I suppose I really was mad at myself (and still am) ....."My God, why have I forsaken you". if you get the twist.

shoot, i am in a bad way

thx for your interest

MW

martinwellborne

thx jamie

read it, but a bit complicated

thx

martinwellborne

PART-2

I have at times tho-t I have left this behind but somewhere deep down inside i "know" that it is right.

i have known this knowledge for morethan 30 yrs, does it matter?

i hope someone out-here may understand what i am going thro..........

maybe they have already gone back..

oh well

Mr. Ted

Hello Martin,

Sorry to hear that you're having such distress. But it is understandable considering the rigid religious structure that we both lived in for many years. Religious fear and control can be a very powerful force in one's life. It's been my experience that time can be a healer. So hang in there.

Glad to hear that you're getting some therapy and trying out some medications. I knew lots of active witnesses who were taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications when I was a member of the organization. Examining deeply held religious beliefs that you believe with all your heart to be God's truth -- can be very disturbing. It can be hard to leave the beliefs you've come to believe implicitly.

Have you done much reading outside the society's literature? I found Ray Franz's Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian Freedom to be very eye-opening. There are other books that are also very enlightening -- and liberating.

I'm wondering what you thought of the change about the "1914 generation" that was revealed in 1995? Maybe you're too young to remember the BIG buildup to 1975 -- but I remember it quite well. Also, thanks to the folks here on this site, I've been enlightened about the WTS membership with the UN. Also I was disturbed at hearing about the Society's responsibility in covering up many child sexual abuse cases. Have you heard about these things?

Feel free to Personal Message me (if that's what it's called). You can do this I've learned by clicking on my name. I do hope you find some relief from your anxiety, Martin. Believe me it is possible. Wishing you the best,

Ted

but somewhere deep down inside i "know" that it is right

If I may ask, "what" is it that you "know" is right?

mental health

martinwellborne

WingCommander

jamiebowers

martinwellborne

martinwellborne

martinwellborne

Mr. Ted

RR

SweetSweetApostasy

MeneMene

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