More emails making the rounds.
The District Conventions are right around the corner. We all know that
85-90 percent of "all scouting" done is done here. This is a time for
some SERIOUS discretion. I don't want anyone walking around not knowing
what they are doing.
Sisters, this is what you'll be encountering:
The Watchers - The ones who sit with binoculars during the whole
convention and stare at you.
The Fronters - The ones who give you this long story about how they're a
ministerial servant, regular pioneer, etc. All the while you're staring
at a diamond stud in their ears.
The Wall-holder-uppers - Now brothers, there's nothing wrong with
standing by a wall. But if you're there when she arrives, when she goes
to the bathroom in the morning, at lunch and in the afternoon, there's a
problem.
The Annoyers - The guy who meets you on Friday and every time you pass
him in the corridor, he's calling your name and saying "HI!!"
The Player - The guy who tries to get your number Friday, and by Sunday
has tried to talk to all the girls.
The Desperate One - The one who begins with, "Can I get your number?" You
reply "No", and then he proceeds to ask for every sort of communication
to reach you (address, pager, cell, e-mail, etc.).
The Fast One - The one who meets you on Friday and by Sunday he's trying
to sit with you.
The Gamer - The one who walks by you a few times, looking for your name
on your lapel badge. Then, next time he passes by, he calls you by your
name and says "Don't I know you?"
The Shy One - The one who has his boy tell you what he wants you to know.
The Follower - The one who follows you all 3 days of the convention but
never says a word to you.
The Talker - The one who meets you at the convention then shows up at
your hall for the very next meeting.
The Liar - You find out later that he's 30 years old, has been married 7
years, divorced for 1 year, is currently engaged, and still trying to
talk to you.
The O.G. - The ones you've seen the past 10 years, standing on the walls
trying to talk to everyone.
The "I'm Too Fine, So I Know You Want Me" Ones - Ones who approach you,
but automatically think that you want them.
The Skittle - The Brother who seems to have a suit in every BRIGHT color,
with patent leather shoes and a belt to match.
First Man - The Brother who always seems to have like 4 or five other
body guards...I mean, brothers with him all the time.
The Rat Pack - The brothers that always "hang" together, goofing off and
acting a mess till they spot you coming then they go into cool mood all
of a sudden.
The Narco's - Narcoleptics I mean. The well-dressed brother who sits like
3 or four rows behind or in front of you, who removes his suit jacket
before the session starts, places it in the seat in front of him, grabs
his bible and places it on his right knee then proceeds to SLEEP through
the WHOLE session!!!
The Invisible One - The Brother you have seen for the past who knows how
many years at the convention. Well dressed, approachable, qualified,
great smile. You only see him once or twice during the whole three days
and every time you see him, it's for less than a second then he just
seems to disappear, and you don't see him again till next year when he
does the same disappearing act. You never know where or when he's going
to show up, he's just there and gone. And for some odd reason you just
know you're meant to have his last name. *sigh* maybe this year!
Chosen Ones - This brother has the same qualifications as the Invisible
Brother, and you sit like maybe a row or two from him. Just when you
think it's going to be a great 3 days seeing him, "she" walks up the
steps and sits in the seat next to him. He's taken!
And last, but not least, we have:
The Wanted Ones - These are the ones who have all the qualities you like,
are the complete opposite of the guys mentioned above, but never approach
you. The brother who always seems to be running around, suit jacket
blowing in the wind on Ministerial Servant/Attendant "missions",
"assignments" or "investigations" EVERY TIME you see him, and can only
manage to wave hello and flash a beautiful smile.
NOW THE GIRLS
WATCH OUT BROTHERS,Here's your obstacle course:
LIARS - these sisters say, "I would love to go to Bethel someday? I
could definitely see myself as a pioneer when I'm married." Meanwhile,
you can't help but to notice their tight-fitting dress with a slit
beginning at the waist as they say it.
$$$ISTERS - these sisters wear so much make-up that they cause riots with
the sales reps at Macy's. Her nails are so long that shaking her hand
would be putting Jehovah to the test. The color of their hair is
anything BUT the color of THEIR hair (grape-ity purple, lemony yellow,
and blueberry blue) IF THAT IS THEIR HAIR. And she thinks she is the
finest thing in the Coliseum. (BROTHERS, count every item of gold or
platinum jewelry she has on. That's ONE JOB PER ITEM to provide for
her.)
GIGGLERS - this group of girls chooses a particular spot at the
convention site and proceeds to laugh as though they heard the most
hilarious joke so that brothers can come over to them to find out what
they were laughing about.
"GIFTED" SISTERS - these sisters claim to have the "gift of singleness".
Meanwhile they have given their phone number, e-mail, pager#, etc., to at
least 5 brothers and they know where & when every gathering in the
tri-state area is being held. Both English AND Spanish.
FAKERS - these sisters are on a more, shall we say, PSYCHOTIC level than
the GIFTED ones. These sisters refuse to get married NOT EVER.
EEEEEVVERRR! They speak of this divinely established arrangement as
though it was a curse, and those seeking to get married will not survive
Armageddon. And the brother, WHOM SHE JUST GAVE HER NUMBER TO, must feel
the same way.
BABY'S MAMA SISTERS - instead of being straightforward about her child,
this sister will keep her child with her parents, relatives, or say it's
a sibling, until the engagement ring finally comes around.
STALKERS - these sisters/possibly worldly girls, rather than sit
attentively and take notes during the meeting, view the convention
meeting as the perfect time to pass notes about a particular brother in
the area. They use binoculars to see where his seat is and when he
leaves. Their friends are positioned in different areas of the arena,
each equipped with cell phones and 2-way pagers. And it is just
coincidence that everywhere the brother goes, THERE SHE IS. Do you
introduce yourself, or inform the attendants that you are in possible
danger?!
What you're looking for...
SHULAMITE MAIDENS - this sister is PLATINUM personified marriage
material. She is modest, takes notes during the convention meetings,
volunteers in any way that she can, keeps her association balanced, is
attractive while not being provocative, and is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of all
the sisters mentioned. She is the one that "wanted brothers" would cut
their right arm off for just to say "hi". Unfortunately, the "wanted"
brothers are just too busy to say hi.
NOW SISTERS A WORD OF ADVISE WHEN YOU SEE THE WANTED ONES
So when you sisters, AND JUST YOU SISTERS, see us taking care of the
garbage at the conventions, with an attendant badge on, trying
desperately to balance our attention between the talks and the sister
with 9 inch heels who is about to stumble down the stairs, regulating
traffic in the corridors when we would love to be taking notes, staying 3
hours after the convention has ended to clean the whole site, canvassing
the parking lot in the HOT weather to protect your cars, etc. come over
and just say "hello". Commend us for sacrificing our time so that you
could have an enjoyable and safe weekend at the District Convention.
Invite us to your local meeting.
Or ..............
Go talk to the brothers who have been leaning against the walls of the
corridors for all three days. Hey...they can't ALL be disfellowshipped!
