Should I go to the elders about the affair?

by weeone 53 Replies latest jw experiences

  • weeone
    weeone

    Hi all. I am a sister that kind of "fell away" from the organization. I felt that I wasn't accepted by my brothers and sisters (long, long story). Whatever I did I wasn't "perfect" enough. So, I though enough is enough, I have to do what makes me happy so I just stopped going to meetings. I say 'hi' to an odd brother or sister now and then but I don't go to meetings nor do I desire to. I am not an apostate but I just don't feel religious. In a way, I felt kind of pressured to get baptized.

    Anyway, it has been about two years since I have been to a meeting. I used to go to the Rockland Congregation in Campbell River, B.C. Canada. The last time I went I was sat with the brother I was having an affair with. No one knew not even his wife who was sitting on the other side of him. I had met this old friend of mine named [M] who was disfellowshipped at the time. I consoled him while he vented about his situation about the truth and the brothers. He began to show an interest in me, His wife [T], picked up on the interest because she became quite hostile towards me-[M] told me she called me "Skank". I wasn't interested in him because he was a married brother and I really wasn't attracted to him at all. We went away together and he got me really drunk and he started to touch me and we ended up having sex.

    He wasn't that great in bed but that is beside the point -we were having an affair! It became exciting, finding places to have sex, at the beach, the lake and in his bed he shared with [T]. She didn't know about it but I think she sensed something was going on seeing as [M] and I were sharing the basement suite together. They were on the outs anyway, he asked her for a divorce, they had separated. But then, the brothers got to thinking that he should be reinstated all the while not knowing what was going on. He would attend the meetings faithfully with his wife then he came back home and had sex with me. Talk about sinning everyday then repent on Sunday! Even though he had a bad attitude towards the truth, he wanted to get reinstated so he could talk with his friends again and have some say in the way his son was being raised. I guess he didn't think he could properly parent his child in the ways of the truth if he wasn't reinstated. So, he decided to throw me out (literally!-he physically assaulted me and the police were called) because it was getting too close for comfort, the brothers were on to him and so was his wife.

    So my question is should the elders find out about the affair seeing as he was disfellowshipped at the time? I found out he was reinstated recently but if the brothers knew do you think he would have been? If there are any elders out there give me your advice. Would they just view our affair as something he did while he was disfellowshipped so it doesn't really matter? I think that everyone knows about us because when I go to town and run into a witness now they give me dirty looks and don't want to talk to me.

    I haven't been told by anyone that I have been disfellowshipped but I am sure they are aware of the affair somehow. I personally don't care if they do disfellowship me as I said before at the beginning of this chat that I am not religious and I don't care to go to meetings so If no one wants to speak with me that is fine. I have a new somewhat normal everyday life outside of the Christian congregation. Should I go to the elders about this information? Please feel free to give your opinion/advice to this matter. Thank you

  • hillbilly
    hillbilly

    Paragraphs are nice.

    Welcome ... but dont be suprised if you catch a little flak about the sexual nature of your first post. We talk about sex often here...but most people wait a post or two before they 'bare all'

    Hill

  • undercover
    undercover

    Without reading your entire post (cause my eyes started to blur and the words all ran together...)

    ...the answer to your question in heading: Never go to the elders about anything. You'll get more advice on that as the the thread progresses.

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    You don't know whether he told the elders about his affair. It is something they want to know.
    They don't consider "sin" (as defined by them) to be okay while you are DF'ed. They want to
    know everything you did while you were DF'ed so they can make you bow to them even more to
    get reinstated. If he didn't come clean, he could easily get DF'ed again for his affair.

    As for you, they would love for you to come to them. They would want to DF you if you were involved
    in something and didn't confess back then, but might not if you completely obey WTS now.
    I doubt you want them prying into your life just to DF you. It ain't worth the bother just to get him
    into hot water again, nor is it worth the bother to clear up a matter for yourself.

    If you are done with them, be done with them. If you really need to have closure, you could write a
    brief "I am no longer a JW" disassociation letter, but I would say to just leave well enough alone and
    leave them alone.

    If you really wanted to get back at him (I don't recommend this, but I mention it) tell his wife if she is
    still his wife. Even doing that will open a can of worms. Perhaps you can tell her as an anonymous
    caller, but tell her something only someone who slept with him would know. (He always...., has a mole
    on his...) Personally, I would say, HAVE A GREAT LIFE AND WALK AWAY.

  • Quirky1
    Quirky1

    ...the answer to your question in heading: Never go to the elders about anything. You'll get more advice on that as the the thread progresses.

    Ditto

  • QuestioningEverything
    QuestioningEverything

    I wouldn't tell the elders anything. You don't want to be disfellowshipped. But truthfully, it sounds to me like you' are considering going to them out of spite.

  • Bumble Bee
    Bumble Bee
    Personally, I would say, HAVE A GREAT LIFE AND WALK AWAY.

    Good advice.

    One question - WHY would you want to go to the elders about the affair? I think you need to examine the motive behind the question before a real answer could be given.

    BB

  • Solace1998
    Solace1998

    regardless of how you feel about the organization --

    you did something "wrong" by those standards -- and those are the standards you agreed to when you entered no? It would be easy to say, well thats hypocritical then -- but in a more loving perspective -- you would lose all of the brothers and sisters you may be fond of -- then again, you said you arent getting attention from them anyway, so maybe you dont care...

    if you dont care about the people you may leave behind -- i say, face the music and disassociate yourself. Send them a letter, and give them no reason why. It isnt there business if you dont want it to be.

  • New light for you
    New light for you

    It seems like you still believe it's the "Truth". you need to start reading up and getting that straigheted out. Once you know what is the truth, you wont worry about anything elders think or say. Why let them mess with your life. Move on, dont worry and dont have guilt when you realize they AREN"T a religion, they DONT have the truth, and they're a MINDCONTROLLING CULT.

    Then you can stop playing into what they want.

    Welcome. Read around our board and go on a learning journey...

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    I'd leave it all alone. It's his life and his consequences.

    I'm more worried about you. Your constant reference to the 'truth' and the 'brothers' and 'sisters', even though few have been truthful or brotherly/sisterly, tells me you haven't ever really processed the Witness experience. I'd take some time to regoup and figure out what really matters to you.

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