Just found this ... maybe it will help...
For those of us that have, like me, ever used a Haynes Workshop Manual, here is what the instructions really mean:
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good
pliers to dig
out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are
throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now
cannot
be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to
botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny,
ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you
pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw
at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst
muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's
going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs
removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once
that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start
to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable
drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you
want to do!
