Saw my dad last night...

tall penguin

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my mother (still a jw). She told me that one of my fave elders, who was disfellowshipped a few months before I disassociated three years ago, just got reinstated. Now, to know my mother is to know that she doesn't give you information unless she has an underlying motive. So, I got off the phone feeling pretty upset, realizing that she told me this because she's hoping that that will be me one day, "returning to the flock".

Fast forward to last night. I went out with my Dad (also still a jw, but who knows if he even believes it at this point). I gathered courage all evening to broach the subject with him. Finally I told him what my mother had said about this elder getting reinstated.

"Does Mom think I'm going back one day?" I ask.

"I don't know," he says.

"Come on Dad, be honest. You live with this woman. Does she think I'm going back?"

"Yes, she does." Dad says.

At this point, I start to get emotional. A mix of tears and rage. "After all this time, she just doesn't get it, does she?"

"No, she doesn't."

Now I'm full-blown crying. "I just wish one day she could see me as the adult I've become. Dad, I've always felt that your love was unconditional, that it didn't have strings attached. I wish I could say the same for Mom's love."

"Your mother loves you. But you know how she can be." Sure, I know how she can be alright. She can be a f*%ked up lunatic!

Dad continues, "You're an adult. You can make your own choices in life. No one can judge you for that."

I said, "But they do judge me and you know it. But it's Mom's judgments that cut the deepest. I just wish she could reach a point where she could stop having an agenda for her children and just see us for the amazing people we are."

Dad doesn't say anything after this. He's a man of few words and his words had officially run out. I sit quietly sobbing.

This is the greatest disappointment in my life, to have a mother that doesn't understand that the whole point of her being a mother was to give me the tools and the wings to live my own life. As far as I'm concerned, she's failed in the role of mother.

tall penguin

TinyDancer124

My own mother (also still a JW) called me stupid recently. She later apologized, but I feel like such a disappointment to her. I feel your pain. {{{HUGS}}}

Hope4Others

She probably just can't let go.....some mothers have a hard time with their

kids becoming independent of them, out on their own, making their one choices.

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

((((((hugs))))))

h40

mrsjones5

This is the greatest disappointment in my life, to have a mother that doesn't understand that the whole point of her being a mother was to give me the tools and the wings to live my own life. As far as I'm concerned, she's failed in the role of mother.

I wish I had something witty to say to make you feel better. My parents are the same way, Dad is a man of few words while Mom tends to run amok running her mouth and wondering why her children don't call or visit often. I've grown to realize that mothers fail, like my mother has, and the only thing I can do is be a better mother to my kids. I hope that I am. And I know that you strive to be a better person too.

Josie

Quandry

This is the greatest disappointment in my life, to have a mother that doesn't understand that the whole point of her being a mother was to give me the tools and the wings to live my own life. As far as I'm concerned, she's failed in the role of mother.
Being a mother, and a former rabid JW mother, I can see your mom's point. She DOES LOVE YOU and cannot imagine living in a paradise earth without you-she wants to protect you-she wants the best for you-and you know that equals going back to the KHall.

Try to see things from her perspective. I know it's hard, but she is not being a bad mother. I was her until three years ago. Please know that she is desperate for you to live and the only way she knows how is by being a JW. She probably feels that she is a bad mother because you left. She feels "love never fails" so she must keep trying.

You are in a hard situation.....I feel for you. Just let mom know that you love her. You can't force her to see things your way...if you try...she only goes into defensive mode....fearing for your future....

Glad you can still talk to dad.

LovesDubs

This religions destroys lives, families, souls. God is NOT with this religion. My mother in law raised her 5 kids hauling them to meetings until their teens. Two of them became three of them became JWs and she continued in the organization until 1999 praying PRAYING that her own children who didnt become JWs would DIE before Armageddon came so she would see them in the ressurection!! I was ....stunned by that.

Then in 1999 she had done enough research to realize it was all bogus and she disassociated herself trying valiantly to convince her JW kids that they were being mislead but the damage had been done already. Now she was trying to get them OUT with the same motherly love and conviction she had had trying to get them IN. It was a no win situation for her. She tried going back to the Borg in 02 thinking it would be worth it to have her children back but her love of Christ would not let her stay in what she knew was a cult and so she again DAd in 05. Her JW children now shun her and she has no access at all to 5 of her grandchildren and her marriage to her 2nd husband a JW elder...is constantly on the rocks and she is miserable. There is no winning any more.

Please believe that your mother loves you. She is up against the wall and stuck between what she believes in and her own daughter, a painful destructive place to be. Until she sees the reality herself, that is where she will be.

We do what we know, and when we know better we do better. Like Myah Angeloo (sp) says.

hugs, LD

tall penguin

"Try to see things from her perspective. I know it's hard, but she is not being a bad mother. I was her until three years ago. Please know that she is desperate for you to live and the only way she knows how is by being a JW. She probably feels that she is a bad mother because you left. She feels "love never fails" so she must keep trying."

I do see things from her perspective. I understand her warped sense of love. My statement though about her failing as a mother still stands. In the ultimate sense, a mother, a parent, is one who can let go of their own agenda for their child and just accept them for who they are. Doesn't mean I love her any less, just means I can see the situation for what it is. I can still see her value as a human being even though the mother role doesn't suit her.

I'm reading a great book by David Richo entitled "How To Be An Adult In Relationships". There's this passage where he's discussing the acceptance that a parent should have for their child and it sums up where I'm at:

"Parents can accept us only after they succeed in dismantling their original representation of us in favor of the person we are turning out to be. This means not being disappointed with us for breaking a bargain we never made."

I never made the bargain to become a JW. I was 5 when my mother converted in. It was her choice. Now that I've broken the bargain, she cannot fully accept me. That is her failure as a parent. It is what it is.

tall penguin

tall penguin

"Then in 1999 she had done enough research to realize it was all bogus and she disassociated herself trying valiantly to convince her JW kids that they were being mislead but the damage had been done already. Now she was trying to get them OUT with the same motherly love and conviction she had had trying to get them IN. "

See, I don't really see this as love. I see it all as control and guilt/fear-motivated. At the end of the day, I love my mother whether she's a jw or not. I'm not trying to get her out. I respect that it's her path in life and that she must live with the consequences of her choices, as we all do. I do not presume to force my worldview on her or anyone else thinking that my way is somehow better. I think that's what love really is, to accept and respect regardless of whether you agree or not.

tall penguin

Bumble Bee

((((((TP))))))

Dealing with our parents can sometimes be a hard road to travel. Recently my mother was upset over something she perceived the wrong way, she didn't have any of the facts before she flew off the handle and got nasty. One of the things she said is that I hate her because of "the truth". That is soooo far from the truth it's not even funny. I had no words, still don't, to respond to her, and it's been over a month.

I know you know this, but the best thing you can do is continue living your life and being happy and proud of who you are.

BB

ex-nj-jw

I couldn't move on and be happy with myself until I admitted to myself that I didn't have to prove anything to my mother. Once I got that throught my head my life has become significantly better.

Don't try to prove yourself to anyone who can't accept you for who you are. Don't waste your time and energy trying to prove anything to her, take it from me it's a lost cause.

nj

Saw my dad last night...

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