by nomoreguilt 28 Replies latest jw friends
K. mathews, Da Cheech, Aude.......Level and cooler heads need to prevail here, I agree. Aude, you are correct in your estimation and I appreciate your perspective in as much as you were on the recieving end yourslelf. Time will tell with out my interferance.............for now...........which may not be for LONG.....................
Tact........
NMG
nomoreguilt
I have 2 sons, and I want a relationship with BOTH of them , but I can't ALLOW the older one to do this to his brother.
dawg..... Your words are EXACTLY how I feel. I feel that it is incumbent upon ME to have the older son face up to the reallity of being a REAL brother and not just a cult controlled person
Aude said what I felt. I have been through this with my two oldest daughters. My oldest refuses to talk to her younger sister. It is not even about the JWS. It is some
supposed wrong that my younger daughter did more than 15 years ago!!!! I have tried to reconcile them. I have tried to talk to my oldest many times. I found out that it
just made things worse and strained our relationship. My son, before he died, shunned his sisters (3). He shunned us. I wrote him letters about our not leaving Jehovah, just the org, but I got no reply. I just realized that they were adults and it was their life to lead. When they leave your home and go out on their own life, you have no more responsibility to raise them or discipline them. They have to live their own life. All you can do is love them both and pray for them (if you believe). Encourage them. Speak to them about your belief (if the opportunity arises) but do not preach. There is nothing that can turn off a relationship more than that.
I pray that it will work out for you and your boys. Just be their father, not a spiritual policeman.
Love and hugs,
Velta
Choosing life.......Yes, they only have ONE brother. I used to use this withthem when they were small, the bickering, and they eventually came around and ENJOYED their relationship. Now though, the older one is using CULT talk, the younger one is DRAWING AWAY from them. This is what REALLY bothers me. He is so drawn in these days to the org and I didn't think that he'd be able to say that. But, then again, he did have some cruel words for me when I was df'd and wanted to see my grandson........quote" Dad, there has to be punishment". Sad too.
NMG
I wrote this...
"doesn't mean that the method has to be harsh, it can be simply telling someone how you feel, that you feel an action is wrong".
And this...
"even though you can't control the actions of your grown sons, you have an obligation to tell them how you feel, to tell them the truth. you can be nice about it but you must speak".
And yet some of you still don't get it that I'm saying to use tact... that I understand that you can't control the lives of others.. You act as if I'm telling you HOW to confront your families... I'm clearly not, and anyone that can read can see that...
It's really simple what I'm saying... you have to say something, how you chose to do it is your business, but something must be said to change the behavior.. if not then the behavior will NOT change. What is the incentive for a change in behavior if you're accepting the behavior in the first place?
In this case, there's no need to jump down anyones throat, there's many ways to get a point across... but for those of you that say nothing, that's unacceptable, it really is. You are allowing those that follow you to suffer under the yoke of fools, and all you have to do is speak words? m People have died defending what's right and you won't speak?
Challenging says I have an "agenda" and she's right... its to stand up for what I know is right in hopes that minds my be persuaded to leave this awful cult; its to try and use my mind to get as many in my family to leave on their own accord because the facts have persuaded them! Are all of you on this site not desiring that same thing? And if you're not then why aren't you?
And to achieve this goal, you have to eventually speak your true thoughts... how else is it going to happen if we don't say something? And to think, I fight this same argument every week... I can't for the life of me understand this?
NMG,
One thing I never enforced, even as a witness, was shunning my son who was dfd as a teenager. He was the oldest and his siblings saw my reaction to his situation. As teenagers, they never shunned him either. Now, as adults, they choose to be witnesses. They choose to not be close to him now, but neither strictly shun him. We have had them together at BBQ's.
One thing I have come to accept though, is that they each have their own decisions to make in life and I can't force everyone to get along. I have and still do let them know that I think shunning is totally wrong. They do lead very different lives and that is their choice. I see good in all of them and always will. I am their mother.
Your son may have treated you wrongly when you were dfd, and that is sad. He may have been following his mother's lead or been afraid of losing his friends, who knows? Taking a stand against shunning may help him see another side, but your sons may still choose to lead very different lives.
Grown children not getting along does not only happen to witnesses. I have sisters who basically shun each other and neither is religious in any way. What I learned from watching my parents is not to let any child force you to take sides. Let them work out their own differences, but love them all.
cl
That is what I like and ENJOY about our little community here at JWD, we as a collective unit can air OUR thoughts and from them all can benefit. In so many threads we see varying opinions and varying degrees of tolerance for right or wrong.
EVERYBODY that has contributed to my posting has been greatly appreciated. That's what I like here. We all know that individually we may not have the accurate perspective on something, but together we GIVE an overall outlook that can be disected and used to whatever advantage we may NEED. For this I thank you.
NMG
Hi NMG - Sorry about your situation. It's a tough one, and only you know the exact circumstances and feelings of your sons. I remember you said that your oldest son is strongly influenced by his wife's family.
I have a somewhat similar situation with my daughter.
Bonnie
I see Dawg's point. If we don't stand up for what is right, the jws in our lives will never understand just how wrong shunning is. IMHO, taking the apologetic route with your jw son may get him to thinking. If you say something like, "Son, I know I raised you to think shunning was a good thing, but with age and experience, I have realized it is very wrong. I'm sorry that I did that to you. But now that you're a grown man, I hope you will consider thinking for yourself. What good will it to to shun your brother? Do you really believe it is the Christian thing to do?"
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Thank you Flipper...Sorry I haven't been back here sooner. I'll try to give you a call later this PM. Things will be looking up son though. My younger son called me yesterday and wants to get together for gold and some dinner this saturday with my wife and his girl friend. More opportunities are presenting themselves here. I hope to leave him enough time to get the feed back that I am sure will be forthcoming from his mother.
NMG
