I would like to know your opinion.

by Anti-Christ 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  Anti-Christ

  I would like some advice. Some of you know that me and Mrs Anti just had our first child (girl). Okay here is the problem. I did not think I would have to deal with the in-laws right away about the education of our little girl. I believe that we would have to deal with this later when she will be old enough to understand certain things, I guess I was wrong. This past weekend we had a family BBQ and everything was going okay until it was time for the prayer. It was time to feed the baby but she was distracted by all the commotion outside so we went indoors to feed her. Mother in-law was asking how long before we were ready for the prayer, I said I did not know and they should start with out us. She said well it's important to us that you be there, I said what ever you want if you want to wait go a head cause I don't know how long it will take. They decided to start with out us. When we were ready to go outside and eat well I see my mother in-law crying and talking to my brother in-law. She is already an emotional wreck, she is married to a verbally abusive alcoholic sexist racist pig of a husband who is also a JW ( not my wife's father, he died when she was 9). Later on in the evening she make a comment about how we are not doing enough for the baby, there are more important things then a good education and being loving parents (we all know what that means).

  Well here is my question, I did not want to have the "talk" with them about how we are going to raise our little girl right now, I wanted to wait for the best time but now it seems that no mater what we are going to do we are going to break my mother in-law's hart. So should I just forget about it and ignore them when they imply that we should raised our child in the Watchtower corp. or should I tell them strait up that there is no chance in hell for that to ever happen so don't keep your hopes up. I would like your input.
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  jwfacts

  I would recommend that you tell your MIL ASAP that there will be absolutely no Watchtower related discussion in front of the grandchild. It is better to start now, so that it is out of the way before your child is older and more aware of what is happening. In time the grandparents become more used to it and the tension lessens. If she worries the child will die at Armageddon ask, "what sort of God murders innocent children"? If she is worried about what if Armageddon comes when the grandchild has grown, ask does Jehovah draw sheep-like ones to him, despite their upbringing. My mother was over today with my wife and 6 month old boy, whilst i was at work. I think it is important that there is such contact, but it made me worried about what sort of indoctrination she was trying to inflict on him.
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  Mary

  She is already an emotional wreck, she is married to a verbally abusive alcoholic sexist racist pig of a husband who is also a JW ( not my wife's father, he died when she was 9).

  Yes, but those are just minor imperfections. The real test of his character is: does he get 10 hours of Field Service in every month?

  Later on in the evening she make a comment about how we are not doing enough for the baby, there are more important things then a good education and being loving parents (we all know what that means).

  So what does she suggest? That your daughter grow up completely dependent on a man who could be a verbally abusive alocholic sexist racist pig? "Education" is only threatening to those who want control over another's life.

  Well here is my question, I did not want to have the "talk" with them about how we are going to raise our little girl right now, I wanted to wait for the best time but now it seems that no mater what we are going to do we are going to break my mother in-law's heart. So should I just forget about it and ignore them when they imply that we should raised our child in the Watchtower corp. or should I tell them strait up that there is no chance in hell for that to ever happen so don't keep your hopes up. I would like your input.

  I don't know alot about your situation. Are you DF'd? Faded? Just Inactive? I will assume it's been a while since you've been to the meetings. My own thought is that you don't really owe them any explanation as to how you're going to raise your child. If your mother in law continues to inquire as to "when are you coming back to Jehovah", you could either say "we're not" or "I really don't wish to discuss it" or something like that. If your father in law brings up the subject, I'd tell him to take a look in the mirror first and worry about saving his own soul before he starts butting into your business. Guy sounds like a total loser.

  My good friend Delilah finally told her mother that she would never go back to the KH and to quit bugging her about it. She's a grown married woman with 3 children and does not need her mother's permission on how to live her life. Her mother was pissed off but has backed off bugging her. There's never an easy solution to this kind of stuff.......
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  Anti-Christ

  Jwfacts, that's good advice. I did think of the "what kind of god kills babies" line, it's a good one.

  Mary, lol. I have not gone to a meeting in 5+ years, I have long hair and tattoos so I thought it was clear to my friends and family that it was over the JW stuff, I guess not.

  My own thought is that you don't really owe them any explanation as to how you're going to raise your child. If your mother in law continues to inquire as to "when are you coming back to Jehovah", you could either say "we're not" or "I really don't wish to discuss it" or something like that. If your father in law brings up the subject, I'd tell him to take a look in the mirror first and worry about saving his own soul before he starts butting into your business. Guy sounds like a total loser.

  You are right I don't owe them anything but I would like for my mother in-law to see her granddaughter grow up, I don't want her husband to be around my little girl to much for obvious reasons, he is over 80 years old and has a lot of health problem so I don't think he will be around for very long. I guess I must accept the fact that if I want to be myself I am going to piss off a lot of people I know .
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  Calico Ethel

  Anti -

  I feel for you and your wife having to go through this. It is difficult and I am kind of going through something similar with my mom.

  It's difficult to know what to say, you don't want to hurt their feelings because you love them and still want to see them, but at the same time, you want to be able to tell them how you feel without it causing a split between you. Definately you should keep your daughter away from the father-in-law, because you don't want her to be around someone who is abusive in any way.

  When you do talk to your MIL just explain to her that you still want her to be a part of your daughters life, but that the WTS doesn't play a part in it all. She has to realize that you don't have any plans to go back into that?!? I think sometimes they have blinders on. I could probably pierce every part of my body and tattoo the rest and dress goth, but my mom would still have "hope" that I'll return to the "truth".

  How do you respond to that?
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  rebel8

  For now maybe it would work to say the rearing of your child is something you and your wife have decided to keep as a private matter and will not be discussing it with her.
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  jamiebowers

  ...I don't owe them anything but I would like for my mother in-law to see her granddaughter grow up

  I think you answered your own question. You don't owe them anything, especially explanations. A few direct orders, especially coming from your wife to her mother, would be beneficial. How about something like, "Our daughter will never be indoctrinated in Watchtower teachings by you or anyone else." Just as those of us who are shunned have a choice to return to the cult in order to have contact with our jw families,jws have the option to maintain relationships with grandchildren if they can learn to keep their irrational opinions and fears to themselves. If your m-i-l still has trouble controlling herself after a few well placed directives, a stock answer to her could be, "Don't make ME shun YOU!"
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  Anti-Christ

  Calico,

  MIL just explain to her that you still want her to be a part of your daughters life, but that the WTS doesn't play a part in it all.

  I like that, it's simple and clear.

  rebel8,

  For now maybe it would work to say the rearing of your child is something you and your wife have decided to keep as a private matter and will not be discussing it with her.

  Also simple and straight to the point, I remember her telling us to mind our own business when we talked to her about how verbally abusive her husband his towards her, I think I could say that the same applies to her.

  I think you answered your own question. You don't owe them anything, especially explanations. A few direct orders, especially coming from your wife to her mother, would be beneficial. How about something like, "Our daughter will never be indoctrinated in Watchtower teachings by you or anyone else." Just as those of us who are shunned have a choice to return to the cult in order to have contact with our jw families,jws have the option to maintain relationships with grandchildren if they can learn to keep their irrational opinions and fears to themselves. If your m-i-l still has trouble controlling herself after a few well placed directives, a stock answer to her could be, "Don't make ME shun YOU !"

  Good point. It,s funny how they all expect you to respect their beliefs but when it comes to ours it like we don't have any rights, we are in the wrong path so we MUST change and follow their path, I am not the one telling them they should leave the WT, I'm just asking for them to accept that we are not going back. It's like Calico said it's like if they have blinders, her belief system is making her unhappy and depressed, not to mention that 90% of the rest of the family are on antidepressant and have big problems in their couples and we are doing great, better then we have ever been but that's not good enough. Thanks for the input, it gives me more to think about.
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  funkyderek

  Anti-Christ:

  there are more important things then a good education and being loving parents

  None that I can think of. Your mother-in-law needs to understand that to you, the needs of your child come before her wishes. Keep reminding her until she gets it.
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  rebel8

  I'm glad to finally meet the real Anti-Christ. I've been told for years it was me. ;)
  
  I'm not a parent, but I guess I am thinking why would it be anyone's business to tell you how to rear your child, no matter what the topic? I'm an aunt and whenever the kidlets ask questions about major issues I say we should check with their parents to find out the answer. Then when their parents come back, I remind them to ask the question. I figure it's not my place to tell them what values to have or what to believe.
  
  Of course you will need to bring up the religion thing specifically because it's such a big issue, but since jws often have poor boundaries about almost everything else, setting a boundary of "mind your business" now might help set the tone for all of it.